


The Pathfinder's Logs

by miic_fire



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Diary/Journal, Drama & Romance, Multi, Polyamory, Polyandry, Stream of Consciousness, lol James Joyce lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-17 11:24:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 54,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13075869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miic_fire/pseuds/miic_fire
Summary: Sara's story in her own words ...





	1. Hyperion, Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> I did something like this with my Shepard in the ME trilogy way back when. Back then, the novelty of crafting my own character in the protagonist was new to me (as was writing fanfic). Now, I've been there and done that a few times. Still, I thought it would be interesting to do this again (old times' sake and all that jazz), maybe even fun!!

 

>  “… We made it.” 

  
Those were my first words in Andromeda.

Gosh, in retrospect, that feels so wide-eyed. I may have been naive about this whole thing from the get-go. I knew there would be challenges, but I thought it would be like my work back home — exploring new worlds, studying ancient alien artifacts — only, on a grander scale.

Well, I got a pretty humbling reality-check within hours of waking. We touched down on Habitat 7; it’s not habitable. We met our new neighbors; it went badly. I almost got killed after Dad and I interfaced with alien technology; he gave his life to save mine and (as if all that weren’t enough) named me the new human Pathfinder as he did.

We then got to the Nexus only to find that the situation there is seriously precarious: resources getting depleted fast, the other arks all missing … but all the stuff after waking up is sort of a blur in my head right now. I don’t know how much of my current mental state is the recovery and health-related, or grief, or stress.

But one thought has been clear and persistent in my head: **Dammit, Dad! What were you thinking?**

I know I probably could not have asked him to leave me to die so he’d live (although that would have been best for the Initiative) but naming me Pathfinder on top of it? I never asked for this.

It’s strange, Dad having been the absentee father that he was. In that mission on Habitat 7, I got to really see him in his element. Watching him work firsthand, I was in awe. He commended me for scouting out the planet while we were separated, and together we shared in a small victory as the planet’s atmospheric-processor came online and cleared the storm. It was the camaraderie of fellow explorers that brought us closer together than our father-daughter relationship ever did. For the first time I can remember, Dad did not feel like a stranger to me.

And now he’s gone.

I never thought I’d feel so… “naked,” without him, but that probably has more to do with the responsibility he saddled on me at the last moment than our familial relationship that never was.

But all this other stuff? Leading missions, rallying troops, tactics, all that … those were all Scott’s things. I’m a _scientist_ , into nerdy things like tech and archaeology. I can fight, sure — my biotics work just as well here as they did in the Milky Way, my tech attacks are still fire (figuratively … and literally), and I was always a pretty good shot. So I can handle myself, but so what? That doesn’t make me qualified to replace an goddamn N7.

I guess it was always a possibility that this would happen. I probably was not too far down whatever succession-line existed, anyway, but jumping the line thanks to a family member? ‘Not a good look. Addison said as much, too, in no uncertain terms.

*Sigh*

… What’s done is done now, and while I can only sit here and guess Dad’s reasons (SAM is not privy to anything Dad was thinking, either), a lot of lives depend on me proving that it was the right decision. It would help to convince myself, first, but our colonists don’t have the luxury of waiting for me to figure that out.

Another thing that really concerns me is the kett. I was hoping first-contact would have gone more smoothly. I tried not to get involved, fired warning-shots when they got aggressive with Fisher, but Liam intervened ahead of me. It all went south. There was probably nothing we could have done. Besides, they already encountered Milky Way species, and the Nexus fared no better than we did.

Still, no one seems to know what their motives are. I’m worried we’re headed into a war with the locals here over a misunderstanding, just like humanity did with the turians only decades ago. It’s a shame that, for all our enlightenment and understanding as a species, we may be repeating history all over again. “The more things change, the more they stay the same” -? I suppose it’s possible that this is a hostile race with no chance for peace. In a sick way, I almost hope so to prove we were not too incompetent to handle first-contact correctly, but that’s silly — peace is always the ideal.

I also had to apologize to Fisher for hesitating when we first encountered those kett, but almost wish I hadn’t. I may have come across as weak and indecisive for doing so. If we do ever manage peaceful relations with their species, though, then maybe I get the last laugh after all!

I took a scan of one of their foot-soldiers. Their DNA readings are all over the map. I went back and took another look at our findings a little while ago and tried to hypothesize on the nature of this species. Using our own species as measuring-sticks, asari reproduction — taking the genetics of their partner and selecting traits — comes to mind. Could they be this galaxy’s asari, without the peaceful tendencies?

Habitat 7 will not be home to humanity anytime soon, and the mission was nothing short of a nightmare, but it’s still incredible to reflect on the fact that we explored a new world in a new galaxy and that some of us lived to tell.

The planet had remnants of old, alien architecture. By the scans, they look like they were erected sometime _after_ our scans 600 years ago from the Milky Way. In many ways, these ruins reminded me of the Prothean relics I used to study back home. The kett also seem to find it interesting (all evidence points away from them being the creators). Another extinct species? Or maybe an existing one that the kett are trying to eradicate? I don’t know. There are so many questions. There was also some sort of an abyss that had machine noises coming from the bottom, and a path to travel across with the help of our jump-jets. I wonder if it was a quarry.

But, most interesting of all, we caught a glimpse of what this “golden world” may have looked like. A microclimate inside a cave, safe from the hostile environment, showed us what kind of ecosystem this galaxy is capable of supporting. What went wrong, and how we can undo the damage, are the questions of the hour. But that finding, along with what our team was able to accomplish with the atmospheric-processor, means that there’s still hope for the Initiative to find our home in Andromeda. It’s hope and small-victories like that which help keep us moving through the adversity we face.

Perhaps that had something to do with Dad’s decision? When he praised my work at scouting out the planet back there, he said that it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture when we’re out there in the field. I’ll admit to being something of a romantic — the hopeless kind — and that what drew me into this whole thing was the adventure and exploration.

The role of Pathfinder was supposed to be Cora’s in the event that something happened to Dad. He trained her for the role, too. She is a qualified combat leader, no doubt. While I don’t know her that well, she strikes me as a very different personality than I. ‘Safe to say, I think, that Cora would probably lead this mission in a pretty different direction. She hasn’t really talked about being skipped over for the role, but I still ought to see where she’s at with it. It’s not an enviable task, mind you, but that doesn’t mean she’s okay with yielding it to me without any say in the matter.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent — take a step back from all the craziness and take an inventory. Maybe I’m also trying to leave behind a record in case this whole thing goes south, and the next generation of Milky Way explorers or alien archaeologists unearth records of a then-failed Initiative, mine hopefully helping cast me in a more positive and sympathetic light and avoid generations of Andromeda schoolkids being taught about the epic failure of Sara Ryder (kidding!! … kinda). But I think I’ll keep this journal going as I continue trying to find us a home in Andromeda.

One thing’s for sure: it’s going to be a wild ride.


	2. MSS Tempest, Day 2.

The team is slated to travel to Eos shortly via our new ship, the Tempest, a frigate engineered by great minds back in the Milky Way. She’s quick, quiet, and her specs are top-of-the-line. I’ve acquainted myself with the crew and now am making a quick entry from my cabin (the view!!).

Eos was the location of two failed Initiative outposts by the Nexus. Now I’m tasked with finishing what they started, or at least improving the site’s viability for an outpost. I wasn’t given any tips on how to actually make that happen, just: ‘Well, you’re the Pathfinder — do your job!!’

There have been reports of kett activity, but I’m not worried about our ability to handle them in a fight. Taming the atmosphere (radioactivity warnings) will be the real challenge. I’ve been reading Nexus reports of the previous failed attempts, trying to anticipate what problems we might face and how to fix them.

I’ve consulted some of my notes from past Alliance work for anything useful. We sometimes ventured into harsh environments to study Prothean relics, and had to set up camp in such places for days. Colony development was not my field, but our work occasionally went hand-in-hand with the Alliance task groups that handled it.

I just hope we can bring back some good news for a change. It’s only Day 2 here and it feels like we’ve been getting it piled on us, but the Nexus has had it worse for longer.

Speaking of crazy shit, SAM is a part of me now, in a bigger way than the job-description for Pathfinder would have led me to believe. While trying to resuscitate me, my implant messed things up and the med-team had to connect me into SAM node to stabilize things. It’s not really clear to me or them what the issue was and how SAM solved it, other than that SAM’s connection to me is ingrained even more deeply than the implant, and even that’s an oversimplified explanation.

So we discussed it privately in SAM node. Apparently, Dad’s connection with SAM went deeper than the implant, and with the role of Pathfinder passed onto me now, I’ve inherited that connection too (I’m guessing that’s what messed up the transfer). SAM says that with this more extensive control of my physiology, that he can enhance my combat capabilities and augment different skills with what Dad called “Profiles.” I remember him utilizing those Profiles in combat on Habitat 7 and Cora asking him about it. All he said was, “A little help from SAM.” Now it makes sense.

SAM’s design is unique — he’s sentient, but with our connection, he experiences the world through my organic senses. What’s more, SAM showed me one of Dad’s memories from his time on the Citadel. Dad put some blocks on SAM’s memory-array, which are somehow unlocked as I progress on the mission as Pathfinder. It’s weird, but it works; I saw one of them. In that memory, Dad was pitching his plan for using AI technology advancing humanity forward, and being denied. Mom’s terminal cancer was advancing at the time as well, but Dad was determined to halt it.

Dad never told us much about his AI research. I was always curious, but AI tech was outlawed practically everywhere in the Milky Way, so it did not seem like a good idea to ask him about it. What I’ve learned from SAM is really eye-opening.

I always understood the concerns with AI technology — super-intelligent computers are dangerous, look what happened on Rannoch, the Citadel, yadda yadda yadda. I always got that, but by making it illegal, all you do is ensure you never learn from past experiences. Sometimes, failures are the greatest learning lessons. It’s a good argument for being careful with AI, but not for being fearful of it. I’ll just never be a fan of that kind of a closed-minded, neo-Luddite attitude. I’ve never liked or agreed with the AI laws back in our Milky Way.

On that note, I know a lot of people would feel uncomfortable or distrustful of having SAM in their head to the extent that I do now. I might even encounter other people that will approach me that way if/when they find out about our link. I see their point, I really do, but Dad was right: AI have so much to offer humanity if we can just tap their potential. I see the benefits of this union, and am happy to give myself to what should hopefully be a productive learning experience. Shoot, I’m actually kind of excited for it!

And then Dad brought up something I never even considered. If you’re worried about the AI turning on you, then make it so that it can’t do so without turning on itself. I’m not sure it’s as foolproof a solution as Dad (might have) thought, but it’s a pretty compelling point.

It’s times like these when I wish I could have had more time with him. I always kind of figured that I took more after Mom and Scott was more like Dad, but maybe he had more in common with me than I realized. Maybe that’s why he gave me the role of Pathfinder? There’s a thought … but even that explanation doesn’t quite feel right.

I had a chance to meet with the main Nexus leaders individually after arriving on the station. They’re a fun bunch…

Director Tann’s situation is oddly similar to my own, what with being unexpectedly thrust into a key leadership position from more of a niche role. He was basically an accountant before moving up the succession-line. I can relate to his struggle, but I’m not a fan of his approach. He seems to assert his authority in pretty heavy-handed ways, whether it’s him being manipulative or in how he responds to dissenting voices, as though doing so will make people take him seriously. I hear there was a big uprising on the station, and a big part of why it ended the way it did was because of Tann cracking down on them with the krogan, and then similarly spurning the krogan to drive _them_ off the station. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions when I still haven’t heard all sides of the story, but judging by the way he treats his own colleagues? I feel pretty inclined to believe that account.

History be my witness: that will NOT be me. As Pathfinder, I will earn people’s trust by proving myself, doing what’s right rather than what’s easy. And through it all, I’m always going to stay true to myself.

Addison oversees colonial affairs. She quite obviously is frustrated at the Initiative’s failure to set up any sort of an outpost for the colonists, and facing a scarcity of resources on a daily basis must be trying. I empathize with her predicament, but that does not make her any less unpleasant to deal with. Is being a hardass a job-requirement for some career fields? I suppose our colonists need someone to advocate for them, and as the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I’m not sure I have any oil to give, however, so I’m just going to avoid spinning said wheel as much as I can.

Nakmor Kesh is superintendent, handling engineering and all sorts of other related activities. Tiran Kandros heads the militia. The two of them are easily the more understanding ones, maybe because they lead close to their charges, whereas Tann is kind of in a bubble, and Addison is said to lean more on her assistants.

I set a course for Eos after meeting with our pilot, Kallo Jath, and getting oriented with the bridge controls. Cora asked if I had one for the logs before taking off, prompting my first impromptu speech as Pathfinder. In the moment, I almost froze up, but then I remembered what I wrote here yesterday. I told my team to hold fast to their dreams of a better life in our new galaxy, because that dream will see us through. I doubt it’s one for the history books, but I’m pretty happy with it. And I guess it’s good thing I started keeping this journal!!

Well, that’s it for me now; we’re bound for Eos.


	3. Eos, Day 3

We did it.

No, really. We did it!!

An outpost. It’s just a foothold at the moment, but it’s a start. No, more than that, it’s _hope_. Hope for our future here in Andromeda.

A part of me almost wants to quit now while I’m still ahead! Obviously, that isn’t an option. It’s just that this is a really precarious situation at the moment, and being aware of that, I feel almost paranoid about anything that might go wrong and ruin everything. But, maybe that’s the point.

The key to our success was that same ancient, alien technology we found on Habitat 7 and now again on Eos. We're calling it “Remnant tech.” SAM allows me to interface with it safely, unlike what happened with Dad on Habitat 7, and with SAM’s help, we uncovered a massive underground vault that helped re-activate atmospheric controls on the colony. And we are only beginning to piece together what this tech can do. All these vaults form some kind of network across Heleus, and some early hypotheses suggest that these artifacts possess the ability to terraform entire worlds across the cluster.

When you put it that way, it almost sounds too easy or convenient, but there is nothing easy about braving the deep dark where killer robots lie in wait against intruders (as I’m sure my squad would attest). Oh, and lest I forget, the vaults feature some kind of system-reset that scrubs it clean of anything foreign (like our team).

Phew! … ‘nothing like outrunning death.

Technically, I’ve died once already. I have no intention to do that again (not before my body expires naturally, that is). That said, though we all knew that colonizing a new galaxy would be hazardous, you never truly appreciate the risk until you stare down your own mortality in the face. Our team definitely had a few moments like that today, not just in the vault, but seeing the ghost-town of a colony that the previous two outpost failures left behind. It’s sobering to realize that our new world is going to be built on the backs of many brave souls that made the ultimate sacrifice.

For the rest of us, I guess it’s a reminder that we should take in as much of this amazing journey as we can while we know we will still be around here. It truly has been amazing already: we’ve explored two different planets in this new galaxy, and dived head-first into ancient alien relics that rival any work I did with the Alliance on Protheans. But there is still so much out there, and I don’t want to miss out on any of it!

Once we found an ideal spot for the next outpost, a big decision fell on me. I had to decide what direction this new settlement would move in: one of a science- or a military-focus. While my preference between the two straight-up is pretty obvious, it was not an easy call: the kett are one of the biggest threats we face in our new home. That made me think a little, and the gravity of this decision weighed on me.

Ultimately, I think the key to our survival is not being tough, but being _smart_. Human resources are key to military power, and with the number of colonists we brought over, we will not field a formidable army or navy anytime soon. We need to focus on making a home in the face of these challenges of a new galaxy, doing more with less, and finding inventive ways to combat our enemies than just rely on conventional warfare in the meantime. Human history is a litany of bloodshed at the hands of imperialistic, conquering forces. Clichéd as it sounds to say, it’s true: we came here to make history, not repeat it.

No doubt some would have preferred the comforting sense of safety that an (over)abundance of weapons provides them against those scary space-boogeyman, but I firmly believe that in the long-run, we will be better for having a science focus.

That's just it: the more I think back on it, the more I feel like it was the right decision. Time will tell if it really was, but my reasons for doing what I did were sound, and I think that’s all anyone can ask for.

* * *

We found some help along the way on this mission. My squad and I encountered an asari scientist, Peebee, who has also been studying the Remnant. She was mostly there for her own reasons, but was a big help at times nonetheless. We also met a krogan, Nakmor Drack, who was out there hunting down kett. We teamed up with him in the middle of a shootout against kett forces; it was a hell of a fight.

Drack agreed to join us with the promise of more good fights like that. Peebee, the asari scientist I mentioned, signed onto our mission too — in the interest of further Remnant study.

Between the two of them, Vetra, Liam and Cora, I am really excited for the squad and crew we’re putting together! We’ve got some really impressive people on this team, and together, I believe we can accomplish really great things for the Initiative.

I also have concerns, though. Our squad feels a bit disjointed at the moment, what with everyone having their own priorities. I guess that is to be expected this early in the game and with new recruits, and I have no problem with that _per se_ ; this journey means different things to different people. I just would like this team to feel a bit more cohesive than it does right now, but it falls on me to get that out of them. Some overarching, unifying theme they can all get behind, maybe? I did kind of allude to one already: hopes and dreams for a better life in this galaxy. If that even works anymore. Peebee does not seem to care too much about all that, and this is pretty much Drack’s retirement life. I guess I’ll just have to see what works and run with it.

It’s weird. At times, I can sense their doubts about me in my role, but at other times, they can be amazingly, genuinely supportive.

Focus on the positive, Sara. We got the Remnant monoliths to work and brought the vault back online, including some quick-thinking on my part that saved us from getting disintegrated. We now have a colony to our name thanks to this team’s efforts. I have also had some combat moments that were uncharacteristically badass for me. Those kett have not learned that jumping out of a dropship clustered together makes them a perfect Singularity target. Twice we encountered reinforcements that we wiped out in about 5 seconds thanks to my crowd-control biotics. I even impressed the krogan! ‘Not bad for a gal who just rolled out of “bed” two days ago.

So yeah, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but overall, the mission was a success under my lead. It still feels scary and uncomfortable to have the responsibility of being Pathfinder, but I’m in high spirits right now and hope to “ride the wave” while momentum is on our side.

* * *

Before landing on Eos, something really strange happened. I was taking in the view from the bridge. Sun was shining right into my eyes; I put a hand up to shield the glare. At that very moment, I felt something come over me, like “Deja Vu” but not from some anything I’d seen previously. The only thing familiar about it was some vague feeling of Dad’s presence, impossible though I know it is, like he was right there next to me. There was a ringing in my ear where I could have almost sworn I heard his voice faintly.

Liam had said something to me at that moment, but I didn’t hear him. He then seemed to notice that my mind was elsewhere and asked how I was holding up. I should have thought better of this, but I tried to explain what I had just felt. Sheesh, the way it came out, Liam probably went and told everyone that the Pathfinder is losing her marbles. I do have a shrink aboard the ship in Dr. Lexi and also kind of want to talk about it, but, it's probably best that I keep this to myself for now.

Our efforts on Eos have bought time for the Initiative, but we need major breakthroughs to ever make Heleus our home. It may be the Prothean researcher in me talking, but it seems to me that unlocking the secrets of Remnant tech is the most sensible way forward. Again, we have already seen extraordinary benefits from its use, and we are just scratching the surface of what it’s capable of. We have a lead from the vault, a location lying beyond any region we have surveyed. Chasing that lead is our next step; Remnant research and exploration in general will continue to be a high priority of our mission for the foreseeable future.

But first, the Nexus — we need to discuss our findings with the Initiative leadership. Also, I have some business there.


	4. Nexus, Day 4

So I met with Tann, and we discussed my successful mission on Eos. Tann congratulated me, publicly and privately. Pathfinder Hall is now open on the Nexus and he has adorned it with our team’s accomplishment on Eos. Gods, he lays it on so thick. At least I was able to tell him to fix his attitude towards Kesh and Kandros and urge him to work cooperatively with them (subtly, of course).

I was a bit worried that the leadership would object to me venturing out into uncharted space to pursue the lead we found on Eos, but it went over without objection. I guess desperate times call for desperate actions. That exaggerates the circumstances a little, but the situation is far from stable, and it’s hard to argue with the results we got out of activating the vault. That being said, there is a palpable sense of optimism on the Nexus with the successful establishment of a new outpost on Eos. It’s so reinvigorating!

There were a few other interesting developments on the Nexus -- most notably: SAM was able to let me communicate with Scott through his coma. SAM made contact with him through their implant, and we spoke to each other through him. It was pretty frickin cool, but only temporary. I told him where he was, and it was understandably confusing for him to take in, but I guess he understood.

Then he asked about Dad, and I lied. I told him he’s out there, looking for a home for us. I felt bad about it, but the mind-body connection can be a powerful thing, and it didn’t seem like a good idea to make him work through grief on top of everything else his body is trying to recover from. I was honest with him about the golden world failures, but he seemed to take that in stride. He was actually pretty antsy about being sidelined while we are out there trying to make Heleus liveable, and said he should be out there helping us, but I told him I knew he would be back on his feet in no time. And that’s about when the conversation ended.

Scott and I are two very different people, but I would have liked to have him at my side back on Eos. He’s a really talented soldier, and I’m sure he would have had a lot of input on strategy for fighting kett, remnant, and tactical shit like that that I can’t really be bothered with. Then again, I feel like I kinda have that covered already with Cora.

I also met an asari reporter, Kerri T’Vesa, who was interested in finding out my take for a documentary she was doing. What impressed me with her was that she was upfront about what she wanted: the truth, not some pretty picture Tann would like us to paint. I think it’s very admirable of her, and I’ve agreed to help. Her first question for me was about the Initiative’s initial lack of progress. While I feel the slip-ups are pretty understandable, I thought I’d take the opportunity to call on everyone (Nexus leadership especially, … lookin’ at you, Tann) to do a better job. She really seemed to appreciate my sincerity, and encouraged me to keep in contact with her.

Oh yeah, Cyberterrorists attacked SAM. They gave Dr. Aridana a file and tricked her into having me plug it into SAM node. It was a Trojan horse. He was able to scrub it, because his programming has advanced past his original iteration, but it was a close call. *sigh* I knew it. Three days in and I’m already getting shit for the AI … >.> ! Interestingly enough, one of the attackers contacted me through an Avina. I thought they’d be hostile towards me, but they thought I was a victim that they were helping. The point of the virus was to sever my SAM connection. SAM advised I play along to get closer to them, which was smart. I thanked them, and asked to meet their leader face-to-face. They said they’ll think about it. We’ll see if that goes anywhere. I have a gut feeling they will; fanatics crave official support.

I’ve also taken it upon myself to look into the first murder into Andromeda. Nilken Rensus(sp?) was found guilty of murdering his superior officer, on Eos if I recall, during a kett attack. He’s facing exile, which -- for all intents and purposes -- is a death sentence. He says he’s innocent. I played the tape, and it doesn’t sound good, but it’s not conclusive either. I have a gut feeling the guy isn’t guilty, though. I’ll keep investigating when I can.   
  


* * *

  
Back on the Tempest, I made the rounds. We run a tight ship, so it’s a bit of a “skeleton” crew,

**Liam** kept his word on telling me about himself over a beer. We mostly talked about our past and why we came to Andromeda. I told him I’m here for the adventure and exploration. Sure, there were practical reasons. With Dad’s AI research, the Ryders had no future in the Milky Way. I was happy with my career as well, but what I enjoyed about being a Prothean researcher drew me into Andromeda as well -- a chance to go where none of my colleagues, or even my idols, have gone before!

It just hit me, while writing that, that all of us have made an incredible achievement of human history by arriving in Andromeda. This honestly may be one of the greatest feats Milky Way life has ever made. Nobody in Milky Way hearing about it puts a little bit of a damper on that, but not really. Even if they don’t remember us, we’ll always remember them and where we came from. Besides, civilization here and civilization there might be reunited someday. We kind of need to build civilization here first, though.

… But oh, right. Liam. Liam was the clichéd disgruntled cop that left the force to do some good, and found his calling with “Hustle” (an acronym for a crisis-response team, the real name of which escapes me now). He was actually pretty happy with his life back at home; he just heard my Dad’s vision for Andromeda and believed in it. My Dad could inspire, I’ll give him that. He was a leader of men like that. Liam’s a nice guy, and seems to share my idealism. I look forward to working with him.

**Peebee** did not divulge much about herself with me. She knew I was there to ask her. She says she doesn’t care about that stuff, only about the future. The Milky Way was “so been-there, done-that,” she says. She’s here to see a new world, not unlike myself. Interesting, but I want to know more, and I told her as much. She said she’d tell me more if I got her more “Rem-tech” as she calls it.

I guess if there’s one important thing to know about her, it’s that uncovering the mysteries of the Remnant is the main attraction for her. Truth told, I’m not sure how long she plans to stick around. ‘Sounds like she might go her own way if her work leads her out the door. We’ll see. I can at least relate and on some level appreciate her fascination with Remnant. It takes me back to the good ole days back home, and pretty much offers the thing that I signed-on for in the first place.

**Vetra** thought she owed me an explanation for volunteering herself. I could kind of see how we could use her when we’d first met: she’s resourceful, and said that she can handle a gun (I notice she packs a Cyclone machine-gun in her armory locker -- pretty hardcore). But more than that, she said that she was here to help get results for our team. She was on the Nexus during the uprising, so I can appreciate the urgency she must feel. I like her, from what I’ve seen. ‘Not that I’ve seen much, mind you, but she strikes me as a really authentic person. In my experience, turians are generally straightforward people. It’s funny, but as outsiders to this galaxy, I’m not sure if I can truly consider any of the other Milky Way races “alien” anymore.

**Lexi** has taken Harry’s place. She’s nervous about being responsible for the Pathfinder’s well-being, and I can’t blame her, what with the trouble I expect to get myself into. She has quite the medical background, as well, including extensive research and study in alien physiology. She has some published works to show for it, too.

I got… a little too excited over that, trying to see if she would discuss her thesis with me by basically asking her out. She shot that one down -- can’t get too close to her patients, she said. Ah, geez -- ‘real smooth, Sara.

What can I say? Lexi started talking science with me, and I nerdgasm’d. I also just kind of noticed how attractive she is in the middle of that conversation. I remember her from when I awoke back on the Hyperion, but there was a lot going on back then. All asari are supposed to be pretty, but she might be one of the most beautiful ones I’ve ever seen. Add in that voice, and her brains, and I was bound to crush on her.

Typical me: doing or saying without completely thinking, first. I get a feeling, and follow my intuition. I’ve always been that way. It’s true of me out in the field as well as in romance. I pretty much fall in love at the drop of a hat, and can be quite the shameless flirt without really even trying. I get the need to maintain professional relationships, especially where subordinates are involved. Old habits die hard, though.

That brings me to **Gil** Brodie. Gil was impressed that I appreciate the value of engineering aboard the ship. I’m not a “gearhead” in the truest sense, but I know a thing or two about gadgetry. Speaking of which, I’ve almost rebuilt my trusty combat-turret! We were allowed very few personal possessions into Andromeda; I got around counting it against my quota by taking it apart, stuffing it into different parts of the hardware in my armorsuit. But back to Gil, he came here on a bit of a whim. He’s a guy who gets a gut feeling, and then follows through with it -- kinda like this gal. He’s happy to be off the Nexus, though, and hopes to find his calling here on the Tempest.

**Suvi** might be my long lost twin-sister (triplet-sister?). She’s a scientist, and a theist. You do not find many of those in our field, but I am another one of the rare exceptions. She believes in a creator god. I’ve always been weird about it, though. I believe there’s something out there, greater than all of us. I have no concrete belief in the nature of It (if you will), or even that we were created by It. Hell, I don’t necessarily even believe in an afterlife (as always: pun intended). My belief is … there are questions that science will possibly never be able to determine: where do black-holes lead, what is our consciousness made of, etc. What I believe in, what I “worship” is … that which holds the answers to the unanswerable, somewhere in the fabric of our universe.

We also talked a bit about the Scourge, and she remarked about its beauty. I actually feel the same. Hell, I have to remind myself not to get too close when I see it planetside like we did on Eos. I just hope we can find some way to neutralize its damaging effects. Remnant tech is a decent starting-point, but it might not be enough.

**Kallo** was part of the team that originally built the Tempest as a test-pilot. He has vivid memories of that time, and joined because he could not just watch as it was sent off to Andromeda to realize its full potential. He has experience navigating the Scourge as well, which will be a valuable asset in our journey, no doubt. He also was happy that I stopped by to check-in with him. That’s one part of this job I won’t find difficult; I am quite the extravert.

**Drack** is Kesh’s grandfather. Like every krogan not-named-Kesh, he left the Nexus after they helped put down the uprising and Tann broke his promise to them. Drack puts his people first and I cannot fault him for it. They were given a raw deal back home and still bear the scars of it. They are here hoping for a new start and better future, and I hope they get it, too.

I’ll only say this about the genophage: I’ve always detested it from a moral standpoint, but I’ve never had a better answer. I would not have had the stomach to make that call, but I won’t pretend that I would have preferred living under a krogan empire, either. In truth, that’s one of the scariest things about being Pathfinder. Those are the sorts of decisions I don’t think I’m cut out to make.

Ugh.  _ Dammit, Dad! What were you thinking?? _

That’s not just my thought anymore. **Cora** thought the same thing out-loud (minus the Dad part xD ) when I touched base with her. It wasn’t a heated exchange between the two of us or anything like that. But what I said in one of my previous entries about getting passed over for Pathfinder without any say? Yeah, she’s not okay with that, even if she does not necessarily want the title. It won’t be a problem, she says. We have bigger things to worry about than what Dad was thinking when he chose me. She was actually somewhat close to him, ‘trained under him for a few years. She’s mourning him even more than I am.

It’s not just **Dad** , though. She has to be feeling stressed and anxious about Scott; I know they were also close.

This reminds me, a few of Dad’s private logs were recently decrypted. He left them behind for me, but their access is tied to my progression as Pathfinder. He said some things there that surprised me. He realized that he was a pretty crappy father all these years and was hoping to make that up to us in our new life in Andromeda. He also was worried about Scott’s condition as we were getting ready to land on Habitat 7. Finally, on a more ominous note, he said that we were going to learn a lot of things he had been keeping from us and that he hoped we’d understand. I’m not sure if I even want to know, but when the logs have been decrypted, I will look at them. I feel a certain responsibility to do so. The old man gave his life for me, after all.

Oh, and SAM! Yes, AI are people in my book, and SAM may be my most valuable teammate. We have a close, interconnected relationship, but I still see us as two separate beings. SAM maintains his connection to our ship and with me through QEC, and said that he feels he has “grown” from our adventure on Eos. I told him that I am a bit of a goofball that likes to joke around, and that it will be wise of him to sharpen his sense of humor. It’s … a work in progress.

Heh. ‘Lot of rambling by me for an unexciting day (relatively speaking) of Nexus and Tempest business. I expect it to get a lot more interesting though after we’re back from the next vault.

Off we go … 


	5. Aya, Day 4

Alright, so this is going to be a short one, but the news is big: we just had another first-contact incident. The situation is very delicate at the moment, but still, a relative success. _**Fingers crossed**_ that this is the start of a friendly relationship between us and one of the species native to Heleus.

We made contact on Aya, but before we got there, the kett intercepted us. They almost disabled our systems and took us captive, but SAM worked his magic and plotted an escape route … through the Scourge. It worked, and we lost kett ships to that monster, but it also damaged us a bit en route our original destination. That’s when we were contacted by the angara.

Our translators figured out their language. I was surprised that happened so quickly, but have since learned that this is technically not _first_ contact between the Milky Way species and theirs (Kadara). Aya, however, has never been visited by an outsider, and is pretty much the heart of their civilization right now (as I understand).

The angara are in a state of perpetual war with the kett. They initially accepted the kett into their society, only for the kett to become tyrannical and subjugate their people. While this still does not tell us everything, it suggests that the kett really are just a hostile race.

The leader of the anagaran Resistance against the kett, Efvra, confirmed that the vault we are looking for is on Aya but inoperable without their Moshaie (sp??). It was also seemed to go without saying that they are not about to open up said vault to a visitor just like that, either.

One of the Resistance soldiers, Jaal, offered to help me. He said I could earn Efvra’s trust — and, by extension, access into the vault — by making diplomatic efforts to aid the angaran people. He offered two ways that I could do this: assist the science team on Havarl, or aid Resistance forces on Voeld.

But my debrief with the team back on the ship was a mess. My colleagues expressed doubts with my approach, and honestly, I was not ready for it. I didn’t respond to their concerns very well. Hell, I probably came across as borderline clueless, even weak.

There are some big personalities aboard this ship, and it hasn’t gotten any easier to command their respect. Worse yet, Cora, the rightful successor of my title, seems to have a much stronger presence in the meeting room than I do. That sure doesn't help.

I almost want to ask her how it’s done, but then I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to admit how overwhelmed I’m feeling to one of my subordinates. Asking myself what Dad would do isn’t much help, either. We’re just not the same person. He was an aloof leader, and a bit of a hardass. I’m the opposite: personable, value all opinions (I hadn’t even considered what a jarring change that is for Cora and Liam, going from Dad to me).

But I can’t let that take away from the progress we did make here. It remains to be seen if the angara will be allies long-term, but this was a huge step in the right direction. I’ll take my victories where I can and, as I said last time, ride the wave while we’ve got momentum.

Besides, our next mission looks to be right up my alley; I opted to go and make contact with the angaran scientists (shocker). Said scientists are investigating Remnant, to boot. I’m in my element in science-y settings, and have been really getting the hang of interfacing with Remnant.

So I’ve set a course for Havarl. Jaal warns me that there will be a lot of hostile wildlife and some anti-alien angaran fanatics in our path. I have my biotics, sidearms, combat-turret and defense-drone all ready to go. They were usually all I needed against raiders and aggressive fauna around the Milky Way. I also plan to bring Vetra and her machine-gun along with me this time around.

* * *

I made sure to touch base with Jaal one-on-one, just to make sure he’s settling in okay on a ship full of aliens. It’s obviously a lot to take in, but he seems open to trusting us at least for now.

I also checked-in with Dr. Lexi privately. Initially I wanted to get her read on the crew. While I was at it, I told her about SAM and the memory we uncovered. She offered some input to help make sense of what Dad’s intentions were with showing me that specific memory and how it relates back to all this. Her insight was surprisingly helpful. I might have to go back and do this with her whenever the next memory in SAM’s array unlocks.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’d take any opportunity to get myself in front of Lexi! <3

'Right, then. Havarl, here we come!


	6. Havarl, Day 5

Success! We made contact with the angaran science team. They were investigating one of the Remnant monoliths before finding themselves trapped in a stasis field. Interacting with the home console did the trick.

Those scientists also said that they spotted “gray, spiky aliens” along their way and said they looked like one of my companions (Vetra). We investigated, and sure enough, we found Ark Natanus colonists that survived emergency ejection. They were under attack by Roekarr (the anti-alien angaran fanatics I mentioned in my last entry) but held their own. It’s a good thing they brought their toughness over to Andromeda with them; we’ll need that. In any case, their discovery is great news for the Nexus and for the Initiative in general.

The turian Pathfinder, Macen Barro, was not among the group we encountered. Instead, we were met by Barro’s 2IC, Avitus Rix. Avitus is an ex-Spectre and was a protege of Saren Arterius. The Initiative was his retirement plan. In talking with him more, I also got the sense that he and Macen are an item.

Havarl is beautiful, lush with vibrant flora and lively fauna. That said, it’s a little *too* lush. The planet is overgrown and out-of-control. Those angaran scientists were tasked with trying to find ways to tame the wildernesses. We have a few more leads on Havarl that could be of help to the angara, but I have put them on hold for the time being.

Back on the ship, I contacted Efvra, and he informed me of a mission that the Resistance is planning to rescue their *Moshae (I spelled it wrong last time, but our translators aren’t quite sure how to define the word) on Voeld. That’s where we’re headed next. As I’ve been saying in my previous entries: ride the wave. We have momentum going and I look to capitalize on it.

* * *

I made the rounds again. Jaal tells me I did good, earning Efvra’s trust, even if Efvra still might seem a bit icy to me. He warned me about the Roekaar, however, and said that he knows their leader. He told me that, sooner or later, I will likely have to confront him. I also took some time to better acquaint myself with the rest of the team. I’ve always been a bit of a social-butterfly, but I’m also thinking about my role as their leader. Dad had a more aloof style to his leadership; that's not me. I have to be myself and make the role of Pathfinder my own.

It's a work in progress.

* * *

 

“Skutt” seems to be the angaran equivalent of “fuck.” Honestly, hearing them say it just makes me giggle (I wonder how goofy our profanities sound to them) -! xD


	7. Voeld/Aya, Day 7

Back from a thrilling couple days!! There’s a lot to go over…

Our team scored a major victory alongside the Resistance in rescuing the Moshae. The kett roughed her up bad, but she was in high spirits following our rescue. Her strength is incredible, offering to keep our team shielded while we were in a shootout with the kett (there was even a fiend in the mix)!

I’d convinced Efrva that my AI could help the angara crack the kett facility barrier, and it worked. What we found inside, however, was nightmarish. Untold hundreds of angara were in lifepods. We saw rooms that suggested that the victims live in dorms for a time and take classes that indoctrinate them to exalt kett civilization and prepare them for citizenship among their people.

And then, the final insult: they turn the angara into kett through a process called “exaltation.”

We saw the body of a disrobed angara morph and mutate into a kett “Chosen” in front of our eyes. The poor victim must have been thoroughly brainwashed: he willingly accepted his fate.

This just about dispels any doubt that we had simply misunderstood the kett, as I was worried might have been the case. There really is no ambiguity to this: what the kett do is evil, heinous. They can accurately be classified as a hostile race, and they have to be stopped.

Shit, referring to them as a race or species at all might be giving them too much credibility. They are a perversion of life. A mutation, and not the helpful kind. Macroparasites at best.

This kind of blanket hatred of an entire race almost never stands the test of time. There is a small part of me, somewhere deep within my subconscious, that feels wrong for giving into hatred towards them. Yet my rational mind has defeated every argument — _ethos, logos, pathos_ — in the kett’s defense. Tribalism is a destructive force, but if a large group of sapient beings are committed to destroying you and everything you hold dear, how else can you respond but by banding your own tribe together against them?

That actually makes me hate them more. Cooperative relations bring out the best of my species (all Milky Way species, really). Tribalism, on the other hand, brings out some of the worst of us, even in a case like this where it may be justified. I can already envision ethically-dubious strategies that our leaders might try to employ in the name of fighting them. I can appreciate how it may serve some survival purposes, but it’s of minimal benefit. I guess it was too much to hope for that we would get along better with Andromeda races than we did with each other in the Milky Way (in retrospect, issues and all, I guess we got along okay with each other). Thanks to the kett and continued conflict with them, though, our species’ tribal instincts will remain intact, despite years of progress in our own galaxy towards extinguishing it.

I still wonder what their origins are, but also how it became ingrained into their minds that what they are doing is acceptable. The kett “elite” that we encountered insisted that exaltation is a gift and that it was once unclean like we are. Well, my angaran counterparts who have not been brainwashed were revulsed at the idea of becoming kett, so I doubt this indicates any broad cultural differences between Heleus life and us newcomers. There is an indoctrination component that goes into becoming and even being kett; even this kett leader we spoke to sounded deranged.

Imagine if things were different, though: we came to this galaxy and found that the intelligent resident aliens freely gave themselves to their mutant overlords and saw no problem with this, that we are the weird ones for rejecting the natural order of things and our ethics made no sense to them. What if we travel further into intergalactic space and find species that do not object to this sort of thing? Information suggests kett are not native to this system. We only have our own ethics to go by. I’m not sure we can always reliably ask other alien life to play by our rules, but the least they can do is respect them. The kett do not. I see no ethical dilemma in killing them.

And I said as much to the kett leader we encountered, in response to how supposedly wonderful exaltation is. “You don’t get to decide what’s great,” or something close to that.

I was also faced with a decision: blow up the kett facility, or leave it intact in exchange for the captive angara. Honestly, my first inclination was to get them out of there. However, Moshae Sfeja told us the place had to be destroyed. Jaal continued to insist on saving the others, but I realized she was right. The angara do not have the means to return and destroy the facility later. It’s just not gonna happen. The kett were just going to refill the facility again, and again, and again. It truly was now-or-never.

And who knows if those angara could have even been reintegrated into society again? Our angaran counterparts ran into some prisoners that refused to get themselves to safety. It’s unclear if they are brainwashed before or after they are sent into the lifepod, but what we saw suggests before. The released angara might have just wanted to go back. Worse, they may have tried to fight the resistance, maybe even Sabotage it from the inside (shit, this brings up an issue I never considered: angaran double-agents).

Also, part of me did not want to give that kett leader any satisfaction of her shitty horror-factory surviving to produce more kett. Heh, its reaction when I decided to blow up the place was pretty satisfying (it tried to backhand me, Jaal blew its head off) -!

Another thought-experiment: would I have a problem with anyone voluntarily becoming kett? Well, yes, because all kett are (presumably) assisting their cause of “exalting” other species, but if hypothetically one could freely become kett and be a neutral party? I would find their choice batshit insane, but would not have a personal problem with it as such. Still, reality is a long way away from providing any acceptable scenario for any kind of exaltation, much less a shot at peaceful coexistence with them.

And that does not even take into account how  _ ugly _ the kett are. I know, I know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. After all, some may consider some of the Milky Way species ugly. Not all batarians are rotten; not all asari are good. Still, there is something to be said about it. Kett appear to have some sort of hard exterior, like an exoskeleton. Its utility for soldiers is clear, and while it does their aesthetic no favors, even that can be useful from a psychological-warfare standpoint. In the end, what does beauty matter to a species that wants to intimidate and utterly dominate you?

To be sure, not all villains are ugly. Shoot, the ones that are attractive and do their damage within legal boundaries are arguably even worse.

All kett we have encountered are all military. It’s tempting to assume that this is indicative of kett culture more broadly, but I guess we will never know for sure until we find their homeworld (or whatever their home is). Their military objective seems centered around exalting angara, and soon possibly us.

Reproductive instincts are natural for any species, and the urges to do so can be quite powerful, but what's really strange is that the "exaltation" process appears entirely artificial; the angara we witnessed undergo the process was injected, needles and all, with some kind of biochemical agent. I wonder if kett were originally a species that had some natural means of reproducing, or even mutating other species, before opting for the injection method as a more efficient alternative.

Our mission provided answers about the kett, but also raises many more questions…

The truth has seemed to horrify everyone, but it also pretty much absolves us of any blame for hostile first-contact with them. There was never any chance for peace.

Another silver-lining? This will fire up the Resistance. We fought at their side on this mission. They have admirable determination, and guts  — even Drack was impressed by them!

Exaltation is not just a threat to them, either. Milky Way species could very well be at risk as well. The kett as an enemy are also a unifying force with the angara (enemy of our enemy and all that jazz). There may be yet other life in Andromeda we might make contact with, and they could be getting terrorized by the kett as well (and even if they’re not, they will not be safe when they do encounter them). That may be the one worthwhile thing about them.

* * *

 

After the mission, I went back to make sure Jaal was doing alright. Poor guy. He took the news pretty hard back at the facility. I can’t imagine having to fight the repurposed bodies of my own friends and loved ones. I might have to. That said, Jaal assures me that he will be fine.

We talked a bit about family. Like most angara, Jaal is close to his. Then he asked about mine. I told him that, truthfully, my family was never close. I always enjoyed the times we spent together, but those moments were few and far between. Dad was always away, Mom was often busy, and while we both worked for the Alliance, Scott and I pursued different career paths. Our ship’s crew can feel like family, though, Jaal notwithstanding. To my pleasant surprise, Jaal seemed to agree, and said he felt he had a purpose here. That was really encouraging to hear.

Some of my other teammates had interesting takes on exaltation. Vetra also had family on her mind: the kid sis, Sid. It actually told me a lot about her. Vetra basically had to raise Sid by herself, and had to scrap her way to a comfortable living for the two of them. She came to Andromeda with the hope of a new, better life for the two of them. We all have our “Why” on this mission. I’m glad to know what keeps Vetra going. I’ve said so before, but will say again: I like Vetra. She’s good people.

Drack and I talked strategy: collateral damage, ends and means. Drack said that the Archon had to be stopped, even at some of the highest prices. I ruled pretty firmly against that approach. This was just the sort of thing I alluded to earlier about all the unsavory stuff that might be done in the name of fighting kett. It may seem odd to say this after opting to blow up the kett facility with the victims still inside, but in that case, it really was the lesser of two bad choices. In some cases, that collateral may be necessary. We did not come all this way to be sacrificial lambs, though. We are here to survive, whatever the odds, and make a new life. There are precious few of us out here, too; we cannot afford catastrophic losses. As I said about my decision on Eos (military- or science-focus for the outpost), the key to our survival out here is not fighting hard, but fighting smart.

Truthfully, the term “collateral damage” bothers me. I hate the way it tries to sanitize wilfully killing those who are not the enemy. It should be called “human cost,” or something like that. Is it a painful reminder of what was sacrificed. Yes, that’s the point. No one should be allowed to lose sight of that.

Finally, Cora was pretty worked up about what we discovered. Having to fight your own friends and loved ones is pure evil, and Cora said as much. It was more than just the exaltation, though. It was doubt. Cora was writing strategy on how to fight kett. I looked it over and thought it checked out okay, but she told me that she felt unsure without someone higher on the chain-of-command (namely: Dad, or her former superiors with the commando) to bump her questions up to.

But, wait a sec. She does. I’m it. Well, … huh. It did not even occur to me at the time, but that seems to suggest that she still does not really see me as a superior, otherwise she would have just asked me. That’s pretty much an insult.

Then again, she did say (with hardly-contained bitterness) “you’re…  _ doing well _ .” In fairness, I’m not military in the truest sense; she has far more of that background than I do. Still, I  _ am _ her superior, and I think she really ought to come to me with those questions all the same.

Cora claims that she does not want to be rivals with me, and I believe she believes that, but I am getting the sense that my success stings her a bit  — as though proving Dad was right to choose me over her. You can almost feel that vibe from her as she stands in Pathfinder Hall, looking on longingly at all the displays, wondering if those could have been her accomplishments. Damn, when I put it that way, even I feel sorry for her. That said, while I sympathize, I am starting to get a bit tired of this dynamic between the two of us. At some point, she is going to have to make her peace with the status-quo, and I’m not sure she has done that as much as she thinks.

I should really say something to her. It’s not at a point where I’d pull her aside and have a word with her in private, but, something that gets the point across candidly. Being Pathfinder was neither my choice nor my wish, but we can’t go back now, and I need the team behind me 110%. Besides, all things considered, we have been doing pretty well so far. I want to build on that, not quibble over political bullshit.

Boy, that took a turn. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted all my thoughts on exaltation and covered all our team’s relevant findings related to it. Okay, that’s it, moving on…

* * *

 

The Moshae returned home to a cheering crowd. Our team was allowed entry and greater access into the city as well, and the vibe from their people as a whole was significantly more welcoming than first-contact. Some were even more suspicious of us, though. The team seemed to enjoy what Aya had to offer them. Liam and Drack were quick to hit the bar! xD

Aya is beautiful. It’s exactly the sort of world we envisioned ourselves living on when we made our way over to Andromeda. They cannot allow all angara to stay there, though. That privilege is given on a rotating basis. That does not bode well for our odds of moving in with them, but I remain hopeful that progress made toward making the cluster livable for all of us will open those doors. It’s my kind of place, hands-down the most beautiful planet we have visited in Heleus.

One angaran citizen tried to scan me for biological data. I can admire the scientific curiosity, but mine’s bigger, and I made her submit to my scan first. I got some pretty interesting information, and then agreed to let her scan me. That moment was more than an awkward cultural exchange to me, though. It told me something about myself: I am everything I aspire to be as the Pathfinder when I follow my intuition and pursue what I’m passionate about. I was not going to pass up the opportunity to learn more about the angara, and was willing to make a bold stand for it, and I ended up getting what I wanted out of her. And if I hadn't? Big whoop. The opportunity probably would have come up again anyway.

Good lesson.

That angaran woman also expressed concern, in not so many words, about humans overtaking angara in population size, and the implications it would have for their very family-oriented society. The angara value family very highly. I always wished my family was a little closer. Maybe we humans can learn a thing or two from them (... lookin’ at you, Dad!!). I also really feel a kinship with the angara, what with their openness and general love for life. It’s endearing, and I can relate. I think they’re wonderful people. <3

Moshae Sjefa then showed me the Remnant vault on Aya. It revealed to us an entire network of vaults, all converging at one place: Meridian. We hypothesize that Meridian holds the key to unlocking the terraforming secrets of the vault network. The Archon has already located it, though, and tried to get Moshae Sjefa to help him work it (even she is not sure how to accomplish this).

The Archon has some kind of relic, per the Moshae, that can point us to Meridian. The good news is, we have a lead on how to get it from him. One of Efvra’s men may have found intel that will get us there. The bad news? He’s being held prisoner on Kadara, where the Nexus exiles have set up camp. We were not around during the mutiny, so I am very interested in seeing Kadara firsthand.

Oh yeah, and the relic we’re chasing is on the Archon’s ship. So, we’ll have to board it to take it from him. That’ll be fun. =|

Yet that thought does not scare me as much as it once would have. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t sound like a cakewalk in the least, but my competence in combat has really taken off since I’ve gotten a hang of the SAM profiles. Like I said before, I could always hold my own out there between my tech, biotics, and firearms training (pistol/SMG -emphasis). SAM, however, puts me in another stratosphere completely.

I was always a good shot; I was getting my share of headshots on Habitat 7 with inferior guns. With SAM, though, it’s like automatic. SAM is able to heighten my reflexes and even allows me to see the crosshairs of my gun, sans scope. I also am better able to manage my energy expenditure with biotics and omnitool attacks.

I don’t even recognize the girl kicking all that ass out there. Can’t wait to put it to the test again on Kadara! >=D

But first, we’re headed for the Nexus. I have some business to take care of.


	8. Nexus, Day 8

Quick one, just some random Nexus business.

The angara have been granted an embassy on the Nexus. I met with one of their head diplomats for the momentous occasion. We chatted briefly, about their history here in Andromeda, their ongoing conflict with the kett, and the implications of us arriving here. I made sure to reassure him that we hope to be allies in the fight against the kett and any challenges we face along the way.

It went well, and with the establishment of an embassy on the Nexus and one for us on Aya, I’m really optimistic about relations between the Milky Way species and the angara going forward! Honestly, peace with the angara may go down as one of my proudest accomplishments when it’s all said and done. But we’re far from done. There’s a lot of work left to do.  
  


* * *

  
I met Keri for another interview. She asked about Eos, and I was upfront that there is no guarantee of safety out there. In truth, I could have perhaps gone with more of a Tann-approved message there, but I guess I was trying to keep things authentic in the spirit of her project.

She then gave me a more low-key question, asking about how I liked to unwind between missions. I threw a curveball at her and turned that question right back around. It took her by surprise, but she humored me. Keri used to enjoy sailing back in the Milky Way, and these days she likes to play ocean sounds and other such audio to relax her.

Anyway, I gave her my answer (which I didn’t really need time to think over): that I like to study, review our findings and geek out on reading material related to our work. So concluded her second episode. I meant what I said, though. Keri’s enthusiasm and idealism are really endearing; I’d love to go out with her sometime and really get to know what makes her tick. She did not seem terribly opposed to the idea, so, *fingers crossed* she will take me up on that sometime.  
  


* * *

  
We also had a situation on our hands in Hydroponics. There were dissidents, unhappy with how the succession-line for waking families from cryo was re-adjusted based on my decision on Eos (science personnel getting priority over military). I really tried to rationalize a reason to grant their family members the release they were seeking, but it would have just exacerbated the shortages we’re already facing with resources. I could understand their sentiment, but they were wrong; leaving their families in cryo really is for their own good. We’re just not ready for the extra mouths to feed, not that many unless they are more-than-pulling their own weight.

Also, they went further than merely protesting the leadership; they threatened Hydroponics. That’s terrorism. I also couldn’t help but remember various events in human history where tyrant rulers cracked down on protesters, and wondered if I was being the very thing I have detested. However, the actions of these dissidents would have threatened the well-being of countless people on the Nexus.

So we sent in the militia to break it up. I took no pleasure in that decision, but I really believe that was what the situation called for. It was ugly, and a few of the dissidents got roughed up and sent to the hospital for it. Thankfully, no deaths. I tried to do what I could to mitigate the fallout, using my influence to try to persuade them to stand down peacefully and just be patient with the process.

Another valuable lesson: what's popular isn't always right. Sometimes leaders have to use their platform to tell people the truth, however inconvenient.

It also makes me grudgingly consider that Tann may have had a point in casting the exiles off the Nexus. On one hand, I kind of feel like Tann is not a real effective communicator and brought some of that on himself. On the other, I guess there were probably a pretty significant number of people that really did have to go.

Truth is rarely something so black-and-white.

At any rate, I hope to not make it matter for very long. With luck, our people will be reunited with their families soon as we continue to make Heleus a home for all of us. Until then, some people are going to try to take matters into their own hands. It is what it is, I guess. I'll just use it as fuel for our cause.  
  


* * *

  
It’s funny, because every now and then, I find myself speaking to citizens of the Nexus about the stuff our team is doing. I’ve spoken to a citizen who was angry that she got roped into a big mess made possible by my father, and told me off for it. Another citizen was weary of the angara and asked if we could trust them. I encouraged her to take the time to get to know them, and she said she would try doing so. More recently, I met a citizen who was excited about our discovery of Aya and asked when we would be moving in. I told her that it would hopefully happen in due time, and she thanked me for the work I’ve been doing as Pathfinder.

I appreciate these moments. It definitely made my day when a woman I met today told me to keep up the good work. Even the negative feedback is important to me, though. It’s important to know what the people are saying, and to always strive to do better.  
  


* * *

  
SAM and I also unlocked another one of Dad’s memories. This most recent one was about Mom. Her illness was advancing, and Dad tried to convince her that SAM could save her. Mom was unsure about it, and suggested that maybe it was really time for her to go. Dad had a hard time accepting that. He also felt guilty that he was never around for us, so he wanted to make it up by keeping the three of us together. She told him to give them the father they never had, but he thought we’d never accept him. SAM also “met” Mom for the first time, and told her a bad joke about why trees go to the dentist (something something root-canals), which she probably found funnier than she should have.

Gosh, the whole thing was just so bittersweet. Seeing Mom again, hearing Dad talk about her, all that? I wasn’t quite ready for it. SAM also better understood, after seeing it, why Dad was so committed to seeing him through.  
  


* * *

  
Back on the ship, Lexi got that kett specimen she’d wanted. Jaal also stopped by. She and I tried to tell him that there was likely no way to save the angaran victim -- the rewrite was too extensive, irreversible. It’s been difficult for him, but it’s important that he comes to terms with the reality of the situation. I also spoke to her privately about the latest memory reveal. No major revelations or anything this time around, but, I enjoy the time I get with her all the same (so long as the needles aren’t involved).

We’re headed for Kadara next. This should be interesting…


	9. Kadara, Day 8.

Hoo, boy. ‘Just got back from Kadara. It’s… quite the place. We arrived at the port and were welcomed by the sight of a kett head on a spike. I’ve got no love for the kett, but that feels rather over-the-top.

On the way over to the bar where I was to meet with my contact, I encountered the Outcasts (local, ruling gang) beating up some poor fellow for not paying his “protection fees.” Naturally, I took exception, asked if the beatings were necessary, but SAM pointed out that it was best if I kept a low-profile and just let it go. He had a point. I was then briefed by my contact, Shena, who actually happened to be a human male by the name of Reyes.

I had to go through Sloane Kelly to get to Vehn Terev, whom she’s holding prisoner and awaits execution. Sloane wants to pander to the angaran locals (of which there are many; this port belonged to them once), and they want his head for betraying the Moshae. She offered to let me speak to him and get the intel I needed if I let her keep him, but I knew Efvra wanted him alive, and I wanted to respect our ally’s wishes. When I didn’t take her deal, she would not entertain me further and had me escorted out.

Damn, I knew she hated Nexus, but I was hoping to prove I wasn’t Tann. At the very least, I’d be useful to her in keeping the kett at bay. Guess not.

Reyes had a workaround for me that allowed me to get to Terev and allow him to escape when the Resistance comes to secure him. We talked, he told me where I could find the intel, and why he did it. Dummy thought that the kett, who’ve been abducting angara by the shipload, only wanted the Moshae and that surrendering one of their people’s most beloved figures would make them back off.

Our team then ventured into the Kadara’s badlands to find the intel he’d left behind with the information we needed to track the Archon. We found it. It was busted, but Gil thinks he can get it working again. He’s on it as we speak.  
  


* * *

  
Kadara is rough and seedy, but there is an odd sort of beauty to the place. The badlands are an alpine landscape, lush with all different sorts of colorful wildlife, and the water — though toxic — is this gorgeous hue of turquoise (flammable though, what with the sulfur content … might wanna do something about that). I’m not sure offhand what the solar cycle is like on the planet, but the sky was a sunset orange for the hours we spent there. Top it off with the sprawl and lights of a new galactic civilization, and honestly, I think it’s quite pretty. Not Aya-pretty, but I might actually prefer it to Havarl. It’s a little hard to like, but you know what? A lot of people are, but there is still good in them, if you’re willing to find it.

Sloane is going to be an issue, though. She hates the Nexus as it is, even if I wasn’t part of her beef with them, and I didn’t exactly get on her good side, either. It was pretty asinine, really. I said something mildly opposed to her wishes and she calls off talks entirely. Power-trip much? She probably got off a bit on telling off a Nexus representative (Pathfinder, to boot).

I also see the way that the Outcasts keep “order” on the port. Now look, I’m not naïve, I get that a place like that will require leadership with a firm hand, but the Outcasts go too far where it’s not necessary and do not do enough where it matters. We saw a wind turbine out in the badlands, under constant harassment by scavengers. That seems useful, for everyone. Why couldn’t the Outcasts help protect something like that, or at least subsidize it?

Trying to win the exiles back over seems pretty dicey after seeing Kadara Port firsthand. They’re still pretty bitter about what happened, and I definitely got a lot of sideways looks while I was out there. I wasn’t part of the ruling administration that made that decision, but I’m “Nexus,” so to many of them I may as well have been. Still, they are our people, too, and we have precious few to spare as we look to colonize Heleus. I’m willing to accept as many of them back as we are able to.

I expect to return a few times. That Reyes fellow does owe me a drink…  
  


* * *

  
When I got back on the ship, the team was assembled in the meeting area for an emergency session. They thought I called it. Turns out, it was Drack. He said there was some stuff going down in the krogan colony on Elaaden that demanded my attention. Vetra echoed his concerns. Peebee also mentioned a spike in outlaw activity in the Remav system.

Of course, there is also the outstanding matter of the Archon. Gil thinks he can have the location for us within 24 hours. Some of the team wants that to be our focus. In truth, that has been the priority for me up to this point, and I have put a lot of other business on hold because of it.

Obviously, it’s an incredibly bold and risky move to infiltrate the Archon’s flagship. It felt like a good idea not to rush into that and make sure I have my other affairs in order. I told the team that we were here to make Heleus our home, that I think it will do us some good to spend some time helping the Initiative get its footing, and that doing so could aid in our fight against the kett -or- our efforts to make sense of the Remnant in ways we don’t expect.

So I elected to hold off on hitting the Archon right away. If something unexpected arises either way, we’ll adjust accordingly.

I also made sure to keep everyone focused, on-task during the meeting, and we followed proper procedure while conducting it (even if I was not the one who called said meeting). I’m glad I did. It’s worth reminding them that while I may be their friend, I’m also their captain, and that comes with another set of rules and expectations that must be respected.

**~*exhale*~**

Apart from that, things were pretty quiet back on the Tempest. I did have a nice chat with Suvi on the bridge, though. We share a lot of interests, and just seem to be on the same wavelength in general. I’m glad she joined our team, and I enjoy our deep conversations about everything from science to spirituality to what we have encountered in Andromeda. I may have gushed and said that part out loud, too. Dammit, that woman is just _too_ fucking adorable!

Cora has a lead on the Leusinia. The Arks are one of my highest priorities after our main objective (Remnant network/Archon). So we’ll be hitting Voeld next.


	10. Voeld/Ark Leusinia, Days 9-10

The team traveled back to Voeld yesterday to chase a few leads. Cora had a tip on the asari ark, and Peebee wanted a piece of Remtech from the area. While I was out there, we made contact with Resistance teams there and liberated one of the kett’s wretched labor-camps. A recovered data file then allowed my team to infiltrate one of their bases and take out their leader, the Prefect. When that was over, we made our way over to an underground cave where the kett were dug in deep with some angaran slaves. We discovered the thing that the Prefect and its minions were after: an ancient AI.

The AI was online, but pretty badly beaten up. It (she?) tried to lie about its identity, claiming to be a VI interface, but SAM told me the truth of it. It/she then, for whatever reason, tried to convince me that she was failing and near death. When SAM busted it/her bubble yet again, one of the angara we freed tried to recover the AI. It/she attacked, and forced us to choose between its/her life or his. It was a heat-of-the-moment decision. While I hated the idea of losing out on all the valuable information the AI could have given us, it/she also just felt way too volatile for any of us to work with. So, I killed the AI to save the angara.

Still, the implications of this finding are incredible. It is thought that there may be other such AI across Voeld. Hopefully we find one that’s not completely off its rocker.

It also brings up some interesting questions about living alongside AI as fellow citizens. In fact, SAM recently brought this topic up with me. I feel like there would be a widespread belief that AI would not be as individualistic as organics are. There may even be truth to such an idea, too, but they are still individuals all the same. SAM and that AI are clearly not the same person. SAM is devoted to my success as Pathfinder, and that AI had no interest in being useful to us. AI will have to be judged as individuals, in my opinion. And, as SAM said, the laws will have to extend to them as well, although there will also be some laws specific to them that will have to be crafted.

Shoot, I’m not even sure how to gender them. I suppose I should be referring to SAM as “he” unless otherwise specified. That Voeld AI, probably a “she.” Would AI even have a concept of gender, though? Or, better question: would they even care? I feel like being called “he” or “she” would indicate being seen as human and thus being more socially-accepted than being called “it” (which could indicate an attitude of being seen as an object more than as a person). On the other hand, those words just might not mean anything to them like they do to society. What do they care, really, about acting consistently with one gender or not?

Gosh, that rabbit-hole goes further down than my mind’s-eye can see. I might want to grab one of those “medicinal” leaves from Kadara before I ponder it any further! :3

And what on Eos(!) could have possibly made that AI so suicidal? AI have feedback-loops that resemble our brain’s “reward-system,” but while they may feel pain in their own right, they are not hurt by the same sorts of things. Did the cold put too much stress on its hardware? If the Scourge messed up this planet, was the AI also affected firsthand? Spirits, so many questions!

Truth told, I think sapient AI integration into our society is going to the next big political issue. I fully expect the debate to arise within my lifetime here. That’s another one of many reasons my partnership with SAM is so important. Trials like these pave the way for future success. With luck, we’ll have solutions ready before too many of the problems arise.

But enough about that, let’s not forget what did go right: we freed many angara from enslavement at the hands of the wretched kett.

It’s not just a win for them, but their families who wondered if they’d ever see them again. This is the stuff that gets me going, and really boosts the spirits of the rest of the team — knowing we did something that made a positive difference. There have been many hurdles along the way of making Andromeda our home, no question, but it’s easier to see the end goal with each step you get closer.  
  


* * *

  
Our efforts on Voeld helped make the planet viable for an outpost. The Initiative staked a claim, and we now have another foothold to call our own. Voeld is not my kind of place, and most of us probably did not sign up for the Initiative with dreams of calling an arctic arcadia our home, but some of our people eager to just get off the Nexus and get some meaningful work done.

Dad might have liked the place, though. As Scott said when we spoke through SAM, he never minded the snow. I actually thought about him a lot while we were out there. Imagining him being right there at our side helped keep me going, because I'm sure no fan of the cold, myself.

Voeld also looks to serve a valuable purpose for Eos and future colonies, with its massive ice reserves helping provide them water. It’s also a strategic location in the fight against the kett. Our help out there can really give the Resistance deliver a blow.

I still need to get the vault on Voeld back online, and find Dr. Blake’s team. The conditions at the time made exploring the vault that impossible. We’ll see about giving it another try later.  
  


* * *

  
With SAM’s help, Cora was able to locate Ark Leusinia. When we arrived, the ship was badly damaged and under attack by kett intruders, but still flying. We boarded and met with their captain, who informed us that their Pathfinder was killed in an encounter with the kett. Sarissa Theris was the Pathfinder’s bodyguard, whom Cora has talked up as a legend among asari commandos. She said that while she was unable to save their Pathfinder, that she was able to at least recover valuable intel on the kett to help fight them. At the time, that seemed like reasonable consolation.

Long story short, we lent our team to help get the ship’s malfunctioning drive-core back up and running with the help of Sarissa’s rookie second-in-command. We disabled a device causing the problem, and learned the truth of what happened: Sarissa left her Pathfinder to die knowingly so she could get the intel.

We had to put that aside for a bit, as there was a massive hull-breach and numerous incoming intruders that required our attention first. Cora and Sarissa patched up the hole with improvised biotic barriers, which deflected incoming projectiles right back at the kett ship that fired them, destroying it. Once we were clear, the captain flew the ship into FTL to safety.  
  


* * *

  
We were then left with the uncomfortable task of confronting Sarissa over what we had just found. Cora was extremely disappointed that Sarissa abandoned her Pathfinder. Sarissa said that being Pathfinder meant inspiring others, and that damaging her reputation was bad for everyone. After all, I did say moments earlier that Pathfinders had to take risks, though I didn't exactly have all the facts at the time.

I’ve felt conflicted on other decisions, but the utter haziness I felt in mind while trying to determine the best course-of-action rivals any other I’ve had to make up to this point. I mean, I was working through solving the problem in my head at the same time I was making the decisions in real-time, and I must confess, I gave serious thought to covering for Sarissa and letting her remain Pathfinder. It was the first clear solution that I could determine.

However, I believed the asari needed to hear the truth about what happened. Their captain was understandably upset when Cora told her what we found out, and she motioned to pass the title of Pathfinder onto the next-in-line: Vederia, the 2IC we worked with. Were there any chance left of the captain changing her mind, it effectively ended as I voiced my support for Vederia. Lastly, Cora had something very poignant to say to Sarissa about her downfall, using Sarissa’s own words about how the commando without the trust of her fellow soldiers stands alone (~something to that effect).

Like with my decision on Eos, the more I look back on this one, the better I feel about what I did. A part of me genuinely does feel bad for Sarissa, but I really think things worked out the best they possibly could have.  
  


Sarissa has solid credentials for the job of Pathfinder, and she may have even argued that her decision was not only justifiable, but necessary. However, that decision also made their Ark the target of the kett’s perpetual wrath. They were lucky we were able to find them in time to pull their boots out of the fire, data notwithstanding.

Besides which, who knows how having their Pathfinder alive and well could have made up for that data. That part is tougher sell, because Ishara was a diplomat, and we know enough about the kett now to know that any gestures of peace with the kett would have ended in failure. I’d like to think that if Ishara and Sarissa put their minds together, they would have come up with some clever solution to save the Ark and find their way safely to the Nexus, but if I’m being honest with myself, that seems like wishful thinking. Still, it’s not as if Sarissa knew better when choosing to leave Ishara behind, either.

On that note, I’m not sure if she’s what we need in a Pathfinder right now. By that I mean: military, for a host of reasons.

First off, the Pathfinder may not have an enviable task, but all it takes for someone to want the job is to think they can do it better than the person above them. I don’t get the sense that Sarissa made a power-play for the glory of it, but I do get the sense that she thought she could do a better job than Ishara, and while that may not have been on her mind at the time she chose to leave Ishara behind, she may have felt empowered to do so with this in the back of her head. And it’s dangerous to reward or in any way reinforce that sort of behavior, consciously done or not.

Going hand-in-hand with that, Ishara was not military. She was political, with Sarissa taking care of any bad actors as her bodyguard. In a sense, they were a package-deal. So what Sarissa did could quite easily be seen as a military coup d'etat, even without the knowledge that she could have saved Ishara, and that’s a really bad look. When you promote the idea that military leadership trumps its diplomatic counterpart, you are basically flirting with principles of fascism. Is that the new world we want to create?

Lastly, her background is not consistent with the direction I believe the Initiative should go. Again, given two approaches to solving problems, I take “getting smart” over “getting tough” every time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely a use for military solutions, what with our kett problem, but it’s also one of those things that can quickly begin to do more harm than good — it has to be exercised as diplomatically as possible.

What was really troubling about the log that recovered was that Sarissa ignored Ishara’s pleas to save her when taking the intel from the kett, which reveals a brazen disregard for her diplomat counterparts. (Now, if the audio logs revealed that Ishara asked Sarissa to leave her behind to get the kett data, that would make things very different, but this discussion is purely academic).  
  


Our team worked with Vederia to help get the Ark in FTL shape. She was a bit in-over-her-head, but can you blame her? She was on a wrecked ship, getting worse with every kett encounter, and had every reason to believe they were going to die at-sea until we happened to find them. She is a “junior commando” and thus has not had the extensive experience Sarissa has. That said, she proved on our mission that she is teachable, taking direction from Cora and myself admirably considering the dire circumstances. She showed competence when it mattered most.

Vederia is also quite profoundly unpretentious, in contrast to her predecessor. Sarissa is not wrong to be prideful; she is certainly an impressive commando. Shoot, one of the things I have learned as a leader is that you need to carry yourself like one. That means poise, and a little bit of moxie (within reason). That said, I think Sarissa has gotten a little too big-headed for her own good, and that was her undoing. And, while I really feel like the asari captain was a bit needlessly harsh with Sarissa, I think she nailed it when she said that perhaps a Pathfinder with some humility is the replacement we need right now. I hope Vederia takes after the best qualities of her predecessors.

I figure Sarissa will remain involved in some way, so that experience will not truly be lost to us. Regardless, Cora and I plan to help Vederia along in whatever way we can.

Heh, I guess I may have seen a bit of myself in her.  
  


Finally, Cora. Honestly, this mission and its resolution might have been the best thing that could have happened for the two of us. I feel like only now is she truly at peace with Dad’s decision to name me Pathfinder.

It could be that I’m always wrongly assuming the least charitable thoughts/intentions, but it almost feels like Cora put as much effort into searching for the Leusinia as she did because she didn’t think I was up to the task, and so she looked to a person she did trust. Whether or not that’s true, she got a reality-check. She even said as much, saying that maybe Sarissa is not who she thought she was, and that maybe Dad made the right call back on H7.

I'm sure Cora would have handled herself fine in my shoes, and I told her as much, but I think the point is: Pathfinder may not be her true calling. Cora's "why" was finding her place in the world, and I think this mission showed that maybe her place is somewhere other than where she thought.

Cora is good people. I sincerely hope she finds her way out here. In any case, I'm glad we've finally resolved any lingering friction between us.  
  


* * *

  
Vetra’s kid sister brought something to our attention that may need looking into, something about colonists getting abducted, but first I’ll need to make a quick stop at the Nexus.


	11. Nexus/H-047c, Day 11

So I walked into the Nexus to the sight of Tann welcoming our new asari arrivals and altogether grandstanding like an idiot. I wonder what those asari made of it. They probably were receptive to him, given what their Ark had been through to get here. As someone who knows Tann this well, though, it was pretty ridiculous. Then he spotted me walking in, and invited me to join in and say a few words. I hope there is scant video footage of it because I probably looked really goofy trying not to laugh uncontrollably!

After all the hoopla concluded, a few of the asari refugees pulled me aside to give their personal thanks. That made my day, and was far more meaningful than the big show Tann put on.

I met up with Keri again for a third interview. This time we covered first-contact success with the angara, and my take on Aya. I expressed my sincere optimism for our alliance with the angara, and that one day we may live side-by-side with them on beautiful Aya.

Privately, Keri told me that being too close to an interviewee poses an ethical dilemma for the work she’s doing. I thought she was about to give me the Lexi treatment, but then she told me that once her project concludes, maybe we could follow-up on things. I told her that that sounded wonderful — another thing that went right today. =D

On a more poignant note, SAM and I saw another memory together. This one was of the Ryder clan, all in the same room. I remembered that day, but it’s surreal to see it through Dad’s eyes. I can’t feel what Dad feels when I see these flashbacks, but the way he’d be so absent-minded at times came back to me from the ways he’d look off into space. He was weird with people, but once we got him talking about some of the stuff he’d seen or things that he was knowledgeable about, he could really dazzle you with brilliance. I was reminded of that in this memory.

It also reminded me of our mission together on Habitat 7, and feeling for the first time in forever that Dad didn’t feel like a stranger to me. I wish he could see what we’ve seen. I wish we could have traveled to Eos, Voeld, and Havarl at each other’s side. Oh what could have been, right? I’m damn proud of all we’ve accomplished thus far, though, and think Dad would have been, too.  
  


* * *

 

Peebee showed me the project she’d been working on. She actually reconstructed a Remnant observer — pretty impressive. She tells me it can help us out in the field, too. Nice! I’m willing to give it a spin in place of my turret. We were then interrupted by her ex, who took an interest in the ‘bot. It was an awkward moment, but Peebee got over it quickly. Gil and Suvi are going to look over the observer before we put it to the test in combat. ‘Should be interesting!

I saw Vederia at Pathfinder Hall. Cora has quickly taken to mentoring her. She will have my help as well. We talked a bit. Vederia will be heading missions to chart out the Scourge. It’s a helluva first assignment, but they don’t name you Pathfinder to play things safe. Heh, brings back an old Dad quote: “A ship at the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are for.” (Or something to that effect).

Besides, she has already dealt with the Scourge firsthand. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, perhaps. She’s a bright girl; I trust she’ll take care of herself out there. We’ll all be dealing with the Scourge for a while, and understanding the nature of the beast helps make it less scary (not to mention easier to deal with).

Vederia is also a very spiritual/religious person. I like that about her. She has more of a doctrinal faith, whereas my spirituality is totally fluid, but it seems to keep her honest all the same. I like that kind of piousness, even if strict adherence to ancient gospel is not for me.

Lastly, I asked about Sarissa, and Vederia said that she has gone absent practically without any real warning (AWOL?). Vederia figures she’s out killing kett or something like that. Sarissa took her demotion pretty hard. I continue to feel bad for her, but then this just further validates my decision to support Vederia for Pathfinder. That’s a me-first, diva’s attitude right there. We need all-hands-on-deck to make the Andromeda Initiative successful. Your bruised ego or wounded pride do not come before our people.  
  


* * *

 

Suvi asked me if I’d seen Lexi anywhere over my comm, said that she couldn’t get into contact with her, and was worried something was wrong. I found her at Vortex, deep in thought, with a big (albeit unopened) bottle of booze in front of her. She looked pretty dejected. When I asked what was bothering her, she said it was Peebee’s constant personal jabs about her and how she treated everyone like a test subject. She said that her exes had told her similar things.

I was pretty surprised. I had been hearing some of the icy exchanges between the two of them, but I had no idea Lexi was this hurt by the stuff Peebee has said. I may need to have a talk with her — hell, maybe the whole team — about bullying and treating everyone with respect. To the more immediate issue of Lexi’s feelings, though, I reassured her that I knew she cared about everyone on this team, and that she’s doing a fine job as our doctor. I think she needed to hear that from someone. She never did open that bottle, but said she’ll save it for a rainy day.

Gotta admit, though … it was nice to know that maybe she didn’t turn me down because she wasn’t interested! =P …. Still, she’s a long way from changing her mind, and in all seriousness, she doesn’t need me complicating things further.

Anyway, as if that wasn’t enough, I returned to ship to find Gil and Kallo in a heated exchange over his ship upgrades they keep arguing about. Ugh, I should have known this would come to a head and done something about it, but both of them kept assuring me it was nothing to worry about. Gil wants the ship to be able to handle all the stuff Heleus throws at us, hence his constant upgrading of its parts, but Kallo has a strong sentimental attachment to the ship and all the loving care that went into its construction, so he is bothered by Gil’s blasé attitude of removing and revamping.

Rationally, I agreed more with Gil. Not unlike any living, breathing organism, the Tempest has to adapt and evolve to life in the galaxy to survive and thrive out here — and that is in everyone’s interest. To that end, I also felt like Kallo was looking at the issue from too much of an emotional standpoint than what is for the best for our team.

With that said, I ended up ruling more in Kallo’s favor. While I am A-okay with making regular improvements to the Tempest, I have also been concerned about Gil’s cavalier attitude about it and hope this makes him slow down a bit. I will try to work out more of an understanding between them, but I do want Gil to take it easy with the frequent improvements, talented though he may be as an engineer. At some level, I also ruled that way because I felt like Gil would be better able to handle it. Kallo was just too emotional about this for me to feel like I would have gotten through to him.

*Sigh* … this is one part of my job I do NOT enjoy: those times when I have to be space!nanny. And, again, this ship has some pretty big personalities aboard it, so reining them in is no easy task. That said, I do feel like I am getting a better handle on them and my authority as their captain. Like I said, I make an effort to be friends with everyone here, but I have learned that I also need to be their _boss_ at time — whether they like what I tell them or not.

On a more positive note about them, Liam is planning a movie night for the team. I liked the idea and gave it my thumbs-up. I got the movies from Nexus archives some time ago, but since then, we’ve had members of our crew pitch in with their ideas to make it more fun. Suvi tasked me with getting the ingredients from Aya for some angaran snacks that she thinks will be a hit, but Vetra has since e-mailed me that she thinks she may be able to get some good old-fashioned popcorn. Hopefully it will help bring us together, de-stress.  
  


* * *

 

Vetra’s kid sister, Sid, got herself into trouble. We were told that this was a case of colonists going missing, but then found out that Sid was using Vetra’s resources to help give some outcasts a new, fresh start back on the colonies to the chagrin of some ringleader called Meriwether whom they were working for.

The situation was messy, and even culminated into a hostage situation with her sister, but rather than set my gun down, I faked it and fired off a shot as I was pretending to lay it down. It might have looked reckless, but honestly, my team and I have really become such an effective unit working together and being on the same page with each other even as I improvise, so I trusted they would take it in-stride. Sure enough, Vetra rushed forward without a second thought and chucked Meriwether’s explosive right back at ‘em!

So, we got the colonists back to safety, and helped return Sid back to the Nexus in one piece.

What Sid did was careless, and we all got into a bit of trouble for it, but I admired her intentions and understood why she did it. Sid looks up to us — not only Vetra, but also me — and she was trying to emulate us, but I think she has learned now that a lot of what we do is not fun-and-games after seeing it up close. I had her blow a generator remotely, and doing so took out a few guards, which disturbed her a bit. It’s one thing to see this kind of action in vids. It’s entirely another to see it firsthand, and even pull the trigger.

… … I remember the first time I killed. It was on Binthu, Voyager Cluster, in an excursion where we were studying Prothean ruins. We had a run-in with Terminus raiders that had come to strip it down and sell anything valuable. I killed two, actually: a turian with my biotics, and a batarian with my sidearm (though my shooting was horribly inaccurate that day; I felt panicked). They did not really give me any choice, but still, it's haunting to watch the consciousness (proverbial "soul") leave the body in real-time. I can still see their faces today.

I asked Scott what it was like for him when he first killed someone. He said he didn’t feel anything; I couldn’t tell if he meant it or was just trying to be macho. I tried asking Dad, but we didn’t really get anywhere; he just kept saying something along the lines of 'doing what we had to do.'

It wasn’t until I met someone on my next assignment that I was finally able to fully work through it. He was an Alliance lieutenant with a lot of combat experience, but kind-hearted, and a wonderful listener. He told me not to forget them, like many others did, but remember it and use it to dedicate myself to peace — so that more of this killing might be avoided. It almost seems like a roundabout justification for more violence, but it has motivated me to keep bloodshed to a minimum wherever possible, and accept that if I couldn’t stop it, it probably couldn’t have been done.

 _Ahhh, Julian_ … he was a king among boys. I tried to get closer to him (regs be damned), but it went nowhere, and soon our assignments sent us our separate ways. I couldn’t tell if he was uninterested, unaware, or just super-professional. He was a deeply thoughtful person, but damn hard to read… …

Vetra and I talked about it back on the ship. She’s right to want to protect her from this life, but I see a kid that wants to do some good, and I tried to encourage Vetra to help foster Sid’s idealism in some constructive way (otherwise, she’ll try something risky like this in a matter of time). She was worried, though: what if gets herself trouble, what if she does something that could get her hurt? I told her that, whatever happens, I’ll be there for them, and that I care about Sid because I care about her. Speaking my heart has backfired in the past, but I’m glad I did it this time. I feel like anything less would have been insufficient, and that I really won her respect by doing so.

I truly meant what I said. I’ve liked Vetra from the beginning, but now I feel like we’ve really bonded and I have a deeper connection with her than that. Yes, I mean _love_ , but for once, this girl’s pansexual tendencies are not attached to it. I mean, Vetra is not unattractive. She is actually kind of pretty if I think about it, and I could probably get off to dirty thoughts of her if I put my mind to it. But I won't; there is more to love than carnal feelings of lust. Besides, heaven knows I do NOT need another infatuation right now.

Still, that warm, fiery feeling I get inside for the person I love is no less present here than any other time I feel for someone. Some might liken it to a sisterly relationship. I guess that’s accurate. We’re not sisters, though. It takes something stronger than that to love someone like family when they are not.

Why do we even love our siblings? We grow up with them, thus we get to see who they really are in a way that few others ever get to. We also have similar genetics, so at some level we may see ourselves in them. Altogether, they have advantages that strangers do not. Without knowing Scott as well as I do, he may as well be any other wide-eyed Alliance kid to me. That’s what love is all about, though: dedicating time and effort to seeing the beauty in that person. And Vetra has had a checkered past, with shady connections even now, but in my eyes? I see a strong woman, a loving sister, and an all-around beautiful person. What's not to love?

I think another thing that makes me feel close to Vetra is how she keeps Sid close to her. My family was never tight-knit, though I wanted us to be, but I feel the warmth of their relationship when I’m around them like I’m standing by a fire.

I guess, in my head, I’ve kind of made them my adoptive sisters.  
  


* * *

 

To end this all on a high note for Team Tempest, we reactivated a Remnant tiller that will mine Helium-3 and keep our ships supplied with fuel for literal centuries (over 300, damn-near 400). It does not make up for the loss of the turian homeworld that the asteroid field represents, but as Vetra has said on our travels, you play the hand you’re dealt, not wonder why you were dealt it. It’s something.

Now, it’s off to Elaaden. Time to find out what’s going on out there.


	12. Elaaden, Day 12

Elaaden is a desert moon where the sun never sets and the temperature drops no lower than 52 degrees. Hot as hell for a human, but no big deal for the krogan, who have set up a colony there: New Tuchanka. In the middle of it all lay a crashed Remnant dreadnought. We met with Jorgal Strux in a small establishment run by called “The Paradise” and an angaran merchant (which, as Drack pointed out, has a different meaning for krogan) and he briefed us on the situation: Morda consolidating power, rationing supplies, and being an all-around tyrant.

Then we met with her, and it only could have gone worse if she’d have done more than just _threaten_ to smash my helmet in…

One of Strux’s contacts then led me on a wild goose chase for a Remnant drive-core extracted from the derelict ship, telling us Morda was planning to use it to create a bomb. We ventured through the ship itself only to find scavengers had already gotten to it. Then SAM marked a few possible locations for it based on his readings, saying that the energy emitted from the device left a trail. The trail ended at a base under Strux’s control. Thankfully, the drive-core was there for us to extract.

Drack figured that this was a power-play by Strux to undermine Morda’s political standing. When we got back, Strux tried to double-cross us, telling Morda we stole it, except I had evidence he was behind the whole thing. The two of them settled things the old-fashioned way; Morda bested him and cast him out.

We then had the outstanding issue of the Remnant drive-core to settle. Morda wanted it back, but “finders keepers,” right? She offered to allow us to set up an outpost on Elaaden in return for the device. Or, we could keep it, and it would be a valuable source of power for an outpost like Prodromos. If we did, though, the krogan would declare themselves a sovereign, anti-Nexus state. SAM also reminded me that unchecked krogan advancement has led to major conflict with them back in the Milky Way.

I left everyone in suspense for a few moments as I mulled it over. Ultimately, I agreed to Morda’s deal. Another outpost is a big help for the Initiative, every bit as much as that device might have been. This way, we will both benefit from its use. Future betrayal? Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I’d rather have them under our watchful eye if they really are going to try something. Also, while Morda’s words do not inspire confidence, she has been leading the colony in a surprisingly progressive direction for krogan. For all her bluster, she’s not terribly militaristic, compared to past krogan leadership. Maybe it’s because she’s a woman? Whatever the case, I doubt she would just stab us in the back like that.

Besides, I believe we will need the krogan on our side. They are more clever than given credit for, are invaluable for braving hazardous conditions and heavy-lifting, and their warriors are as tough as they come (useful, given our kett problem). I’d rather try to make a peaceful alliance with them and fail than guarantee hostility with them. We can ill-afford to be fighting each other given the immense challenges we face in making Heleus home. There are not many lives to spare; we did not bring many people over. Every individual is precious.  
  


* * *

  
Oh, and that reminds me: I met this wonderful krogan male while we were there, and (stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but): I totally fell in love with him! He was up on a platform overlooking the landscape outside New Tuchanka, taking in the view, saying that there wasn’t really an opportunity to do that kind of thing back home. That alone impressed me; it’s refreshing to meet other people who take a moment to just appreciate the wonder of all this.

Then he told me about an angara he’d met. They’d spent time together stargazing and this or that. He described her as a “friend” even after I asked if it may have been something more than that, but their relationship had pretty romantic undertones from how he described it. Hey, as an avowed poly, I’m certainly not judging! He has lost track of her more recently, though, and wondered if maybe I’d seen her. I told him I’d keep an eye out, and I really hope we find her safe and sound. I’d hate for this story to end in tragedy.

I’ve got some mixed feelings on Morda. She is a horrendous diplomat, which was a big reason why I took the bait from Strux on her going hostile. I’m no politician myself, but with all the mistrust that her people face, leading potential allies to not only believe cooperation is impossible, but that you are an outright enemy of theirs? That’s kind of a problem. And using might to settle political conflict like she and Strux did is about as antiquated as it gets. To her credit, though, she seems to get that the way forward for the krogan is through advancement rather than conquest. And, she was rational enough to put her people’s differences aside to work with us. She will be a handful, but I sincerely want to work with her, and help steer her more in the right direction for her people and their continued cooperation with the rest of us.

Andromeda is a fresh start for all of us, and perhaps more for the krogan than anyone else. They were spurned time and again back home, though. A lot of mistrust and unresolved issues between their people and the rest of us apparently carried over to Heleus. We have got to do better than we did in Milky Way.

The genophage is one of those unresolved issues that remains. It has not been completely cured, but its effects can be mitigated somewhat. I encountered a krogan couple discussing having a baby, or trying, but she was uncomfortable with the idea. So they asked my advice. I told him to respect her autonomy.

One thing that a lot of staunch genophage proponents never seem to appreciate is the "human" side of it: the emotional trauma inflicted on the krogan — females in particular. They get so hung up on the idea of “normalizing” krogan birth-rates to make it more like the rest of ours that they overlook the suffering they’ve inflicted on the mother — going through stillbirths after stillbirths — just to get to the desired result. Again, the genophage is a debate that wracks every part of my brain, but this is one side of it (perhaps the only side) where there is a clear right/wrong.

It will be tempting for krogan men to pressure their women to be baby-making machines in Andromeda. There will be an expectation for all of us to do that, given our limited numbers and all the environmental factors stacked against our survival, but the emotional toll will be much greater on krogan women with the genophage still present. The key to a healthy society -- krogan and otherwise — is empowered females.  
  


* * *

  
Anyway, I can’t complete this entry without mentioning the derelict Remnant ship. That thing was a marvel. And the implications are mind-numbing, suggesting that the Remnant and/or their creators are not native to this cluster, and maybe not even native to this galaxy.

The question of the hour, of course, is: … where are they now?

Perhaps they perished in the Scourge, or with whatever caused it. Our scans indicate that it took damage from the Scourge at some time, but the angara have been here since before it appeared, so one would think they would have encountered these migrants. Is there something they haven’t told us? Do they know about the kett?

This raises so many questions, but it’s another piece of the puzzle (and makes my decision not to bum-rush the Archon look a little smarter).  
  


* * *

  
Elaaden is home to roaming scavengers and some of the nastiest exiles in general. They had a stronghold people were referring to as “the flophouse.” Then, we happened. Drack and Peebee accompanied me for the fight and most of our business on the colony. For an Initiative outpost to survive out there, we needed to clear it out.

I signed onto the Initiative with dreams of exploration, and in many ways, I got it. There are some things I didn’t get, too — lush, beautiful “golden worlds” to call home —, but some adversity was to be expected, and there’s hope that we may rectify that in due time. But kicking bandit ass across space and leading missions to shut down their operations? I did not see myself doing this in my wildest dreams. Yet, here I am, even kind of enjoying it!

I bet my pet turret is enjoying it, too. During our mission, we had to hack into one of their security consoles and stand against an onslaught of their mooks (plus adhi). My turret took point, racked up over 20 kills in that fight alone, and got around 50 on the day. I’m such a proud drone-mom! =,)

Peebee’s Observer, Zap, does a fine job too, but I feel like I can be more tactical with how I use my turret. Still, I’m happy to have both of them — two combat ‘bots for every occasion. Am I a lucky gal or what? I haven’t given my turret a name, though, and he has more than earned that honor. I’ll have to think of one. Oh, goddess, I’m going to put way too much thought into that.

But it’s not all just “bad apples” out here. Dr. Lexi discovered some pretty disturbing stuff. Some scans I sent her showed that a lot of our colonists are suffering chemical imbalances in the brain, which she has hypothesized may have been the result of cryo. This is no insignificant development. While there are many who will just paint the exiles with a broad stroke of a brush as the “bad apples” of our society, the truth is rarely ever that simple.

Mental illnesses demand treatment, not punishment. Tann and others like him will no doubt try to suppress this inconvenient information, so the decision to exile will look like the correct one. I won’t have it. The sick should be treated, and mistakes should be fixed. If coming to Andromeda to build a better world is means anything, we will show it through how we treat the most vulnerable members of our society.  
  


* * *

  
Finally, we followed a lead from Avitus on Ark Natanus and found some of her ejected cryo-pods. Our team has forwarded Avitus the relevant findings, and I got a call from him moments ago with coordinates for what might be the ark.

We’re on our way now, *fingers crossed* we find their Pathfinder alive, and all remaining colonists…


	13. Ark Natanus, Day 13

Avitus and our team boarded Ark Natanus and located the SAM node only to learn that Macen Barro died as the ship collided into the Scourge. Avitus was supposed to receive the SAM transfer, but Macen died before it could complete, causing the malfunction. Upon hearing the news, Avitus was unwilling to accept the role of Pathfinder. Obviously, the news about what happened to Macen had to have come as a shock to him, and they sounded close, so he was likely grief-stricken too.

Hey, I know that feeling: me, the new Pathfinder?? That while grieving, no less. It’s too much to take in without warning. I wouldn’t let him off of it easy, though. Avitus did a fine job leading the Ark survivors on Havarl, and I overheard them saying positive things about him, too. He just needed a good nudge.

It’s tough to lose Macen, but we secured the safe arrival of thousands of turian colonists. At the end of the day, those are the people we need most. No colonists, no colonies.

No home.

So now we’re just left with the salarian ark missing. We can really use their brainpower right about now. Sadly, we don’t have a single, solitary clue where the Parchero might be. I try to remain optimistic, but the fates that the Leusinia and Natanus met do not inspire much confidence. All things considered, what happened to them could have been far worse, and I fear that might turn out to be the reality for the salarians.

I hope like hell I’m wrong.  


* * *

  
That was it for Initiative business. Back on my ship, well, what can I say? I have the best squad and crewmates — they rock!

Kallo and Gil were able to work out their differences over the Tempest designs. Kallo had been looking into some improvements, but he needed Gil’s expertise to help them work it. He was initially hesitant to ask for the help, but I had his back, and it worked out. I feel a lot better now; their dispute didn’t feel quite resolved when I had to intervene.

I caught Jaal working on a special project. He was putting some gifts together for our squad. He’s really invested in being part of our team, outsiders though we are to him. He admitted to me that he’s not really as self-assured and put-together as he might look to us. I admitted that I’m not really any different, Pathfinder and all, which he appreciated me saying. Jaal’s family is full of well-respected individuals, and he’s felt intimidated at the thought of filling their shoes, but I told him that I believe he’ll do great things with us.

I also said that I enjoy his company, and he told me that the feeling is mutual. I didn’t just blurt that out unthinkingly, either. It just felt right to say it. I guess my concern for him has turned to care, and more. In retrospect, I should have seen this coming. Gods, I love Jaal. How can you not love him? He’s like a thoughtful, talking, space puppy. I mean, he has that puppy-eyes look down pat. I would actually go as far as to say I feel a kinship with the angara in general. I love that I can be so free and open with them; I feel more myself around them than with my own kind.

I often forget that SAM is always with me, including times like that. Naturally, he had questions about my “romantic attachments” when we were in my private quarters. SAM wanted to better understand organic emotional behavior. In truth, what I do is not the norm. Limiting myself to one partner like most people do is not for me. I’m too open and affectionate a person for that. Plus, I love both genders, and pretty much every species. So why should I limit myself?

Many early human “hunter and gatherer” societies were not strictly monoamorous. They were accustomed to sharing and supporting each other in all things, including relationships. Women were remarkably empowered in these societies as well. The angara already seem to have a similar model, what with shared parents and all (I should really ask and get a clearer idea from Jaal about exactly how this works).

I wonder if we (humans, at least) can get back to our roots on this here in Heleus, at least before our population stabilizes and levels out (we’re a long ways away from that). It’s not easy managing multiple relationships and it’s certainly not for everyone, but perhaps that’s another thing we can learn from the angara. By being open with each other, we can better work through emotional issues. We’re going to need babies, and lots of them, in the near future. We can grow ‘em in test-tubes, sure, but it take a village to raise a child, and multi-partner relationship can help grow our proverbial villages.

Back home, I never had more than two partners at a time. It was just the nature of my work at the time; our teams were small and the people got reassigned frequently. Oh sure, some caught my eye, I flirted, and it sometimes led to something or another (a date, a fling…) but I only really sustained a handful of relationships.

Hm. I haven’t really taken much time to think back on my past life and reflect much. It’s all been in Hyperion’s proverbial rearview mirror. I guess like Peebee, I’ve been so swept up by the now and the future too much to look back. I was asked, back on Eos, by a school teacher whether or not Milky Way history should still be taught. I didn’t even have to think that one through: of course it should -- those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it. Signing onto the mission was a foregone conclusion, given how much Dad’s work closed doors for me and Scott.

Lizbeth was the one thing that was hard to leave behind. By now, she’s long since lived her life, so it’s a strange feeling to think back on it: a mix of sorrow, resignation, wistfulness... just a lot melancholy.

Things have been different here, though. I’m seeing a lot of people regularly or semi-regularly, and there has been a lot of budding affection I’ve felt between myself and others. There’s Keri, maybe Suvi, now Jaal, and I’ve been trading flirts with Peebee routinely but I’m not sure if that’s leading anywhere. And they say three is a crowd.

I haven’t been flaunting this around, but then I haven’t been trying to keep it quiet either, nor do I plan to. If/when this part of my personal life gets out there, though, I’m sure there will be questions asked about whether or not it’s proper of me to keep multiple partners and such. And, at some point or another, I may be compelled to answer.

I couldn’t care less right now, though. I’m on cloud nine. I love the feeling of being head-over-heels for someone, and knowing they like me back - !!!!!!!!!!

But, ohhhhh yeah: Pathfinding. We’re off to Havarl next. No, Nexus. Illium?? Shit, wrong galaxy, Sara.

Don’t care! I’m in love!! <3333333333


	14. Aya, Day 15

We made a stop on Aya, as I had a lot of business that I’d saved for later. I’ll take any excuse to go to Aya, though.

Our embassy on the planet is open, and I spoke to our ambassador there. She needed my help with a few things. We had to figure out a way to respect the angara’s system of living arrangements on Aya, and she had me talk a few angara into agreeing to live on the Nexus. Rialla seems to be doing a fine job and has the right ideas. In fact, she was brought out of cryo specifically for this reason. In truth, I’d almost forgotten that there are still lots of people still in cryo, getting released to this new galaxy with marching-orders waiting for them. Imagine the wakeup call Rialla got. I also couldn’t help but wonder if Pathfinder Ishara might have fulfilled this role or something like it, given her political background, but I guess it's pointless to dwell on what could have been. Rialla should prove to be a fine ambassador in time.

I collected some messages from around Aya that were intended for us Milky Way species: some hopeful and optimistic, others much less so. I sent them to the Nexus, unedited. I had the power to rewrite but thought that would be counterproductive. Our people should have a realistic understanding of what the angara think of us, and I trust that we will do our best to work with them.

I could get lost at the repository of history. Their exhibits are pretty fascinating. So many ancient artifacts and rich, cultural history accounts. They have even logged first-contact with us and the Tempest there, too, which is kinda awesome. Oh, and I met up with Peebee there, who was drunk of her ass. Angaran alcoholic drinks take time to kick in, but they seem to mess you up pretty good once they do, noted for future reference.

I met up with a few people and took some time to talk with them. Efvra and I have already been acquainted a few times, but I wanted to try and get to know him a bit better. Efvra has seen the brutality of the kett since an early age, and you can tell the war has made him into the person he is today. That strength really rubs off on the rest of his men in the resistance, though. He’s not the chatty type, but I appreciate what he is to the angara.

I also had an opportunity to really talk with Moshae Sjefa 1-on-1 for the first time since we rescued her. Aksuul was there, too, when I walked in. Truth told, that meeting between the three of us all but slipped my mind, even though I was told to expect him. After speaking with the man himself, it's clear he's determined to be a thorn in our side. Even the Moshae (who once adored him as a student) was disturbed by his hate.

But back to Moshae Sjefa. The more I get to know about her, the more impressed I grow. She’s a very smart and wise person, yet also quite shrewd. She understands the sway she holds with her title, and though she was unwilling to accept that title at first, she is committed to making the most of it.

What does it say about angaran society that perhaps their most famous celebrity is a renowned intellectual like herself? To me, it’s really wonderful, something that I think we should all try to emulate. Being talented in art is great too, but there is a tendency to elevate people based on superficial reasons in human society — looks, likeability, all that. An appreciation for one’s mind is a great thing.

Liam also wanted me for some “time off” sort of thing, but then asked that I run some weird errand. That did not go well, so he scrapped the plan. Back on the ship, he finally told me what’s up. He tried to get the help of an agaran female, but entrusted compromising data of our ship and the Nexus to her. Now she’s in the hands of pirates that want to kill her. Oh, Liam.

He asked that we stage a rescue, not that we really have much choice in the matter. You’d think that would be my immediate and utmost priority right now. Nope! I got a call from Bradley, and he’s worried about an incoming attack, which (from what I pieced together) has Aksuul’s fingerprints all over it. So our team is making an emergency run for Eos first.


	15. Eos, Dat 16

We had one hell of a battle with the Roekaar on Prodromos. Bradley sent me to check out a remote location on the colony where there was some suspicious activity. We found Roekaar and cleared the area out. Our findings confirmed that the Roekaar were gearing up to launch an offensive. Some quick thinking on the part of Bradley and my team led us to use their comms against them. We sent them to one of the old sites rather than the location they were aiming to hit. Heh, Akksul was NOT happy about that!

So we got to Site 2 and sat in wait before the Roekaar raiders staged their attack. Nothing does the trick against dropships quite like a well-placed singularity. In some instances, those fights are over before they ever really begin. This battle entailed multiple such dropships landing on us at once, though.

That was easily our most hectic shootout yet. The enemy was everywhere. There was little time to really think and plan out plans-of-attack in the heat of the battle; you just had to attend to the threat in front of your eyes and react quickly: lots of errant shooting (though I remained fairly accurate) and snap-decision attacks with my omnitool and biotics. You get paranoid as you feel shots hit your shield/armorsuit and can’t spot the attacker, taking cover in a hurry and hoping you’re out of their line-of-sight. I lost my shields several times and took a few hits. Shots through the armor always hurt like hell, and I had more of those this time than any that I can remember, but thankfully, it was nothing more severe than what medigel can fix.

But we held, and we repelled the invasion from those who would crush the colony.

No doubt this incident will cause for some to question the focus of Prodromos on science over military. Hostile invasions were not something I didn’t consider when making this decision, I just felt it was more important that we hope for the best there while being proactive towards the challenges that we face in Heleus. Events like this, where we beat back an invasion with a small squad of elites, is what I expect will have to be the norm for the time being. It’s not an ideal situation, but this undertaking requires that we try to offset odds stacked against us with innovation and ingenuity, “doing more with less” as they say.

So, even in the face of this fight, I stand firmly behind my decision. Those who hold otherwise have a point, but I truly believe that this is the best for the long-term. Advancement through military is a dead end. What happens when you have no enemies to fight? You create them; a vicious cycle is created as your civilization rots in its own roots.

That gets me to a sudden realization I had: what if this was why Dad put me in charge? Cora is a career soldier, and it’s fair to believe that she would have led our part of the Initiative in a pretty different direction. She did favor going military with the new colony on Eos, for example. Anyone who knows me, though, knows that I was going to make the choice I did 11 times out of 10.

Dad wasn’t around much, but he knew enough to know what I’m about. I’m a science geek, to my core. So maybe his decision was not about me or her, but the direction of the Initiative: one of a techno-progressive over that of a military-conservative (to make an unsafe assumption of Cora’s views).

And that explanation, true or not, is all kinds of awesome to imagine. :-)

Speaking of awesome: my sword! It’s asari make. I got one from the Leusinia, but kept forgetting to equip it until our last few missions. It’s sturdy, and packs one hell of a punch. It also has some strange affinity with my biotics that allows me to rush forward while swinging. My squadmates tell me that I appear to “teleport” while doing so. I ought to study the physics of this phenomenon, maybe Suvi can help with that (distracting though she is), and perhaps see if I can use my biotics to replicate the effect independent of the blade.  


* * *

  
With the Roekaar business settled, I settled a few other nondescript matters on Prodromos, and now we’re back on the Tempest, en route to a location Liam gave us for some pirate gang. It’s all pretty quiet on this ship, aside from me having a tryst with Peebee in her pod.

… what??

Damn, I know we’d been flirting, but I honestly did not see that coming. We were just enjoying the zee-gee features of her escape pod together (how she likes to de-stress) on SAM’s suggestion. A few minutes later, I’m in her suit.

Gods, I know that’s really unprofessional. Peebee already takes this less seriously than even I am comfortable with, and now she has the image of my pussy in her head. ‘Like she wasn’t hard to keep focused already…

… But boy, did it feel good to float weightlessly and cum furiously!! I’m definitely feeling a lot more relaxed than I was a few hours ago. In truth, knowing I acted inappropriately just makes it more exhilarating. Ah jeez, I’m a terrible boss (there’s a reason Cora was first in line to succeed Dad).

I just can’t bring myself to feel guilty or ashamed. We’re both responsible adults having fun. And I trust Peebee (famous last words right there) not to get melodramatic with me. “No strings.” I wouldn’t have minded getting closer to her, but she probably would have minded. Truth told, I like what we have between us. We talk about our discoveries with Rem-tech, trade flirts, and we (apparently) fuck when the mood strikes.

What’s done is done, so I may as well bask in the euphoric afterglow and enjoy the looseness of my body right now before we gear up for another shootout.

So unprofessional, but I needed that.

We’re off to Liam’s mission…


	16. Sephesa System, Day 18

So, as I was saying before, Liam screwed the pooch. He gave sensitive data to an angara who was since kidnapped, then she was abducted by pirates, so we had to stage a rescue … and then we found ourselves on a kett ship. =/

Well, it wasn’t really the kett. It was pirates, but operating out of a kett flagship. Their captain nearly spaced us, but that’s when Bradley swooped in and saved our asses. I guess we’re even now. One of the Eos engineers fried its shield and turned the ship on its side. Ugh, my poor head; I’m only starting to recover from the dizziness. I tried to trick myself into thinking the orientation was normal, but that didn’t work.

Long story short: we cleared out the ship, took out their leader, secured our contact and the remaining victims. This mission was a pain in the ass, but the goodwill we got out of Verand (and her people by extension) could benefit us sometime down the line. The Initiative and our ship are safe from a nasty security-breach as well.

Oh, Liam…

I didn’t see a point in losing my temper with him. What happened happened, and he was just trying to do some good out here. I admire that. He also seems happy that we were able to turn a bad situation into a (sorta) positive, and I’m happy when he’s happy, because he can be a real putz when he’s not. That’s sort of my main problem with him. Babysitting is the least fun part of my job. Liam has a lot of energy, which can make him a real annoyance when it’s not channeled constructively.

My hope is that I pacified him with this mission rather than encouraged more “extracurricular.”

That’s about all I’ve got for today. In other news, I’ve been experimenting with my weapon loadout and mixing things up a bit in combat. I’d been using a scope on my Carnifex for some time, and that has made me consider branching out. I had a Vanquisher sniper-rifle equipped on this one. I’ve never been one for rifles, and the feel is a bit clunky yet. That said, I was noticeably more effective taking out targets than I was with my hand-cannon.

Anyway, I wanted to make another stop on Havarl. There were some intriguing leads on the Remnant there that I had to put on hold, but would like to revisit now. So, Havarl it is…


	17. Havarl, Day 19

Back in Havarl, we ventured through the angaran sages’ temple. To find the planet’s missing vault, we had find an ancient heirloom buried inside another Remnant structure. Its rightful inheritor, however, is a Roekaar chief.

We recovered the artifact from the Remnant and then fought through Roekaar on the way to one of their outposts to confront the chief. He was predictably defiant, but we had him cornered and he acquiesced to our request that he wear the gauntlet. Shortly after doing so, he recovered the memories of the previous angaran owner of the gauntlet and located the vault for us.

With the vault back online, Havarl’s malignant vegetation is reverting back to a more normal state.

The highlight of our trip has to be the angaran artifact working the way it did. The sages attribute the phenomenon to reincarnation. I would posit that the mechanics of it are rooted in epigenetics: memories stored within/passed through DNA.

But then I’ve always been moved by the spiritual concept of reincarnation, or the “wheel-of-life” as the salarians refer to it. It’s actually true from a certain perspective: after our body goes, our organic matter will decompose and be consumed by the galaxy’s flora and fauna. So, in a sense, that does happen, but “I” then move on to become part of a shrubbery, and/or a varren, and/or a microbe, and/or a batarian, on and on and on…

It only really gets wacky when you try to fit the deceased’s soul/spirit (“consciousness”) into the equation — if such a thing is an entity distinct from the body anyway. I find that hard to believe, but I do like the idea that — hand-in-hand with our body matter being consumed after we die — part of our consciousness “lives on” in the next generation of life (and the next, and the next…), maybe even guiding them along in a way we cannot observe.  
  


* * *

  
The Remnant’s creators are a source of endless mystery, but one question that has been on my mind a lot lately is the thought-process behind what they left us with. I mean, really: what were they thinking?? It’s strange to me that their consoles require SAM for me to make sense of. Was all this not intended for organic use? Or were the Remnant’s creators more advanced forms of life?

I would love to believe that hybrid beings like myself with SAM were what they had in mind when they designed this, that just seems all too convenient. The whole thing seem that way, though. We are similarly lucky enough to have had the technology to make use of their relics: jump-jets, kinetic-barriers, artificial-intelligence, etc.

We are also lucky that they have withstood the tests of Mother Nature and Father Time, if only barely. I had to scan through ice for one glyph, or use nearby terrain to reach a platform to get another. I don’t like it. The luckier we get, the more I’m worried about our luck running out (and at the worst possible time).

But hey, if that does happen, maybe Peebee’s Remnant scanner will save the day!? We did just give it an upgrade. Stuff like that is the reason why I’ve put hitting the Archon directly on-hold, but I sense the time is fast approaching when we will have to launch that mission.

Truthfully, I feel a sense of dread over that one. Without consciously realizing it, maybe I have been delaying it for that reason. I just can’t help but feel like that mission is going to go pretty sideways, like Liam's mission (pun intended), but messier. Who knows what horrors lurk behind their leader's flagship? It's a ship, not a science lab, but it's bound to have some high-level information that will fuel a month's worth of nightmares. I'm scared. As Pathfinder, I have to put on a brave face and inspire confidence from those around me, but I just can't shake this bad feeling in my gut.

That Roekaar chief gave up hate and has been cooperating with the rest of his people again. That was another feel-good moment for me. It’s unfortunate that we have encountered xenophobia in this galaxy, but then I also recognize that if the tables were turned (the angara entering our galaxy), they would face the same sort of attitudes from us. There may be some idiots on our side who will reason that we are superior and that the angara need to be subservient to us in *this* galaxy.

I am just glad he was rational enough to work with for the greater purpose of finding the vault. He may have been our only chance to save Havarl. Imagine if he refused: a racist attitude would have been the death-knell for a whole planet -!!!

It really puts into perspective just how damaging hate can be.

I could see how, in extreme circumstances, that hate and the damage it does serves a necessary purpose. Look at our conflict with the kett. Hate helps fuel the fight against that very real threat.

Then again, what if an alternative arises where the kett could be pacificed or otherwise rendered a non-threat? While I pretty much hate the kett, I have just enough mercy and compassion left in me that I would consider alternatives. Hate, in its utmost form, is poison to reason and rationality.

Drack is a monster on the battlefield. I’ve seen many krogan fight, but none as dominant as Drack.

He’d have to be my choice for squad MVP in combat. After him, I’d have to go with Cora. She doesn’t shrug off Hyrda missiles like Drack, but her biotics are as-advertised. Shield-boost is also a lifesaver (literally). Those two also help take attention off of me with their aggressive, close-quarters style, slugging it out in the mud so I don’t have to. I like to sit back and use my tech and biotics to pick the enemy apart strategically/methodically.

Competition for third place is pretty intense. All of Jaal, Vetra, Peebee, and Liam have their moments and useful tricks. Peebee’s biotics are nice to have with mine. Liam also has that aggressive, scrapper style that helps keep me clean. Jaal does similar things, but can also pick them off with his rifle from afar -- very versatile. Vetra is easily the most weapon-focused combatant on our team. Her machinegun gives provides us plenty of cover, and she can set off some of our detonation primers with the concussive-shot. There’s no clear standout among this group; it’s pretty much a four-way tie.

I have a lot of business to do in Kadara; I’ll be carrying a lot of firepower into any “negotiations” I engage in.


	18. Kadara, Day 20

Kadara’s never boring, I’ll give it that.

Our team got that vault back online. There was some sort of a data treasure-trove buried inside that our team was able to extract. We’re still going over our findings from it, but it contained an astronomical amount of Remnant code.

I cleared the name of a one Sanjiv Clement. You can definitely see the shades of grey in this one. On one hand, the exiles acted barbarically, killing this poor man senselessly. On the other, Tann was happy to call the victim one of the traitors simply because he fled the Nexus.

It goes back to what I’ve been feeling from the beginning: we can’t let whatever challenges/hardships arise cause us to do things the wrong way. I’m glad I could clear Sanjiv’s name, but I shouldn’t have had to. We really need better leadership on the Nexus.

Reyes had an assignment for me, investigating some murders around Kadara. He suspected Roekaar, and his hunch was right. Together we took down the group responsible for the deaths. I was happy to extract justice for the victims. And, I flirted with Reyes at the end of it, because of course I would.

I was pretty sure I was going to end up doing that eventually. He’s dashing, and roguish but with (apparently) a good heart, which is an incredibly irresistible combination. It’s that old dichotomy of the nice guys versus the bad boyz (‘z’ to emphasize edginess), but honestly, I’ve always been annoyed by that whole discussion. Danger and roguishness can be sexy, yes, but only an idiot centers their whole attraction to men (or women, as the case may be) around that. It’s nice to have a “healthy mix” of both qualities.

Take Reyes, a misfit who runs with smugglers on Kadara, but he also helped me free the prisoner and got to the bottom of a Roekaar plot. That’s a good mix. Then you have someone like Jaal, who is mostly a sweetheart, but then you see a little of his dark side when he’s out fighting kett. It’s really badass with a heart of gold vs. nice guy with a dark side. I’m not sure which archetype I prefer, but both are greatly attractive to me.

We met at the bar thereafter and got some information on cargo he’s tracking. He says it’s valuable, but left out that his ex- was after it, too. Reyes told me he’d consult his contacts before we look into it. I’m not sure what to make of it yet.

I also had the pleasure of meeting my anti-AI benefactors who freed me from my SAM connection (but not really). A team led by a woman called “Knight” out in the middle of the badlands. She had a bad experience with AI while working for Cerberus. I feel for her, but her ideas are still short-sighted, foolhardy, and must be stopped. Without knowing the details, I think she should probably be more upset with Cerberus than the AI that harmed her son. I had my share of run-ins with those guys as an Alliance researcher; they are as malicious as they are incompetent. Cerberus is the butt of all jokes when you’re Alliance.

According to her son, Knight has big plans, but he would not divulge information. We tried to investigate her facility covertly, but AI sensors would risk giving us away. I have to play this right; we have no idea what the size/scope of Knight’s operation might be and it’s critical that we get to the bottom of it. SAM had an idea for a cybernetic device that would pretty much cure the ailments he has been suffering. I ordered its development and procurement back on the ship. I’m hoping that by delivering it to him, we can win his trust, enough for him to give us more details on his mother’s plan. Oh yeah, and it’s kind of the right thing to do, regardless.

I’ve said before and will say again, the sights on Kadara are beautiful, toxicity and all. So much life all around. As we traverse through the badlands, I try to drive such that we do not provoke the wildlife, and generally avoid anything that would force us to kill them as much as possible.

I also had rare access to Kadara’s leadership today. I met up with Sloane again and cleared the air, or tried to, but before that I chatted with Kaetus a bit, or… tried to. Yeah, he’s pretty tight-lipped — ‘makes Sloane look chatty. He was a Natanus colonist, not a Nexus defector, who knows of Avitus and is basically Sloane’s 2IC. That was all I got out of him. He actually reached out to me first to let me in on a kett problem he’d identified. I’ve agreed to look into that. Later.

Then I had an audience with Her Highness. She’s no open book, but was marginally more talkative with me than I would have expected. A part of me admires the resilience in her to survive and even thrive in a new galaxy with minimal supplies the way she did. Surprisingly, beneath that hard outer shell beats the heart of an idealistic dreamer. She signed onto the Initiative in hopes of building a new, better society.

Her reason for switching sides was (stop me if you’ve heard this one before) Tann being an asshole. She felt she could quash the uprising in a peaceful way, but Tann unleashed the krogan to put them down. That caused her to defect. She said that not all exiles are bad apples, but that some have just “had enough” and that she’s sick of serving assholes. Again, I cannot even imagine how difficult life was on the Nexus before we arrived. Hell, it felt like a dire situation even after our Ark docked and provided power to swaths of the station.

Her faith in the mission broken, Sloane only trusts herself to make change the way it should be. I empathize, but Kadara does not inspire confidence the least. Is cutting off the fingers of her prisoners part of the better new society she envisions? The colony is not as bad as Tann might portray it, but it’s still quite the shitshow.

I don’t get it, though. Why tell me all that? I’m Nexus, spurned her offer when we met, and she told me earlier that I’m suspect #1 in Venn Terev’s jailbreak (which, in fairness, she is right about). She has good reason not to trust me; I’m not even rightly sure why she allows our ship to dock. Maybe we’re good for business? Or, maybe she’s waiting for the right chance to strike. Shit, I didn’t even consider that. I’ll have to review our security protocols regarding ship safety. But what she told me felt like something she had been wanting to tell somebody for a while. I *am* a representative of the Nexus, after all, and people with frustrations need to be listened to, or they start acting up (which I realize is an unusual way to describe the exile situation).

Whatever the case, it was just weird — definitely not something I was expecting to happen when I woke up today.  
  


* * *

  
As newcomers to this galaxy, I expected we’d be pretty in-over-our-heads against any hostile forces, but the Roekaar are pretty underwhelming. They have the usual conventional weapons, some ability to manipulate static electrical charges in ways that are no more lethal than any of my omnitool tech attacks, and that’s about it. They have not adjusted their tactics to neutralize biotics like me, Cora, and Peebee whatsoever. At least, if they have, it hasn’t made any difference.

It’s an old sci-fi trope for fictitious alien invaders having high-tech or even magical abilities that terrorize the native populations, but that’s quite literally us. Thankfully, the natives we’re killing are mostly just assholes and we have a working alliance with most of their people, but still: we have great power, and with it, a responsibility to use it the right way.

Suvi caught me staring off into the starry expanse on the bridge earlier. It truly makes you feel small when you imagine all the other planets, systems, galaxies out there and other forms of life. We’ve only just breached intergalactic boundaries. There’s still so much out there to discover and explore. It’s equal parts frightening, mystifying, and exciting.

For my part, it’s humbling to have the opportunity to be one of the first to pioneer Andromeda. A certain someone commended me for always seeing the bigger picture, easy though it is to lose sight of it as we go on.

Thanks, Dad.


	19. Nexus, Day 22

It had been a while since I made a stop on the Nexus, so I paid the station a visit just a little while ago.

Keri had another interview slot for me. She wanted my take on Kadara, and I told her that there are some decent people out there, and that I hope we can work something out with them. Of all the controversial takes I’ve made for her documentary, that one probably tops the list. Hey, she wanted the unfiltered truth, and what I said is plenty true for anyone willing to go see for themselves.

I was left to decide the fate of Nilken Rensus after our team gathered and examined all the evidence we found from Eos. Nliken did not kill the chief, though he meant to. Since I re-opened the case, it fell on me to resolve it.

And my verdict was: not guilty — mainly because he was *not* guilty of the charges brought against him, and I do not want to see our justice system get lazy with deciding people’s fate. In truth, calling it a “mistrial” would probably be the most accurate description. Officials like Tann worried that overturning his sentence would undermine public faith in our courts, but I would hold that sloppy work like this would destroy confidence even more if/when the truth comes out (and truth has a way of doing that).

Another important factor in my decision, though, was Nilken himself. He did what he did out of desperation. Survival has a way of bringing out the worst in people, and the situation on Eos was dire. The ghosts of the holocaust that took place there are still palpable, as my squadmates remark every time we visit. In speaking with Nilken, I did not get a bad feeling from him. A bit of a liar, maybe, but not a deranged killer/menace to society. In all honesty, I may have stood on his guilty verdict if I felt he was a danger to others, but I don’t think he is. So Nilken is a free man now.

For a guy who didn’t want his role, Avitus has settled into it surprisingly quickly. As I thought, he just needed a little nudge. Tann sounded a little intimidated by his Spectre background — even better. I asked him how things are going. Avitus said that being a Spectre was easier, but that being Pathfinder is more rewarding. He has also been assigned to therapy sessions, but not been attending them. I offered to lend him my ear, but he said he is happy working through things with his SAM. Anyways, I believe in him; I think he’ll make a great Pathfinder.

Back in SAM node, I saw a memory of Dad’s start with the Initiative. He never told us much about how it came to his attention, and never mentioned anything quite like what I saw. He was contacted by a shadowy figure calling itself “The Benefactor,” who knew about Mom’s condition and offered him a way to complete SAM. It ended before any real details came out.

I asked Tann if he knew anything. He sounded convinced of the official story, a bit unnerved I was suggesting there may have been other parties involved,  and he asked that I not do anything that might challenge the narrative (typical).

Dad said he had been keeping secrets from us, and that he hoped we would understand. This is some pretty shady stuff. I’m more than a little worried where it’s heading.

My other Nexus business was pretty nondescript.  
  


* * *

  
Jaal and I have something special between us. We just click. He sent me this really sweet message the other day that put a smile on my face, and still does when I think about it. I’m not real sure where this is going, all I know is that I enjoy every moment of his company. At first, it was fascination with the alien species, but now it’s evolved into a very much “human” connection.

It’s incredible to imagine two sentient, sapient beings who were once living lightyears apart from each other could meet, make fast friends, and even fall in love. It’s not just me. There was also that krogan I met on Elaaden who befriended an angara (haven’t tracked her down just yet).

Now that I think about it, we were also actual time years apart as well. Jaal was born generations after I was, cryo just put my life on hold a few hundred years to make this relationship possible. Huh, I guess I now realize how the asari feel around younger races like us humans, turians, and salarians.

Still, there’s something really romantic about two hearts uniting across galactic space and finding love, as I have been witnessing (maybe even experiencing firsthand).

I guess it’s that same romantic thinking that brought me here in the first place.  
  


* * *

 

I have some business at our colony worlds here and there, but nothing pressing. *sigh* … I think the time has come to take the fight to the Archon. I feel stoic about it as I’m writing this, but as we get closer, I think the gravity of the situation will set in.

‘TIl then, here goes nothing …


	20. Verakan (Archon’s Flagship)/Ark Parchero, Day 23

Well, I was right to dread this mission: it killed me.

Yep. ‘Walked right into an immobilization-field, and the only way out was for SAM to hit restart (so to speak).

Dying from exposure on Habitat 7 was a lot of horrible, painful choking before I blacked out. ‘Not sure if I died at that moment or just passed out, but it was really unpleasant. SAM was a lot less painful, though still uncomfortable. I felt my body numb itself to minimize the trauma as I started to go, but it still hits pretty hard (just thinking about it makes me feel light-headed).

Waking up was just as bad as it was the first time, though. You come back feeling all that trauma your body was wracked with while you were dying but could not fully experience as it was happening. I felt that sickish feeling for a good 24 hours or so before it came to pass the first time, which means I’m probably a good 15 hours away from fully recovering yet.

And that was just one of the horrors that the Archon’s thrice-damned ship had in store for us.   
  


* * *

  
When we arrived, we noticed Ark Parchero tethered to the ship. The kett seemed to start with key personnel and killed them off. Thankfully, the salarians were up to their signature trickery and employed decoys, so the kett did not get their hands on the Pathfinder or their captain. The Ark surrendered on contact with the kett, in hopes that they’d live to fight another day.

Raeka regretted that decision, but none of us had any way of knowing what was in store for us, so it may have been best to err on the side of caution than charge headlong into battle with an unknown. The salarians probably would have gotten decimated if they had tried, and it worked out in the end — another Initiative team found and liberated them. Nobody likes the idea of submitting to an enemy rather than fighting, but sometimes that is the most rational course of action. I’d argue that was the case here.

Raeka set out to free the Ark as we headed into the ship to locate the map to Meridian, but she ended up following us into the ship with a small, ragtag squad of her people to liberate those who were abducted by the kett. As we pushed ahead, we found that the Archon had his ship’s batteries ominously pointed at the Ark, but Raeka had an EMP specialist on her side who was able to figure out a way to disable the guns while we distracted the kett. That worked to perfection later in the mission. Ark Parchero found its way back to the Nexus, thank the goddess.

The inside of the ship was like a maze. There was a room somewhere in the middle of it where we clashed with kett. It was like an arena, and they even had dropship support — hell of a shootout. Raeka’s team joined up with us in the middle of it, which helped take a lot of pressure off of us; the kett pretty much had us pinned.

( *As an aside, it’s greatly satisfying to rain Hurricane SMG fire down on an “Anointed” — taste of your own medicine, doctor. >=D )

I did not expect his ship to have the extensive scientific research utility that we discovered. Our ship has a lab of sorts, too, so it didn’t completely surprise me; I just underestimated how much the kett would dedicate to it in the way of resources. What we saw there was not the science that I know and love, though, but the grossest perversions of it: death, torture, live experimentation, forcibly-induced mutation (“exaltation”).

They seem to have figured out how to exalt the krogan. We actually had to fight through one such subject — that thing was a blasted juggernaut. We briefly witnessed a salarian being tortured as well, and found a lot of their corpses. No doubt the kett are working on exalting them, too.

We also saw a large arachnid that resembled the one on Habitat 7 which we found in some sort of containment shield. It seems no creature is safe from those bastards. We even uncovered audio of their interrogation of the Moshae, which was nothing short of sickening. At least we can be glad she’s home safe now, I guess, and not irreversibly damaged by the experience (what incredible resilience).

When my squad and I were trapped, we actually came face-to-face with the Archon himself. He injected me with something that thankfully was not an exalting agent. SAM worked to counteract it, but the Archon somehow managed to read my past memories through the implant, which is creepy to say the least. We spoke again later after breaking into his private quarters, where we did find the map. He said Meridian is capable of so many things beyond terraforming, and that he would not see us waste its potential. All I heard was more reason to keep it out of kett hands. He’s a monster, and can’t die fast enough.

Since breaking into their base on Voeld, I’ve hated the kett from a theoretical standpoint, but I think this mission really made it personal: abuses of science, records of the Moshae’s torture, an encounter with the ringleader himself, his violation of my bodily sovereignty, even a near-death experience. I still stand by what I said in previous entries — that I’ll be rational about how I handle the kett problem if alternatives arise — but until then? They can all get fucked, … and I will see to their fucking personally. (That went somewhere nasty, didn’t it? meh, don’t care).

Raeka did a hell of a job rallying her people around her, including one colonist who was a teacher and had never fired a gun before. You could plainly see what makes her one of the best her people have to offer. Later, she tried to save the rest of her people, but was pinned against more resistance than she could possibly handle. She gave me her farewell. I had the option of saving her, yet doing so would have doomed Drack’s krogan scouts to their fate with the kett.

But after Dad, Macen, and Ishara, I wasn’t losing another Pathfinder, especially not after seeing Raeka work firsthand. So our squad came to her aid at the expense of the krogan. That decision didn’t go over well with Drack back on the ship; we butted heads over it (har har). I feel for Drack and felt horrible about leaving his scouts behind, but they knew the risks when they signed on to work for him. In this case, we had a Pathfinder’s life on the line (we also saved additional salarian colonists along the way, so it came out to roughly the same number of lives).

I stand firmly behind that decision. Not only was saving the Pathfinder good for morale broadly, but practical, given how much she brings to the table. If the krogan view this as some sort of a statement about one race’s worth/value over another, it’s their folly, because this had nothing to do with that. About an equal number of lives were saved as were lost, and the salarians we rescued were mainly civilian, whereas those krogan were quasi-military and none was of Raeka’s caliber.

But I shouldn’t kid myself, because at the time of the decision, I was not really thinking about saving the salarian civilians. In that moment, it was really about who I wanted more between the krogan scouts and Pathfinder Raeka, and I valued her more highly than them.

I’ve always believed that we are all equal beings. The Sara that woke up from cryo probably would have chosen the path of saving the most lives. That was before we lost three Pathfinders, though.

I hate to say it, but would Drack’s scouts have figured out how to tame Habitat 7’s atmosphere and help get us off-planet? I doubt it.  Would they have been able to lead a time through the Archon’s ship and disabled the guns to save an Ark? In fairness, I could actually see that: krogan are quite good with demolition and fighting kett. Those were scouts, though, not a demolitions team or organized combat unit. So I don’t actually know what I had in those krogan. I do know what I have in Raeka, and that’s a damn good Pathfinder.

Shit, is it right to look at lives that way — for their utility, rather than as an asset in and of itself, no more/less valuable than the next? That seems so cold and cynical, but it was how I made my decision. In truth, while my idealism has always been easily apparent, I’ve always been quite prudent as well. Science presents a lot of moral dilemmas. The ends do not always justify the means, but they can. This I have always believed. Still, that kind of calculation is new to me, I never knew I had it inside and am not sure how I feel about it.

Or, maybe this is all just “survivor guilt” for Dad’s death coming back to influence my decision in a way I wasn’t conscious of at the time. I said in my first entry that, realistically, Dad’s survival would have been better for the Initiative than mine. Up to this point, I’ve largely been riding his coattails, just applying our findings from Habitat 7 to almost every situation since. I’ve done other things right, sure, but nothing Dad couldn’t have done as well or better. So I guess maybe a part of me is still regretting it, and saw saving Raeka as a way to make it right.

I wonder if I make the same decision if we hadn’t already lost the other two Pathfinders, or if they were still officially MIA and we still had hope for finding them. In those circumstances, I probably rule differently, but there really was an element of my decision beyond cold pragmatism. Some instinct deep within was screaming for me to save the last Pathfinder’s life. Avitus, Vederia, and myself have all been managing fine; there’s no reason to believe the salarians would not have replaced her with someone else capable. Yet for some reason clearly not rational, I felt as though Raeka was a critical asset that the Initiative just could not afford to lose.

What’s done is done now, and maybe time will validate whatever thinking made my decision. To date, it’s the single hardest decision I’ve had to make as Pathfinder, and there have been many difficult ones.

Meridian has been located. Our findings will be discussed with the rest of Nexus leadership. I have to run. Kallo is pulling the Tempest to port right now.

This last mission definitely tested what Team Tempest is made of. We will bear scars to remember this one, but the Archon and his minions better believe we came out stronger for it.


	21. Nexus, Day 24

I shared our findings with Nexus leadership, and in response, they promptly stonewalled our operation.

-.-

It does not really shock me from Tann or even Addison, but Kesh and Kandros really let me down. I thought they got it, or at least trusted that I do the right thing.

When I walked in, Tann was gloating a bit at my decision to save Raeka (and, by extension, additional salarian survivors) back on the Archon’s ship, with Kesh lamenting the death of the krogan. UGH!! I can see already that this decision is doomed to be forever misunderstood as “Pathfinder saved the salarians, sacrificed the krogan!” It had NOTHING to do with race!!!

If the krogan had a Pathfinder, that likely would have changed things in a big way. Do they have a legitimate complaint over not getting one? Yes, but it doesn’t follow that we should kill off the existing Pathfinders to make things fair.

Tann’s smug satisfaction kinda makes me wish I made the opposite choice. (I don’t mean that)

I wonder how much of Kesh agreeing to the rest of the leadership’s decision has to do with leaving those scouts behind. She sounded sincere in her concerns with SAM. The others worried about inciting all-out war with the kett, to which I pointed out that said war is coming whether they like it or not. I thought that was as good as a rhetorical “checkmate” but they wouldn’t have it. Realistically, nobody does a 180 of beliefs on the spot. Maybe they have a point: we might be poking a bear by going forward with this, and we do not have the means to confront the kett militarily.

Still, after all the benefits we have derived from Remnant technology towards making Heleus livable, I just feel so flabbergasted that they would deny us the authority to pursue further. Do they have any better ideas to fix up our “golden worlds?” Meridian could be capable of anything; letting the Archon take control of it could doom us even worse than going to war with them kett.

This all actually kind of reminds me of that argument between Dad and Captain Dunn about Habitat 7. Dunn didn’t want to risk the safety of our Ark or its colonists, while Dad felt we were living on borrowed time until and unless we had a golden world to bring them home to. Cora was there, too, and sympathized with Dunn, but I felt more inclined to agree with Dad back then as well. I’ve never really stopped to ask myself what Dad would do in my place, strangely enough, but I have no doubt we’d be in agreement again on this one. It’s Habitat 7 all over again (hopefully this doesn’t end with my death -- I’ve already been there twice now).

As I was dealing with the frustration and uncertainty that the Nexus leadership’s decision left me with, SAM had an unrelated update for me:

Scott was up!

I went to the cryo-bay straightaway while the other Pathfinders got together in the labs to plan our next step. I headed into the med-bay, super excited, forgetting that I lied to him about Dad and that he’d quickly find out the truth. He was upset, and called me out on lying to him as soon as I could say hello. I was honest; I did not want to hurt him given the state his body was in. That didn’t make things better, of course, but we were able to move past that and catch up.

Scott is itching to get in on the action, but to his chagrin, Harry says he still needs time to recover. I got him up to speed on my Pathfinder adventures, what (really) happened with Dad, and our progress finding a home in Heleus. We also reflected a bit on the life we left behind to get here, plus Mom and Dad, who I guess are now together. Scott is my only family left now. It was tough to leave him behind and explore this new galaxy without him, but I feel much better now knowing he looks to make a full recovery, and will hopefully join up with the rest of us soon. I needed that.

Back in the labs, Team Pathfinder hatched a plan to get in and out of Meridian with the data we need. The Tempest has integrated what we’re calling “Ghost Storm” tech to get past their armada undetected while Pathfinder Raeka’s team draws attention away. As for Tann’s directive: well, fuck it. Whatever secrets Meridian holds is better off in our hands than in the Archon’s.  
  


* * *

  
I took the opportunity to chat with Raeka a bit, one-on-one. She told me about her background, where she was groomed for politics, but instead pursued science. In her science career, she helped develop the technology to save her dying home planet, which was becoming increasingly uninhabitable due to issues with vegetation.

… I mean, are you shitting me?? That’s the kind of expertise we need right now!!!

Aside from that, she is revered by her people and is a leader who commands respect, as I witnessed in our work together back on Verakan. I wouldn’t say that what I learned from our conversation alone validates my decision to sacrifice the krogan scouting team for her individually, but hell if it doesn’t build my case for it. Gosh, I’m already beginning to imagine all the ways that her experience could help us.

Also according to Raeka, Captain Hayjer (who assisted Raeka through the mission) would have been next in line to inherit Pathfinder duties. She said he’s a bright individual and would make a fine Pathfinder. I believe her. Given the choice between the two of them? Well, I much rather have Raeka with Hayjer as an understudy than throw an untrained Hayjer to the wolves.

Initiative records show that Hayjer was a career pilot, so Pathfinder would have been a pretty dramatic departure from his past experience. While experience isn’t everything in this role, Raeka just fits with the general direction I have been going with our part of the Initiative. Besides, while the lack of veteran experience/leadership in Pathfinder Hall has not hurt us, I can only imagine how much stronger we will be with Raeka providing exactly that.

I’ll never be satisfied with the decision to save her, given the cost (and the apparent misunderstanding it seems doomed to suffer), but I am committed to making the best of what did go right and accept all the consequences. Vederia commented on Raeka’s addition, expressing admiration of her, and a little bit of intimidation in calling her a colleague. See, I think that challenge makes us better.  
  


* * *

  
I called a meeting back on the Tempest to go over our plan. We’ve really come a long way from those first couple awkward team meetings, which were often unfocused and consisted of no small amount of bickering between team members. We’re no longer questioning each other; we’re finding ways to make things work. This team has been through a lot together. Not only is there a strong sense of cohesion between teammates, there’s also confidence in each other now that we’ve made some pretty impressive achievements out in the field.

Everyone’s in high spirits, and it’s amazing to see.

Vetra told me about a special lamp she was trying to track down that symbolized conquering her past. It was pretty touching, and inspiring, as she told me that people were “daring to dream” now. Vetra is a tough, no-nonsense kind of a person who largely tells things like it is, so it’s a really good sign to hear her speak so optimistically.

Kallo is elated over our success in securing Ark Parchero. He was dismayed as we all were to find the Ark tethered to the Archon’s ship when we did, but it obviously had greater significance to him than anyone else on our ship. I remember him imploring me before we launched the mission to do whatever I could do for his people. He’s understandably very happy that the Ark found its way to the Nexus. Saving Raeka along with them was probably icing on the cake.

Even Liam has been real chipper lately. To him, it was important that I would be Pathfinder not just for humanity, but for everyone in Heleus. He sees that in what I’ve been doing, and is proud to be a part of it. To me, that’s significant, because Liam was one of the people who Dad sold his vision of the Andromeda Initiative to and bought in. Dad and I could hardly be more different as personalities, so I was always a little worried about being taken seriously by those who were closest to him. I am my own person and have been doing things my own way, but I’d like to think I’m delivering on the vision people bought into. At least one person has told me so.

Drack and I were pretty disgusted with each other following the last mission, but that’s behind us now. In fact, he just asked a favor, and I placed it near the top of my priority stack. Someone stole a seed vault from the krogan that would feed their newborns. We’re headed to Elaaden to retrieve it -- fate of the krogan kind of depends on it (no pressure). I have no pressing business anyway, and it seems like a good way to bury the hatchet after what happened on Verakan.

I should be pissed about what happened at the Nexus, but I’m not. I’ve got my team behind me 100% and we are feeling incredibly up-to-task, come what may.

After our mission on the Archon's flagship concluded, SAM shared a Dad-ism with me after the others cleared out of the meeting room. Apparently, he used to say that the worthy would rise above adversity and deal with it ably, and the unworthy would crumble.

Thank you, Dad, for that totally-not-ominous pearl of wisdom…


	22. Eladaan/Tempest, Day 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 confused me and made me think the previous chapter was not posted until just moments ago; that was weird =/

The team and I tracked down the exiles that stole the krogan seed-vault. Drack dangled the ringleader Arone’s sorry ass over the ledge. Arone’s panic was satisfying, but I figured he knew where the bodies were buried; we needed that information to nail Spender (the real prize) and any others we may have missed. So I talked Drack out of it.

But more importantly, the seeds are safe and sound, as is Vorn, the colony’s chief botanist (without whom that whole thing is useless). There were some unexpectedly touching moments in our mission. Vorn has feelings for Kesh!! He told me to give her his love if he didn’t make it, not knowing Drack was also on our line. xD

Vorn later tried to take a bullet for Drack, which only angered him. Vorn would then confront Drack for seeing himself as expendable, saying that Drack was a reminder that the krogan needed of what they had lost. And to Drack’s dismay, I agreed with Vorn.

Back on Eos, I encouraged a teacher to keep Milky Way history in the curriculum of our new schools. The saying goes that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and I emphatically agree. It’s for that reason that I believe Drack should appreciate the value of passing his wisdom down to the next generation of krogan. Drack argues otherwise, saying that his is a history that the krogan need to move away from, but that again is only possible if they learn the lessons it should have taught them.

In the end, though, we let him be old and grumpy in peace.

I took care of other business around the colony while there, nothing real noteworthy, but one thing stood out. We returned some data by an old krogan scientist Okeer that had gone missing to one of the New Tuchanka colonists, something having to do with krogan supersoldiers. A little frightening, that. On the other hand, the kett have engineered their own version of exactly that. 'Be nice to have some of those on our side.  
  


* * *

  
Back on the ship, Lexi was upset about SAM having killed me. She was worried he’ll deviate from his programming and do that more permanently. SAM tried to reassure her of his purpose. She wouldn’t have it, calling him ‘lines of code,’ but apologized for that remark shortly thereafter.

Honestly, I think it was just the stress of having a Pathfinder’s health/life in her hands, and the variable that an AI presents which cannot be fully accounted for. She needed to vent; SAM and I don’t get offended easily. No big deal, but I do think I may need to give the team a talk about acceptance of our synthetic counterparts — a few of them have attitudes I don’t approve of.

Lexi later sent me an email suggesting some activities for me to de-stress. Ironically, one of her suggested activities is… journaling! Yeah, I think I’m good there.

Cora and I have really been hitting it off lately. It’s kind of weird, but very welcome. The way things started out between us, I thought the best I’d be able to do with her was a stalemate, which did seem to be the status-quo for a time. Since then, however, it has progressed into something pretty wonderful.

Cora had never expressly doubted my lead, save for that one private talk we had early on where she vented about Dad, but I always just felt this vibe around her like she wasn’t convinced of my competence. One can hardly blame her; I wasn’t convinced, myself.

She eased off after Ark Leusinia (resentfully, or so it seemed). Maybe she just needed time to process what happened with Sarissa. Between that experience, mentoring Vederia, and some of the stuff Lexi is trying to do to have her relax, I think she has been finding her center.

We were chatting a bit about our lives back in the Milky Way, and somehow that conversation took a turn to discussing sexcapades from shore-leave. Cora has felt snubbed a few times in her career, but from what she told me, her looks certainly don’t go unappreciated. Up to this point, I’d thought the two of us were polar opposites as people. Certainly, we’re very different individuals. She’s an asari huntress, soliderly as they get out, whereas I’m a harcore nerd.

I’ve since realized we just have different styles of being similar people. She’s a professional vanguard, and I’m a biotic scientist, but we are both kickass explorers with the brains to match. She’s straight and only into humans, while I can dig all races and genders, but we are both very comfortable in our skin and can turn heads. She winds down with meditation, whereas I’ve always liked doing this thing at the end of a long workday to collect my thoughts, but both of us are very reflective individuals.

Men have the term “brother-in-arms” to refer to friends they’ve grown close to (and not always in actual war). Sister-in-arms doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but it’s the right idea. We’ve found a lot of common ground, and we make a good 1-2 punch. I know Cora didn’t appreciate being passed on for a promotion, but there’s something to be said for being the Pathfinder’s right-hand-woman (especially with the success we’ve been enjoying), and she has grown into that role swimmingly.

She’s also not a misfit any longer, not on this freak-show of a scouting vessel. Shoot, she may be the most normal one — which, now that I think of it, actually makes her odd by definition … well, so much for that. Nevertheless, she is accepted here, and that was clearly always a big thing with her. It’s a big part of why she signed-on to the Initiative in the first place: a sense of belonging.

Like with Liam, it’s really rewarding to see someone who bought-in with Dad buy-in again under my lead.

But there is one other interesting thing I recently discovered about her. I always knew the gist of Cora’s background, but only now looked at her Initiative profile. According to her file, Dad expressed some concerns about her adapting to SAM, with some mention of a physiological connection between him and the AI that may require passing the connection onto me or Scott.

I get the sense there’s more to it yet than the file lets on, but that it’s saved into his memory array, which I still haven’t quite cracked yet. According to SAM, though, we’re more than half of the way through.

That’s it for me; Kallo is bringing us to dock on Eos.


	23. Eos, Day 27

Gotta admit, when I heard that Liam had something to show me on Prodromos, I was more than a little worried (for obvious reasons), but I had no way of knowing what was in store for me when I got there. He, … set up a football match!?

Whew. Okay everyone, sound the all-clear!

In all seriousness, it was a nice gesture. We had participants of all races come together and just do something fun that builds community. Andromeda has been humbling like that; you don’t truly appreciate how much these “little things” matter until you’re building a new society from scratch.

It was a good ego-boost for me as well. I joined in and pretty much dominated. Football isn’t really my sport, but I’m okay at it and I’m in really good physical shape, which is enough if you’re not playing against anyone really good. But nobody really cared about the score, it was just about having fun (as it should be).

I was also there to meet Gil’s friend, whom he’d warned me would give me a talk about carrying an extra passenger. I wasn’t about to have any of that. So when she stepped off the shuttle and introduced herself, I thought I’d beat her to the punch and shoot it down. She just laughed that off and asked something totally different: why Gil acts so mature nowadays. I did what Gil would probably do and wise-cracked; she approved.

And that was about it. I’m still not entirely sure what to make of that one. Like, I really didn’t do anything. Dad probably would have done more to get the team serious than I ever have.

Maybe that’s the trick — I treat them like responsible adults, expecting only that they come ready to do their jobs when duty calls, and they respond like responsible adults. I’ve had to play the nanny from time to time on this job, what with Liam, Peebee, and that thing between Gil and Kallo, sure, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve had to do less and less of it the more this crew has “gelled” with one another.

But my conversation about babies with Jill that never was still has me thinking. Sooner or later, we’re going to have to seriously commit to populating our new world. We have the technology to do that without requiring women to carry, or even men to fuck (which, as it happens, is not really Gil’s thing anyway… at least, not with women). I’m committed first and foremost to being Pathfinder, right now and for as far ahead as I can foresee. I didn’t come to Andromeda to “settle down” either. Just the thought of it sounds boring. I came out here to help find and travel the paths into new, uncharted space.

That said, being a parent and having a family does appeal to me, especially after feeling like I missed out a bit on that part of my life early on. Harry got to the point where he realized he wasn’t young enough to keep working the field, and continued his career while transitioning to a new role. I expect to go down a similar path sometime down the line, and at that point, I am sure I will give serious consideration to the whole family thing.

At this time, though? It’s just way too early for baby talk. Sorry, Jill!

I probably wouldn’t go the test-tube route, either (not that there’s anything wrong with it). No, I would want the to have the baby with me as they grow. Shiiiiit, I never even considered the dynamic of having an AI in my head while pregnant. Spirits, that will be…  a true family experience, let’s put it that way.

I tracked down some Yale fellow there who we’d connected to a group of exiles that made some trouble around the cluster (“Three Sabers”). He admitted to everything, but then dropped a bombshell on us: Addison sanctioned all of it. It’s a dead issue at this point, but it’s Pathfinder business that I have a duty to report back to the leadership. Addison better have answers for me.  
  


* * *

  
Our team placed some seismic hammers to mine valuable resources for the colony. Along the way, I bumped into a small, unincorporated group of colonists. They wanted me to place the hammer such that it would mine natural gas for their trading benefit. Alternatively, I could mine water as was my original intent.

I stuck with mining the water. Natural gas is rough on the environment, and Eos needs to heal as it is. Additionally, I had talked a bit with the group’s leader to get a sense of their belief system, and I know the type. Natural resources become like drugs to a society that depends on them financially — once you get started, it’s very hard to wean off of them, even as it begins wreaking havoc on you.

So I admire the group’s effort to do things better than the Nexus, but I’m not sure they appreciate how much of a slippery-slope they would be going down. Actually, I know they don’t. I expressed my concern quite explicitly and their leader just shrugged it off. Those with the attitude of “freedom and damn the consequences” can easily lose sight of the bigger picture, undermining just why they wanted that freedom in the first place.

So we placed the last hammer and let ‘er rip, and that summoned something beyond our wildest expectations. A new, massive Remnant construct we are now referring to as an “Architect” sprang up out of the ground and did what all Remnant do: try to destroy every intruder in its vicinity. The Architect is the size of a skyscraper and armed with a cannon, rapid-fire blaster, and grenade-launcher … all this in addition to the ability to create all other new Remnant types to throw at us.

It was a tough fight, to say the least, but we were able to quickly pick up on its attack strategy and adapt accordingly. I also had a good party with me — Liam is quite good at mixing it up with Remnant up-close, while Cora is even better in CQC and kept our shields replenished (which is a literal lifesaver). They both kept me clean so I could focus on the Architect.

Architect legs and head are weak-points. We chipped away and those spots while alternating between three-to-four designated cover spots after it would flush us out from one or the other. That cannon fires some sort of EMP pulse that forces you to move, and that damaging energy lingers for a few seconds after its firing within the same area. Those grenades it spits out has the same effect.

Its rapid-fire is brutal, destroying your shields within just a few shots. I got a taste of it at one point but was luckily able to duck back into cover quickly, ‘no way anyone could survive that barrage without a strong kinetic-barrier (and even that will not protect you for very long).

Slowly and surely, our efforts strategically firing upon the Architect allowed us to defeat it. We were rewarded for our efforts quite nicely with all the nifty tech and raw resources its corpse left behind. Most importantly, it won’t be a threat to the locals any longer, and our combat notes will allow others to take on it without too many mistakes made.

I’ve taken up shotgun combat to further diversify my arsenal, trading my Vanquisher sniper-rifle for the Reegar Carbine. That bad boy melts Remnant bots like butter — very useful! It was previously used by quarian soldiers (one of whom it got its name from) to take out geth, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by its utility.  
  


* * *

  
Our last order of business was something Cora wanted to attend to. She had planned this something for some time. She showed me a little spot at the colony basin where she had some equipment set up to lay the foundation for Milky Way flowers to flourish there. Together, we cast a mix of soil and seeds into the air and let the wind scatter it beside the water. There was something so reverent about it all — life, finding its way into another home against all odds.

Cora told me it would be years before these plants would spring, even further into the future than she may even live, but laying a foundation is the asari way. I won’t lie, that part kind of bummed me out. I’m not bothered by the idea of missing it, but this was something Cora dreamed about since childhood (growing up on cruisers where the idea of gardening was novel), so it bites to think she may not truly realize that dream like someone with an asari’s lifespan would.

But at the same time, it makes me really admire who she is, and the way she devotes her heart and soul to what she believes in. That’s why it’s so humbling to know she’s — oh goddammit, I’m getting all weepy-like writing this now. =,,,(

Okay. Okay, get a hold of yourself, Sara. I’m good. I got this…

… It’s just such an honor to have the respect of an amazing person like Cora, and I’m so fucking proud to call her my friend. =,)

Busting our asses against the mother of all Remnant, and then spending time with those who matter most to us, I feel like this calls for something special. So I’m bringing out the booze for tonight’s entry. A toast, then.

Here’s to us, to the friends we love like family.

Here’s to all the tears we’ve cried and the shit we’ve survived, _together_.

And here’s to you, Archie, you gargantuan, Remnant bastard — no bigger game I have ever hunted.

Cheers!

(… Kadara is next…)


	24. Kadara, Day 28 …

I chased a lead from Kaetus on some kett activity around the badlands. The trail ended at a cave, where Sloane was waiting at its entrance. For a second there, I thought I’d been setup. Turns out, she just wanted to see to the mission through herself. Wow, control freak much?

Upon seeing me, she was her usual, demeaning self, but her tone was different than the last couple times. She taunted more than threatened, though I’m not sure I'd call that an improvement. I had a retort to whatever she said to me, neither of which I remember now (something about being a dog), but I do remember her comeback about how fetching is what dogs do. Ughh! I hate her.

Comically, Kaetus had to be the saner head and break it up. Sloane remarked how cute it was to see him acting concerned like that, which it was, but she seemed to mean that differently than the way I found it cute. Then I saw what I somehow missed: they’re lovers-!! :-O

At least, that was the impression I got from their exchange. I could be mistaken, of course, but somehow I doubt I’m too far off. In retrospect, there were a few other clues here and there that I didn’t pick up on then, but now seem to point so obviously to that conclusion that I can’t believe I missed them.

Juicy gossip about Sloane’s personal life aside, we got in the cave and it was business as usual for our team: kicking kett ass. To no one’s real surprise, Sloane can handle herself out there as well. We left it to them to clean up the mess. I don’t imagine this ingratiates us as much to the local leadership as it ought to, but wiping out any kett activity is worth it in and of itself.

Later, we tracked down Reyes’s cargo. It was a trap; his ex lured him in so some thugs from smuggling groups around Kadara would take him out. Lucky we were there, those goons were no match for my team. Zia said something about Reyes being selfish, but I stood up for him. I didn’t think much of it, but it seemed to mean a lot to Reyes that I did.

Reyes said he’d be in touch with me with any updates. He has been my most useful contact around Kadara, by far. More than that, he seems to be the only person that gives a damn about trying to address problems around the colony. Also, dashing — ‘can’t forget that part. =) It’s always a pleasure doing business with him… at least, until he leaves me footing his tab. Cheapskate. -.-  
  


* * *

  
Some random thoughts, but damn, few things scare the shit out of me quite like turning around and finding a FIEND breathing down my neck!! Those things are massive, and they can tear you apart with their bare hands. Vetra once got knocked out by one we faced (luckily not more serious). Cora got grabbed once, too, and looked like she was in for a world of pain until some quick thinking on my part freed her from its grip; a heavy application of biotic force will do the trick. Nothing gets me moving quite like the sight of one of those monsters charging at us.

They’re exalted versions of Eirochs, which are not as hardy as Fiends, but no less scary. Kadara is in no short supply of either creature. That said, there is a beauty to the Eirochs that exaltation just completely strips away. The original version has a color pattern/complexion that is actually rather pretty. All of that is lost through exaltation, which instead just creates a creepy, soulless exoskeleton of the same thing. ‘Just another reminder of how virulent the kett are to all life.

And my Nomad got a paint-job. “Nebula.” As opposed to the boring, standard white layout, it now has a dark and mystic blue coating with a starry pattern decorating it. I’ve seen a lot of other paint-job options for our trusty rover, but found them all kind of ugly and/or ho-hum. I really dig the new look, though. I also like to think of it as a reminder of what we imagined this trip would be while we were back in the Milky Way and to just live in the moment while we’re experiencing it all.

I’ll have to end this one on a darker note. I made a stop back at Knight’s hideout and gave Alain the device that SAM and I engineered. He still wouldn’t divulge many details with me, but spilled just enough for SAM and I to key in on the important data on his mother’s terminal (code: Mercury). Knight is planning a terrorist attack on the Nexus using explosives to target computers with quantum-computing capability. Idiot!!! Those computers serve critical functions around the station, like in hydroponics and Professor Herik’s science lab. We need those frickin terminals. >=[

So we are making an emergency run to stop attack. I do have some other business there, though, like asking Addison what the hell the Three Sabers was all about.


	25. Nexus, Day 29

We made an emergency stop at the station to stop Knight. One device went off, but I was able to defuse the rest. I confronted Knight while Kandros had militia snipers covering me. I talked her down, mentioning how SAM helped effectively cure her son to prove she was wrong about AI. Knight did seem to realize her mistake, and stood down. She faces terrorism charges now and lengthy (but likely not permanent) prison time.

She can share a cell with Spender. We got him, too. Arone’s confession would not turn out to be necessary — the scrambler gave us all we needed — but it shed some light on Spender’s motives that I found illuminating. According to Arone, Spender straight-up hates krogan. It’s nice to have testimony which lays that out unambiguously rather than let Spender hide behind any practical reasons for what he did.

Spender was found guilty, and he’ll be locked away for a pretty long time.

Perhaps the most memorable part of that ordeal was hearing him calling the leadership on their hypocrisy, saying that he merely did what all of them wanted done. That, he said, is how politics really works.

I’ll revisit that point later.

Not long after that, I confronted Addison on the Three Sabers ordeal. Like Yale, she did not deny any of it. The Nexus needed muscle for blah-blah-blah, she explained to me (I honestly don’t remember her defense other than not being impressed by it at all). Next, Sid walked in, which I wasn’t expecting. Addison urged that we cover this up, saying it would be damaging to public trust in the Nexus brass, and this on the heels of what just happened with Spender.

She was probably right; the public would likely lose a lot of faith in them (what little they have) upon hearing such news. Were this the Milky Way, I might have even gone along with it this once. Nope, uh-uh. Not happening. We came out here to do things better. How can I expect the Nexus brass (or, more importantly, the next generation of leaders) to learn their lesson here if there are no consequences?

Worse, can I let them believe that they can always just cover-up after shit hits the fan and allow them to become reckless? And, like I’ve said before, the truth has a way of getting out. As bad as the backlash may be now, an attempted cover-up would be that much more damning. I’d like to think that being honest will at least count for something, but even if not, it’s just the right thing to do.

Addison, at one point, was someone I found intimidating, and at some level I still do. She is not nearly as much of a doubter now as she was then, yet it was nerve-wracking to stand up and confront her the way I did. The emotional cocktail produced by this episode contained a mix of nervousness at the onset, which turned to freight when I was in the thick of it, accompanied by some feelings of getting payback for her role in shutting down Meridian, along with some power-tripping that gave me a strange sense of confidence even while I could feel part of me actively freaking out.

In that moment, I was acutely cognizant of my role in the Initiative, and of the purpose I've given that authority. No longer was I the lowly recon-specialist that had just stumbled into the lead role for the human ark because of (as Addison was quick to point out) nepotism. I was sending a message to her and the rest of the leadership loud and clear: it’s  Pathfinder Ryder.

Then you had Sid there witnessing everything. It felt like the classic dilemma between the proverbial angel and devil on your shoulders, with the roles being obvious. I was not terribly conflicted about my choice, but there *was* a little voice in the back of my head that tugged me in the other direction. Like, ~  _it’s a moot issue, they’re dead, and we’ve already saddled the Nexus with fallout from Spender… maybe we let this little one go??_  But any thought of going along with a cover-up made me conscious of Sid. What kind of leader would it make me if I did? Tann, pretty much. If there was any chance that I was going to relent, Sid’s presence literally kept me honest.

Cold pragmatism has never really been my style, but since becoming Pathfinder, I’ve really woken up to the realities of authority and all the moral dilemmas it presents. Up to this point, I think I have maintained my sense of honor in the face of it all, but some decisions have made me look inside myself (Raeka). That’s what made Spender’s words so chilling.

I have no way of truly appreciating the turmoil that the Nexus faced in its early days here; I wasn’t there. I did get a taste of it, though, when those protesters demanded their families’ release from cryo. I wanted to settle the matter peacefully and in a way that put the people’s interests first. Instead, I ended up calling in the militia to move them out, some a bit more than gently. And I’d do it again. I really think what I did was for their own good, but then I’m sure Tann et. al. would say the same of their handling of the uprising.

Maybe I’m drawing false parallels there, but one of my worst fears — while having the privilege of an active role shaping our new home in Heleus — is coming to the conclusion that Spender was right all along. Being Pathfinder has definitely challenged some of the ideals I hold firmly.

At the end of the day, though, I call bullshit on Spender. One lesson I’ve learned since being placed in my current position is that being honorable isn’t impossible, it’s just really difficult. Integrity requires having principles, the guts to stick by them, and (perhaps most importantly) a tenaciously open mind. Cynics like Spender are often people who are just incapable of or unwilling to imagine that there can be a better way to do things.

Anyway, I’ve gone off on a big, long tangent. If there is one thing I regret about my decision, it’s that Sid may have made herself the subject of Addison’s wrath now. I don’t care about bringing that on myself; I can handle it. Sid is a teenager, though, and in a position where Addison could possibly make her life hell now. Vetra has enough to worry about without having to keep an eye on Sid’s work life.

Could there be room for her on the Tempest? There’s a thought. She did want to help out doing something meaningful. Obviously I wouldn’t recruit her to the fireteam — she doesn’t have the stomach for it — but maybe some role on the ship’s crew. Hmm. It’s something to think about.

Speaking of incurring the wrath of higher-ups, Keri’s cameraman informed me that she had been thrown in jail over her documentary. I was pretty incensed by the news, yet oddly (also comically), Keri was just her usual easy-going self behind the glass when I visited her. She told me that there were some citizens who acted up after seeing her reporting, which is likely what landed her up in jail. Despite this response, Keri is still committed to her work, and says that she has ideas to use it to her advantage. I was curious, but didn’t ask. I figure I’ll find out when the time is right, and for now, it’s probably better not to know.

Tempting though it was to storm into Tann’s office and throw a fit about this, I instead requested reports from Nexus security regarding her arrest, and will see if I find anything that I can use to challenge the legitimacy of her detainment. That way, I can refute any bullshit explanation that she’s in there for a reason other than doing reporting truth to the people of the Nexus. I’m being careful and deliberate with this so I don’t accidentally botch her best shot at getting out. I owe Keri that much, at least.

Perhaps I should have expected this. Keri wanted to give people the raw, unfiltered truth, and I know from experience that there are some small men leading this initiative that fear the very idea of that. Yet I pretty much obliged her to the most provocative material I could offer, caution be damned, and her truthfulness landed her up in jail.

But I can’t be blamed for what happened. It was not necessarily my part of her work that had this effect, and more than that, I shouldn’t have to put a filter on the truth. The people have a right to the information I disclosed with her, and to free-and-open press in general. Otherwise, what kind of society are we creating? This is just another failure of our leadership.

Man, I didn’t realize how dark today’s entry was going to be. I make these entries to reflect and take an inventory after a long day, and when I look back on it now, I don’t like what I see. Arming violent criminals. Imprisoning reporters. Lies. Corruption. Censorship. Xenophobia.  **GODDAMMIT!!** This is the Milky Way at its worst. I thought we came here to leave all that shit behind.

We can complain all we want about some angara like the Roekaar not accepting us, but it’s stuff like this that make Akksul’s point. What hope do we have as a society when we let fear, mistrust, and selfishness rule over us? How can we expect to progress and do better when we refuse to learn lessons of the past?

I shouldn’t despair; there’s still hope for this Andromeda experiment. Our new world in Helus is still young and finding its footing, nowhere near a lost cause. Throwing my hands up and saying “fuck it” would only ensure that the wrong people are left unchecked, leaving an even bigger mess for the next generation of idealist leaders like myself to clean up.

I just wish I had more allies. I have a great squad and crew behind me, but aside from maybe Kesh and Kandros, I’m not seeing too many people in my corner on the Nexus, and they both let me down at a time I needed their support most.

But hey, maybe the public backlash to Spender and Addison works in the Tempest’s favor. When I defy the Nexus to hit Meridian, the public might be more sympathetic to our side and make it too difficult for Tann take much punitive action. I guess it depends on what comes of our mission, but if I can leverage public opinion against the Nexus to further our mission, I absolutely will.

Heh, look at me being all ruthless. Dad would be so proud!

On that note, I saw another one of the old man's memories in SAM node. It was Mom’s last moments alive. I was there, so was Scott. It was all exactly how I remembered it, but this memory showed me her last exchange with Dad after the two of us left the room. Dad couldn’t say goodbye, so Mom did. She told him not to let her death break him, and reminded him of a saying from the N7s. “Back against the wall, if you can’t run from it, use it.”

Mom’s death devastated him, but he was at least able to use it as fuel for doing the unthinkable: reaching the Andromeda galaxy. We’ve been hit with complication after complication since arriving, so it’s hard to appreciate the incredible accomplishment it represents, but… here we are, residing in a galaxy we were never designed to inhabit.

I then picked up the lead from SAM’s previous memory regarding the “benefactor.” Jien Garson was not killed by the Scourge. She was murdered, looking for more information on the Benefactor in her final moments. We have no clues as to who killed and her and if the killer was acting alone or working for someone else, but it definitely has the look of a hit ordered by our friend Bennie.

Seriously, what is going on here? If Jien wasn’t really the brains behind this whole operation, then who was? More importantly, what were their true intentions with all this?

Vetra told me that the uprising was inspired by a widespread feeling among the colonists that we were all conned into coming here. As she herself pointed out, this all seems like too much trouble for a con-job. I agreed with her then, but now I’m beginning to wonder, myself.

According to SAM, there is just one memory left to go. It had really better have answers.  
  


* * *

  
Since our return from the Archon’s ship, my priority stack has gotten pretty long again. It’s funny, because I fully intend to defy Tann’s clear orders about Meridian, but our movements might make it seem like we’re obeying him. In reality, I just want to get all my ducks in a row before heading off into the unknown.

In a way, I’m almost proving them right. They reasoned that Meridian was too big a risk and that we have to turn our attention to the needs of the Initiative. I disagree with their conclusion, but I’m holding off on actually going there so I can get other things in order, in case this really does open some Pandora’s box that complicates things too much to do them later.

Still, we’ll need to take that leap of faith sooner or later. We know little about Meridian, but enough to know it’s capable of incredible things. Whatever its potential, better it’s with us than the Archon.

While today was kind of miserable, one thing happened that lifts my spirits a bit: I’ve got a date lined up tomorrow! Reyes contacted me over vidcom and he pretty much asked me out. Sloane is having an event for some of Kadara’s more noteworthy individuals, and apparently, Reyes is important enough for an invite. I’ll be going, too, as his “plus one.”

Free drinks sound pretty great after a day like this. So a night on Kadara, then — _ex-ciiitedddd_ -!!!


	26. Kadara day ???

Ahahhahahaha ohoo wow, that aas an AMAZZZZING night!! Reyes left and I thought he stood me up but i found him and he treated me to the most ezquits t whiskey I’ve ever had. O h yeah and we made out. A lot. Hehe took him long enough to kiss me hahahahah … probablt shouldn’t be posting right now but whatever!! — I’m over the fucking mOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

kthxbyenow :3


	27. Kadara, take two (Day 30)

Oh, goddess, what did I write?

Drunk posting aside, it was indeed an “amazzzing” night. =)

Before my date, I was out in the badlands; Kadara’s vault is now online. Sulfuric content in Kadara’s water deposits has decreased dramatically… you’re welcome, Sloane. -_-

I had time to kill after that was over, so Vetra and I went on a rock-climbing expedition she’d planned. I’ve mentioned this before, but there are some really great views around Kadara. This time, we got to see it as a whole from atop a small mountain. It’s simply breathtaking.

And the two of us both enjoyed ourselves. Again, Vetra will give it to you straight, so when she’s happy, I’m happy. ‘Damn proud and lucky to have her on the team.

Then we get to the party…   
  


* * *

 

Being Pathfinder is not enough to get into one of Sloane’s parties (imagine that). I had to wait at the door until Reyes showed. We walked inside and were met with an angaran friend of his named Keema Dohrgun. We chatted for a bit until Reyes did his disappearing act. -.-

Well, after being _abandoned_ , I mingled a bit with the guests. Sloane was not real pleased to see me there, hahaha! I gave some human bad gambling advice, and some turian hopefully good relationship advice. Then I chatted a bit more with Reyes’s angaran contact. After a while, I got tired of waiting on Reyes and decided to go looking.

I found him sniffing around one of the stock rooms and then tried to make him explain himself, but we were about to get found out. As we tried to think of a way to baffle the incoming guard, my first thought was to make this look like a tryst and make the guard feel too awkward to do anything with us. So I went in on Reyes and we started making out, with me getting a little extra handsy once I sensed the guard catching us — doing my best to really sell the idea that we had a lot more on our minds than just frenching (that said, Reyes is nice and firm in the rear xD).

Incredibly enough, that actually worked. It must have set him straight, mentally, too, because he would quickly find the thing he was looking for back there: a bottle of whiskey. I was unimpressed, at first, but he told me that this bottle was the rarest of its type, the only one in this galaxy, and he was open to sharing.

Well, I sure had no interest awkwardly slinking around Sloane’s den any longer, bored out of my mind and uncomfortably out-of-place. So we rushed off together and found a nice spot on the rooftops over Kadara Port’s main commercial plaza. There, I was treated to another nice view, this time overlooking the city-center… not to mention the view right over my shoulder. ^^

There are a few gaps in what I remember from last night, but those moments with Reyes are still crystal clear. I asked him his reason for coming here, and his reply was: “To  _ be _ someone.” I found that interesting, but also, a little saddening.

There are men — and for some reason, it’s usually men — who romanticize living large and flaming out fast. They spend their lives chasing some impossible standard to “prove” their worth to an audience of one (themselves), missing all the truly wonderful stuff that makes this shit worthwhile, and sometimes destroy themselves in that pursuit.

I’d hate to see Reyes go down that road. He’s got so much to offer. Life’s too short to get caught up over social status and whatever else you want but don’t have, taking for granted all the blessings you do have. I told Reyes that he *is* someone, someone special to me, and I hope he takes it to heart.

Then the highlight of my night: we kissed (**SQUEE-ing LOUDLY!!**). I mean, we kissed earlier, but that didn’t count. I forced that one, but he initiated the next (and about damn time, I would say).

The second one was also so much more meaningful. Our backroom exchange was pretty racy and got me kinda hot, but while I enjoy that mindless passion and all, nothing beats that feeling when two hearts unite and become one heartbeat. <33

So while I’m not real sure what I posted last night, that part about feeling “over the mo-ooooo-on” was absolutely on-point. That was some pretty good whiskey, too (hahahahaha). ‘Still feeling it, probably will be for a while.

As to the question Reyes asked me? Yes, this Andromeda experience has been pretty damn close to my ideal vision of it. Ever the hopeless romantic, I imagined scenic new worlds, exuberant wildlife, marvels of alien society past and present, good company and some romantic misadventures along the way. We pretty much got all of that, in spades.

‘Be nice if we had some livable planets to inhabit and were rid of the aliens bent on corrupting our entire species, but hey, can’t have everything! xD

So Reyes has quite officially inserted himself into my romantic circle. Gosh, I really need to manage this thing before it gets out-of-hand (too late, huh?). Him, Jaal, Keri, Suvi(?), Peebee(?). Yeah, we’ve gotten a bit crowded there.

Frick, Peebee and I still fool around from time to time. x_x

Trading flirts was kind of our routine since she joined. Now those flirts are a lot less subtle and quickly lead to action. Ughh, so unprofessional of me, and I swear “never again” after every time … only for her to rope me right back in the next time. Seriously, though, I need to cut that shit out. I’d worry about her not taking it well, but to date, I’ve been the more eager party.

Well, anyway … Havarl is the next stop on our agenda, then we are primed to hit M E R I D I A N afterwards The team has been working their butts off, though, and I just want to make that we are all at our best for what may be our defining moment. So they are getting a day off to decompress.

I think we all earned a break.


	28. Havarl, Day 32

The team had a day to catch their breaths, but now we’re back at it. I put off our mission to help Jaal confront his siblings in the Roekaar for too long, but no longer. We went to Havarl and rectified that.

Our journey took us to a mountainous landscape of Havarl. It’s a beautiful planet, though I’ve said in a previous entry that it’s almost a little  _ too _ lush and colorful. This region of the planet was also pretty overgrown, but less so than the area where the Initiative has its stake, showcasing scenery adorned with ruins from an older (perhaps ancient) time. As we steadily made our way up one of the hills, we took in the sunset from a position overlooking the forest, awe-struck.

Predictably, the path ahead was littered with Roekaar. One grows numb to the amount of combat our team engages in on a daily basis, but Roekaar always make me think about if our roles were flipped, and I sometimes imagine human racists in their places like Cerberus and militant Terra Firma factions. We knew hostile native presence was a risk going in, so the cause behind their hostility does not seem that relevant. Somehow, only when I imagine my own people doing what the Roekaar do can I fully appreciate the fact that these individuals really hate us.

But if that weren’t enough, we encountered Jaal’s radicalized siblings. He had mentioned them, and bringing them back home was one of our objectives, yet somehow it still took me by surprise when we found them. They were initially quite welcoming of their brother when they saw him. Then he introduced me to the family, and it went downhill pretty quickly.

Hardline attitudes do not change in a brief encounter or short conversation, so my presence did not do much for Jaal’s siblings, but one of them seemed to have been growing disillusioned with Aksuul and tipped us off to his plans. Aksuul wanted to stage a false-flag that would look like Initiative aggression on the angara (fathom the mindset of an individual who, in the interest of protecting his civilization, destroys it to blame the fallout on others to “prevent” them from destroying his civilization).

Jaal’s sister lost her temper with the cooperative brother and, in her rage, she shot him. Her shot wounded him, but not mortally. However, the sister’s rage quickly gave way to horror as she realized what she’d done.

We all kind of get how racism and hate more broadly is bad, from a rational standpoint, but you cannot truly appreciate the plain ugliness of it until you experience it firsthand. Look at what this makes us do, how it tears us apart so senselessly. That ugliness really defined our showdown with the Roekaar.

Fortunately, the team and I were able to disarm Aksuul’s bombs in the forge. With that out of the way, there was but one outstanding matter…

I normally attribute xenophobia to roughly equal parts of fear/mistrust and stupidity, but Aksuul is not some backwater pleb who fits the typical image; he’s a pretty intelligent guy. Intelligent people can hold crackpot worldviews too, of course, but they are especially formidable opponents against defeating those views. He has said pretty vicious stuff against us Milky Way races, stuff that even *I* find convincing when I listen, and he would make his usual pitches again here. Jaal was not having any of that, though, and he was unexpectedly effective (to me, at least) at countering him. A little too effective, as it would turn out; Aksuul pulled a gun on him in frustration.

I knew Aksuul wanted me to take him out (he said as much pretty plainly) and that martyring him would have only fueled the Roekaar cause further, but it’s hard to care too much about broader political conflicts and such when it’s one of your own staring down the barrel of a gun. Alas, I trusted Jaal and used all my restraint as Aksuul had his gun trained on him, and even as he fired. Bad shot — it merely grazed the side of Jaal’s face. When Aksuul’s followers saw it, they could no longer stand at his side. It was a total fall from grace.

So while our mission was a success, I felt a sick feeling in my stomach after that scene had concluded, which would stay with me throughout our shuttle ride back. Jaal and I debriefed one-on-one when we returned to our main forward station. He thanked me for trusting him, but I was not alright, and I told him that as a tear rolled down my eye without warning. I almost lost him there, and it wounded me to think I almost stood by and let it happen.

It will heal, he assured me — all scars do. A more perfect response could not have been given.

I guess all’s well that ends well. Jaal will be okay. Next time, though? I’m just shooting the bastard, martyrdom or not — ‘not trying my luck with THAT again! Aksuul has stood down, and Jaal’s siblings have all returned home; the mission was a success in every way.

So much has been going on that I’ve neglected to mention a few things in this journal. Peebee got robbed on our last visit to Kadara. She’s tracking down a lead on Kadara to help her track down Poc. In the meantime, we were able to acquire some useful new parts for her Remnant scanner (in hopes we’ll recover it from Kalinda).

We also met with a salarian contact who had some information for us on their Ark’s abduction, Sealen, an ex-STG agent. He wants my help with an investigation into possible betrayal by a one Dr. Aden. I figured I’d look into it. What’s the harm? It could be a wild goose chase, but I won’t go out-of-my-way for this.   
  


* * *

 

I made the rounds yesterday. Drack and I had a really bittersweet talk in the med-bay, reflecting on his past and looking ahead to the future. Lexi says he’s really taken a beating over the years. No surprise there, but the number of red-flags on his medical profile are pretty overwhelming when looked at in its totality; it’s a looooooooong frickin list -!

Drack is old enough to remember the Krogan Rebellions, the fall of his people’s civilization. A pack of grenades grievously injured him in his early days as a combatant, and the complications back then were immense. Drack would suffer severe depression through this early life ordeal until one day, a shaman dropped a small krogan baby girl in his lap.

Baby Kesh gave Drack purpose again, and he turned his life around. Being a parent, he said, is not the finish-line. It’s the starting line.

… annnnnnd on that note, Gil’s gonna be a daddy!!!! =D

They’re not a couple, not really. Gil is going to be a donor, but he wants to be part of the child’s life and have an active role in raising it. Gil’s own father was not around, and while he isn’t bitter about it, he does not want to be the absentee dad, himself.

I’m happy for him. I don’t know Jill and his relationship with her well enough to get a feel for what kind of team they will make as parents, but it sounds like Jill “gets” him and is a very loyal counterpart. I just wonder what will happen if Gil falls in love with someone more his type, if Jill might be accommodating of another party.

It’s funny, the stuff I overhear while walking through the ship. Jaal was horrified to hear about the classic kids’ board-game, snakes ‘n ladders, thinking there were actual serpents involved! xD

I thought the team would have been down for the “movie night” we’d been planning, but it seems the preparation for that never ends. It’s kind of become a meme for us at this point. Lexi has requisitioned some booze, and Liam is now looking for an upgrade in the movie department. The team swears there will be no more requests after this. Still, that’s another trip a piece to Nexus and Kadara, so this thing will have to wait until next time.

That is, if there even  _ is _ a next time. Kallo just set a course for Meridian.

I also got an email a few moments ago from Sloane, asking for my help urgently. I think I’ll leave her hanging as well (provided, again, that we don’t all die or anything)!  >=]

I don’t feel the same sense of dread over Meridian as I did over infiltrating the Archon’s flagship. We’re heading into the unknown, but the Remnant are less threatening to us as the kett, plus, we seem to have a better handle on Rem-tech than the kett do. It’s not home-field advantage, but it’s more favorable territory for us than for them. 

All our findings into the Remnant have led us here. By the looks of it, Meridian should be the motherlode. The Archon said it was capable of far more than we knew, and I’m actually inclined to believe him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all kinds of anxious about what we’ll find there, but at some level it’s do-or-die for us now. Above all, I am ready to get answers on the Remnant.

It is time. Onward to Meridian.

It. Is. Time.


	29. Khi Tasira, Day 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Been busy (*shrug*). I appreciate all the feedback.

Hmph. In retrospect, this was the outcome I should have expected all along…

First of all, that wasn’t Meridian. It was a Remnant city-structure called  _ Khi Tasira _ . Our efforts at the city did provide us with some answers, but the puzzle remains unsolved, and our findings suggest that the one last missing piece (Meridian — the  _ real _ one) may be beyond our reach now.

Or not. A ray of hope for finding Meridian exists thanks to the gifted minds on our ship. Suvi hypothesized that Meridian’s location can be pinpointed using Scourge readings to chart its course, with original star-charts of Heleus as the baseline (this idea courtesy Cora). The Tempest is working on collecting these readings as I write. If we’re correct, that information can be taken back to the Remnant city to locate Meridian once and for all.

It feels like we’re asking for more heartbreak by being that hopeful, but I’ll take hope (even of the blind or delusional varieties) over accepting defeat.

Ghost Storm technology and Raeka’s distraction worked. We did not have a viable landing spot for the ship, so a “hot drop” was in order. Gil seized the opportunity to remind me of my lack of composure while falling out of our shuttle on Habitat 7. He wasn’t there; Liam apparently was happy to retell the story. Welcome to my doghouse, kid. -.- Thankfully, this one went a lot more smoothly.

It was a “girls’ night out” this time as Cora, Vetra, and I all set out to conquer not!Meridian. Shortly after arriving, we were tasked with bringing the central command-hub online by activating the controls at two nearby towers. Our path was littered with kett, and Remnant defenses. Both enemies felt a little bit tougher than the usual resistance we encounter from them, which makes sense considering the strategic importance of the location.

Some earth-shattering revelations were in store for us even before we reached central command. Our squad encountered lifepods which contained angara. My first thought was that they were test subjects of an experiment, only for SAM to inform us that these subjects — and, by extension, their whole species — are  _ the product _ of Remnant technology!!

So  _ that _ was what the Archon meant: Remnant technology can not only terraform the cluster, but create sapient life! And this is just what we know. Imagine what else the Remnant are capable of that neither we nor the Archon have discovered (though, it will be pretty hard to top creating new life). With that in mind, however, one shudders at the thought of how the Archon would use it all.

Onto the next tower, we not only were able to activate its controls, we somehow also managed to activate Remnant exploration-vessels (this is a thing, apparently) in the process. We have made so many discoveries, one almost loses track, but we did come across a massive Remnant derelict ship on Eladaan. One has a tendency to forget other types of Remnant constructs exist other than their ground troops. Aerial constructs present another entire division of the Remnant we have not fully considered.

With the towers active, we now had one last objective: find the central command-hub and take control of “Meridian.” There was heavy resistance along the way, but nothing we hadn’t seen before. We navigated through the maze-like chambers of the Remnant construct further until we located said hub. Once there, I interacted with its main console, in the same fashion I have interacted with all previous ones.

And then, my worst fear was realized: our luck ran out.

Shortly after interacting with the console, its response was akin to an [ERROR: Operating System not found] message on a corrupted computer-terminal. A little more digging from SAM was able to discover logs from the site’s original “administrators” (presumably, the creators of the city and all Remnant technology), the Jardaan.

We finally hit that wall, that insurmountable obstacle I was worried about after all the smooth sailing and good fortune that led us to this point. Sure, there were a few mistakes made, some close calls, some inconvenience, but our luck up to this point has just been so good. Too good, it would turn out. I knew, I just KNEW it was all too good to be true… 

Meridian is some kind of a mobile platform (we think) that was ejected from this area long ago. The Jardaan were facing some sort of existential threat relating to the Scourge, for which reason they felt compelled to flee and leave records behind of everything they once were. So, once again, the location we had explored was not Meridian at all.

When it rains, it pours. Just as we made that discovery, the kett’s cruiser began firing upon us, and an elite squad was sent our way to take us out. But SAM alerted us to something we badly needed; the city had defenses we could activate from our position. I located the controls, and groundside defenses helped bring down the kett ship.

Finally, I had a showdown with an elite kett “Destined” that was called the Archon’s Sword. It was more durable than most Destined that we have faced, but the real challenge for our team was the addition of Fiends(!) while we were in the heat of the shoot-out.

Luckily, I have a great Sentinel profile for any occasion where the enemy is trying to catch me with my pants down in CQC: Barricade, Flamethrower, Tech Armor. Add in my biotics, and I can hold off a lot of flak in the middle of just about anywhere. So, we slew Archon’s Sword, and the kett pulled out of the area — one silver-lining to this flop of a mission.

I broke the news of our findings back on the ship to the rest of the team, and to the Nexus. Less than 15 minutes later, I got a call from Tann over the comm. He was congratulatory, commending me on the mission and our findings. While he was none too pleased about our insubordination, he let it go, recognizing that our mission progress more than justified the risk we took — surprising, considered we actually kind of hit a wall, but nonetheless.

I tend to serve up some of my signature sass/snark when speaking with Tann and put him in his place. Not this time. This time, he was acting cooperatively with us. I do not trust him any more after that exchange than I did before, but, I believe in using positive-reinforcement with people. Like it or not, Tann heads the Initiative, and that does not look to change any time soon. Until then, the more agreeable I can make him towards the Tempest’s mission and ever-changing objectives, the better.

After my call with Tann concluded, Suvi let me in on her idea for finding Meridian. In essence, her proposal entails measuring the Scourge like an ocean’s tidal movements, treating Meridian like a ship lost at sea. We can return to the Remnant city with our findings and locate Meridian once and for all. I, for one, have no better ideas of my own, and I think she is onto something there. Our team has made it a top priority, and have already made some headway into the effort.

Suvi, however, would need a little caffeine and a few moments of downtime before she was up for the task. Often so focused and buried in her work, she is not usually one for breaks, but she what she was really looking for was an excuse to share something special with me. Suvi had brought over some tea from back home, and was near the end of her supply. She was generous enough to share what little she had left with me as the two of us caught up in my cabin.

This one-on-one was overdue; I don’t spend enough time with my crew as I do with my squadmates that walk into the field with me. We had a nice, long chat together about all sorts of things. She and I reflected on the Jardaan, the implications of their history relating to theism, and on what we left behind for this voyage into Andromeda. Suvi’s faith in a higher power is unshaken, seeing no conflict in their existence with her belief. I remain agnostic, but my openness to the idea of a god figure has not waned, either.

Milky Way civilization has had the ability to create both organic (cloning) and synthetic (sentient AI/VI) life. We have also made breakthroughs towards transcending mortality in a number of ways, such as the recovery of President Huerta back on Earth, or the rumored revival of a dead Commander Shepard by Cerberus (I’ve long found this rumor far-fetched, but some people I knew and trusted in the Alliance used to say Shepard definitely died in a Collector attack, so his return meant  _ somebody _ restored him). None of that, in my eyes, nullifies the idea of some sort of higher-power existing.

Our discussion would then branch out into talking about the nature of a god. Most theists seem to subscribe to the idea of gods in the framework of them as the creators, but who is to say god existed to create us? Suvi and I then went down the rabbit-hole of a god that did create humans, only for us to surpass him, not unlike the AI humans design that in many ways surpass our own abilities. We also mused with the idea of a god that isn’t sentient, instead acting as a force like weather affecting our lives in incalculable ways, somewhere toward the end of the conversation.

Remembering her dwindling tea reserves, Suvi talked about how she missed some of the things she left behind, as I think we all do. She regretted not spending more time with family, but I pointed out how their lives (or, their memories, at the very least) have lived on with her, and that resonated with her. As someone who had very limited time to spend with my own family, that thought comes from a genuine place.

I also had to point out that our paths have crossed as a result of everything that happened, and I sure couldn’t regret that. I know I have made some hints with Suvi in the past about my interest in her, but I didn’t have a sense for whether that was interest was shared. To my surprise, yes (YESSSSS!!!), she told me that the feeling was mutual, and if there were any doubt about her meaning … well, we shared a kiss that pretty convincingly took care of it. <333333333

But then I had to confront what I’d long been avoiding: the multiple intimate relationships I have been cultivating all at once. Her, Jaal, Keri, Reyes. She told me not to do this with her, not unless I was serious.

I told her I was, seriously head-over-heels for her, but also that I do not believe in limiting myself to have feelings for any one person. There was a brief pause before she seemed to realize what I meant by that, at which point she managed an “Oh,” and (after a long pause) “... I see.” I tried to think of a way to break the awkward silence that filled the room, and came up with nothing, but that was probably for the best.  Finally, “I don’t know,” and “I need to think about this … but I really like what we have between us.”

That she didn’t turn me down is promising, and I really needed to start establishing where I stand with these relationships I’ve been pursuing. I guess I was having too much fun with all the romantic affairs I’ve been enjoying since leading the Tempest, to the point where I kept wanting to kick the can on having this conversation that would potentially end any of them. Suvi does not seem accustomed to the idea of having a poly partner, but I’m hoping she’ll come around to it.

Well, phew! The first conversation was not terrible. Now I just have to have that talk again with Jaal, and Keri, and Reyes (if that man will ever commit to anything outside Kadara, anyway), and time to stop fooling around with Peebee. Oh well, that was fun while it lasted.

We are headed for the Nexus next, but Jaal has told me that he’d like to take me to his family home on Havarl. He also mentioned something about possibly visiting a favorite site of his on Aya. I’d hate to ruin either of the moments with any “cultural misunderstandings,” best I talk to him soon about the two of us (and the possibility of a few others) and get them out of the way ahead of time.

But we also need to pay Kadara a visit soon, for whatever urgent business Sloane has for us (I think I’ve kept her hanging for long enough). Suvi and Kallo are confident we’ll have the Scourge readings we need over the next 3 Earth days or so.

And ohhh yes, movie night! Meridian did not kill us, and once our business on the Nexus and Kadara are taken care of, we should finally be good to go.

Until, of course, Drack insists we pick up some Taurg steaks (or something)…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Multiple romantic partners obviously isn't an option in-game; I look to take more liberties with the canon as I wind this thing down, and (possibly) look to branch new plots/sub-plots off of this work.


	30. Nexus, Day 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has been busier now than when I started this, but I'm going out on vacay soon, which will maybe lead to more downtime to write and finish. I had ideas for other, more original stories in mind, no clue if I will get around to those now. Thanks again for all the reader feedback! Dumping this chapter off with very cursory editing 'cause it's been so long. =)

… Or, “The Highs and Lows of Sara Ryder”

High Point:

Raeka, Avitus, view and I celebrated our semi-successful insubordination over a rare bottle of mead in Pathfinder Hall. We raised a glass to the adventure and exploration. Vederia’s data from missions charting the Scourge have been helpful to Raeka. Avitus has also found an understudy and has also been doing great work.

I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around the idea of myself being such an important player in the Initiative — or, shoot, in this galaxy more broadly. I was never told to expect that I might become the human Pathfinder in even the strangest turn of events, yet here we are.

What’s more, my team has actually been getting results. The Pathfinders’ role in helping colonize a new galactic system is an undertaking so monumental, I thought there was no way I’d be up for it, yet I have since helped build outposts on Eladaan, Voeld, Eos, and Havarl if you count that one. There is still so much more to be done, but I’m just amazed that I’ve been able to help solve or at least alleviate some of the critical problems we have been facing.

I owe a lot of it to SAM, of course. I can’t count how many times he has pulled our proverbial quads out of the fire, or made things much easier for us. A part of me almost feels like all these accomplishments are not really mine but SAM’s and that I’m conning everyone with my title, but then even Dad was not nearly the asset people believed he was without SAM, either. Shoot, even Raeka sounded like she leaned pretty heavily on her SAM.

And like Dad found a way to augment his N7 skill-set with an AI, I am just doing the same with my skills and experience as a Prothean researcher, both of which have come in handy for the responsibilities that have been dumped in my lap.

Higher Point:

After that, I met up with Drack, Vorn, and Kesh for a game of Fire-Breathing Thresher Maws of Doom. I had kinda assumed that the “Fire-Breathing” part was akin to the “Snakes” in Snakes and Ladders — not meant to be taken literally. I was forgetting, of course, the kind of big difference between my species and the krogan. So yes, this game really did have pyro, in the form of miniature flamethrowers used to cut down other players’ Thresher Maws -!!

Yeah, it was pretty crazy… crazy _fun!_ Once you get past the madness of playing with fire, the game really is a blast.

Peak high:

I met up with Keri in the commons area. She was released from jail not long after I received the police report a few days back. They were no doubt intimidated at the idea of the Pathfinder investigating her incarceration, so it was all chalked up to a “misunderstanding” and they let her walk free without charges. Someone still needs to be held accountable for this, but right now, I’ll take my victories where I can.

Keri did not need an interview this time, just advice on what direction to continue taking the documentary. I told her that our people and future generations need to know the truth about our successes and failures to build off of them most effectively. In the spirit of that, I forwarded our footage of the Remnant city to Keri, and she plans to present it raw and uncut … although, I think _a little_ cutting is perfectly fine — if there is footage of me picking my nose or something like that, I sure hope that gets smoothed over. xD

We met up in the bar after that. She and I talked about what we left behind in the Milky Way and what Andromeda meant for us. Keri’s parents were diplomats, and that intimate closeness with backroom politics inspired her to go into journalism. That, unfortunately, made her a threat, and her own parents disowned her for it … she revealed to me in the most casual, matter-of-fact way (seems like nothing dampens this girl’s spirits).

I meet such incredible people. I guess it’s to be expected of anyone willing to make a pilgrimage from one galaxy to another. Keri’s resilience is inspiring, though. It’s people like her who I fight for, the idealists that refuse to stop striving for society’s collective progress and push all of us to do better.

I have to admit, my initial attraction to her was more superficial. I thought she was cute, liked her energy, maybe even liked the way she looked at me with wide-eyed hero worship. It’s grown into so much more than that now. Now, it’s a deeper, more meaningful connection. Keri also knows I have other partners and is totally cool with sharing, so that rocks too.

It all could have ended there and I would have been happy enough with the result, but after we finished our drinks, she invited me to her apartment. Obviously, I accepted; I was enjoying myself too much not to join her. So we walked over to her place together and hit things off again.

**rubs face**

I knew this journey would be a life-changing experience, but while I was caught completely off-guard by being named Pathfinder, the celebrity status that has come with it has been even more unexpected. At first, I was just going with the flow, and before we got an outpost established on Eos (with more to come), the public’s reaction to me was a mixed bag — complaints, encouragement, threats, condolences.

But now? Now, I get special treatment almost everywhere I go, autograph requests have become frequent on the Nexus, and our infant extranet has a disproportionate number of sites dedicated to Sara Ryder fandom — news, gossip, even fan creations with everything from songs to sexually-explicit fanfic.

It’s just weird to go from being a nondescript, rank-and-file nerd from the Alliance’s science teams to one of the biggest rockstars in the galaxy and living that life.

I think Keri’s attraction to me is sincere, but being one of the head-honchos of the Initiative is how I got sought out by her and why she kept coming back for more. I thought nothing of pursuing something romantic with her, but when I take a step back and look at it, me and Keri sound like something straight out of a celeb gossip rumor-mill.

Being the Pathfinder has its benefits.  


* * *

  
Low Point:

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but: the exiles were right after all — we really were conned into this whole Initiative project. Not just them, but we “Reaper theorists” (as we were called) back home were right, too. This Andromeda project wasn’t about a new, fresh start for society, not really. It was really about survival from the imminent Reaper invasion…

… and Dad was in on all of it.  =|

I remember the Citadel attack. I was not on the station at the time, but it was home for us once. At first, the Council was treating the flagship which spearheaded the attack as an entity separate from the geth, but some time after Shepard died, they declared the ship to be part of the geth armada that attacked. Since public policy was not to provoke the geth, it meant they did not have to look into the threat much further. A lot of people accepted the official story, but a lot of us were not convinced.

But yeah: I KNEW IT WASN’T GETH!!!!! Nothing about that ship looked geth, aside from being highly-advanced (but in a way that trumped geth, not equalled them). I have also seen from Alliance intel what geth dreadnoughts look like, and that ain’t it. In the conspiracy world, there were many names for them: mecha-Cthulhu, Old Machines, Derelicts, etc… but most of us ran with the word ‘Reapers’ as per Shepard.

The terminology seemed new to Dad, going off of the memory. I wonder if he ever gave it much thought, or truly believed it was the geth? We never talked about it, but he was clearly a bit shocked at what his turian contact told him (I’m not). Nonetheless, he believed him, and then the Benefactor confirmed that this was the reason why he/she/it/they were funding the Initiative. (and with that, I just drew a parallel between the Benefactor and Charlatan in my mind. Hmm…)

So Garson was also not really the mind behind this operation then, either, but more like a puppet. All the inspiring talk of the journey and our destination, all of it was smoke ‘n mirrors. That’s… actually really upsetting. >=|

Oh, and finally, Mom never really died — Dad had her put into cryostasis and brought her into Andromeda with us under a false name (“Elizabeth Riley”). So yes, she’s alive, and she’s here!!!

And THAT was why he named me Pathfinder, so that her “second life” here would be met by her only remaining family. To think, if the memories had not been passed on, who knows how long (if ever) until we would have discovered the truth of it?

Holy shit fuck.

One of the biggest points of speculation for us Reaper theorists was what they wanted with our galaxy. These theories ranged from complete annihilation/genocide, to abduction (moving us to a different part of space entirely), to harvesting the galaxy for resources, to general maintenance of the galaxy where we were simply “in the way,” … on and on and on.

Not all motives guessed at were completely evil ones. Some speculated benevolent motives (this was most prevalent among abduction-theorists), or grey motives, where they acted harshly only out of necessity or for reasons we could not possibly comprehend but would otherwise understand (that was more the custodian-camp, of which I was an (ambivalent) member).

That said, the general consensus was that — if the Citadel attack was any clue — whatever their motives, any future encounter would not be pretty. To my great, great regret, that fear seems to have been validated. A lot of the details are unclear, with no real way for us to get answers now, but comms transmitted from the Milky Way over to us here in Andromeda confirms in no uncertain terms that the Reapers arrived and annihilated everything — people, infrastructure, civilization itself — in their wake.

Questions flooded my mind until overload. It just makes me wonder now, are we really safe here? Who’s to say the Reapers are not a threat in Andromeda? Or, could there be any connection between them and the kett?? Would it not be worthwhile to send anyone back, and…? (Overload).

That last thought brought the image into mind of coming back to the Milky Way and finding nothing but a barren wasteland. That did it. Overwhelmed by the weight of it all, I collapsed, falling to my knees as the reality sunk in and grief overcame me. All I was left with was one cold, harsh realization: all that I knew and loved from the Milky Way were gone. Vanquished, with no regard for what was. I could not help but think of Lizbeth and what terrible fate she must have met. The faces of good friends, of acquaintances, even of strangers that I had ever bumped into raced through my mind. Gone. All of it, just… gone.

I raged. Through sobs, I let out screams and visceral shrieking. The Initiative lied. The Council lied, or got it wrong (neither explanation absolved them), as did the Alliance, and everyone else involved. Now, all I ever loved and knew did not simply live out their lives, they suffered and were mercilessly exterminated. And we left them to that fate.

I can’t think of a time I’ve ever fallen so far. Normally, I am open about my flaws and feelings, but I’m so glad nobody was there to witness the mess I devolved into.

Once I finally regained composure, I had to fix my face and hair up before I could step outside again. I made a beeline for a nearby restroom. I needed to wash it all out, off of my face, out of my conscience. Sometimes weeping and even wailing can feel like vomiting — just an utter purge of some of the toxic shit inside of you — on an emotional level.

After trying to avoid eye-contact with all people between me and the restroom, my awareness of others soon returned. They were going about their day like normal, blissfully unaware of the truth. It was like being placed inside a simulation, the only one knowing that the whole setup is fake.

Then my first thoughts turned to the people I know whom I know and trust most that I might possibly confide this with when I remembered Scott, and… Mom!! I had to tell him about Mom!!! It was another thing that had also kind of upset me at Dad, but then I was just happy that something worthwhile came of the bombshell of a memory that he dropped on me.

I had Scott meet me at “Elizabeth Riley’s” pod in cryo. Instead of telling him what was what, I had him piece it together. Scott is many things, but dim is not one of them — one clue was enough for him to piece together the puzzle: Mom. Elizabeth Riley? E.R. -! Ellen Ryder!! Yeah, the look on his face and watching the reaction unfold in real time was well, well worth it! ^^

But just as the two of us were ready to hit defrost, SAM told us that was not advisable. Mom was still terminally ill and had very little time left if not cured straight away. Dad hoped that Andromeda would provide the resources to cure to her illness, but… we’ve had other problems.

So, it’s going to be a while before we can even dream of her getting out. By then, we might be her peers. o.O

Or, … oh Goddess, let’s not even continue down that path. x_x

I thought I understood the feelings of those Nexus demonstrators whose protests I broke up, that I could relate to their pain by virtue of having to deal with Scott being awake but stuck in a coma. Boy, was I sorely mistaken. Only after being denied the ability to release a loved one of my own from cryo can I now truly empathize with what those poor people must have felt after Nexus prioritized science personnel over the military.

And yet, it also reaffirms my belief that denying their request was the right decision.

That probably sounds like me trying to reinforce my decision, maybe even reverse the cognitive-dissonance that being put in those protesters’ shoes must be causing me now. Maybe I am, but in all rationality, I realize that — as much as it sucks not to have Mom around — SAM is right to stop us from releasing her. Letting her out now would kill her, and Andromeda presents an opportunity for resources that may be used to cure her if we can just stay patient.

It’s not exactly the same, because those protesters’ families probably do not have terminal illnesses that will kill them shortly after release. Still, that move would bleed resources and kill us slowly until/unless things change drastically. We’ve made progress, but things are still delicate right now. Some extra mouths to feed would not be a death-knell right now, but cryo truly is the best place for them before things are stabilized. It sucks, but use it as fuel for keeping motivated with the efforts ahead, and one day that hard work will be rewarded. That’s really the best we can do.

I feel much less validated, however, by the revelation about the real reason for the Andromeda Initiative; Addison’s pleas for us to cover-up the Three Sabers ordeal came back to mind. I feel the temptation quite strongly to sweep this under the rug, especially given my own reaction to the news, and let people remain blissfully ignorant. What does the truth matter, at this point, anyway? What good will it do to tell the people now?

But I will do no such thing. At some point or another, I will have to come clean with this and let people take the truth for what they will, the question is not “if” but “when.” I imagine this will spark serious controversy, even outrage. No doubt, many will react the way I did — thinking back to what they left behind, and how we left behind friends and family to die. How long does a thing like this stay secret? The truth always finds its way out, always better to let it out on your own terms.

But when, though? At a time like this, I think we would have another uprising on our hands, what with how low people’s faith in the Nexus leadership is at the moment. And while I believe strongly in letting the truth out on our own terms, that idea loses something if the result will be the same regardless who they hear it from. Then again, would we really want to let this out at a time when we want people celebrating good news, and ruin whatever momentum we have going for us as a result of it? I’d like to think that an accomplishment great enough would allow us to break this news to people without them getting to upset, but I see no way that this reveal does not cause a serious uproar.

I guess the “best” time, if there even is one, would come at a time of relative quiet and followed very shortly thereafter by some really great news being broken, or something. Ugh, writing that shit made me feel like Tann. Time for my shower.

The truth about Mom, and why Dad really made me Pathfinder? Nope! No, that secret stays with me.

I feel bad because the role was to be Cora’s, and while I’m sure she’d agree things worked out pretty well for all of us in the end, I really can’t see this revelation going over well with her, and I think she’d (understandably) direct a lot of bitterness at me. But then it’s also kind of insulting not to tell her why she inexplicably got passed over for the role she trained for. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, huh? I don’t want to hurt her, but she will probably feel pretty hurt if she finds out I was keeping this secret from her.

Unless, of course, she never finds out! =)

Then again, by keeping this journal at all, I am pretty much asking for trouble. Hey, if we weren’t risk-takers for better or for worse, none of us would have come out here at all.

*Sigh* … I guess the best policy would be to break this to her at a point so far in the future when no one will give a shit — maybe after we’ve retired and are crotchety old ladies. We’ll laugh about it then! I mean, she couldn’t possibly still get upset by that point. And even if she does, what’s she going to do, whack me with her walking-cane??

Oh yeah, shit: she’s a biotic. Hmm… I’ll have to rethink this plan later.

Pfft, and to think, all this time I was telling myself that Dad must have seen some great talent or potential in me as a leader! No, it was just to make sure my Mom survived this whole process. Like SAM said, it’s a surprisingly emotionally-charged decision for a guy like him who was so coldly rational. I mean, I’m glad I have a chance to save Mom and possibly even reunite the three of us, it just does nothing for the ego. (Hahaha)

Dad hoped I’d understand when I found out the truth of the things he’d done. I understand some of the things he felt he had to do. Being put in the position I’m in now has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Other things, I really have not. Those were some truly shady dealings he engaged in on the way over to this galaxy. His motives were understandable; he was trying to save Mom. He could have at least been honest with me and Scott, though. That part is a lot harder for me to swallow.

It just kind of reaffirms the feeling that I never really knew him. Did anyone? Maybe Mom, and I’m not even 100% on that, either.

But damn, he really cared. Not just Mom, me and Scott as well. One of his private logs revealed that he was worried about Scott’s condition after his pod got damaged. He sacrificed himself so that I could live, but more than that, so that Scott and I could be reunited with Mom. Only now do I truly realize and appreciate that Dad wasn’t truly apathetic, he just showed his love in a different way, the only way he knew how: action, service, being a trooper. It’s just who he was.

I thought I was carrying on his legacy with the work I was doing as Pathfinder, but now, I genuinely think the greatest victory I could deliver for his memory is getting the Ryder clan back together again. ‘Not that I needed more motivation, but this helps put a face to the fight. I still miss him, and wish he could have been here with us, but I’m at peace with his sacrifice where I once felt guilty about it.

And what of the Benefactor? Somebody murdered Jien to keep her from investigating them, so Benny has some people here at the very least. What if he/she/it/they also made the trek over? It’s exceedingly hard to believe that anyone would have just poured massive funds into a project to save humanity solely out of the goodness of their heart, expecting nothing in return. That may seem cynical, because if there was ever reason to be selfless, it would be to ensure the survival of a species (presumably their own, in which case, especially then).

Yet if Benny was so sure of the Reapers’ imminence, one would figure he’d want out as well, or at least secure the passage for those that Benny cares about. If I’m right, there are others here who know more than they are letting on.

And the Milky Way. Once we have people to spare, and the truth is out about what happened there, it may be a responsibility of ours to send some of our people back and help pick up the pieces. Would there even be habitable planets, though? It may be centuries before that kind of a project can even begin to be considered. What if the Reapers are somehow tied to the Scourge?!

Dad’s final memory answered a lot of questions, but it has also brought about many more of them. I still have so much work to do as Pathfinder just to help ensure that Heleus becomes home to our people. I can’t decide if these are questions that are worth investigating further, because who knows how consequential the answers might end up being at some point down the road, or if doing so will just waste resources on stuff that no longer matters.

Spirits, I think I aged about one full month today. I’m going to try to catch some shut-eye now, if that’s even possible. By the day shift, the Tempest should likely arrive in Kadara.

'To then ...


	31. Kadara, Day 35

I can’t believe what transpired today. I looked back on it in the solace of my cabin and legitimately could not tell reality apart from a bad dream. ‘Just unreal, even by a Kadara mission’s standards.

I went to see Sloane first thing after the ship docked, though I was tempted to prolong the wait even further just to twist the knife a bit. At that point, I was just too curious to keep putting it off any longer. As I walked in, the first thing that struck me was the emptiness of the room. Nobody was home, save for Sloane herself. That made me a little nervous, but I’d quickly find out that this had nothing to do with me. She was betrayed. Someone within her ranks assaulted Kaetus and left him in terrible shape, leaving a note from the Charlatan requesting to meet her face-to-face.

Sloane was clearly upset, but not in the sort of barking, batshit way that I would imagine an upset Sloane. I heard in her voice what seemed impossible: vulnerability (me: SloaneXKaetus = 12,000% confirmed). Bafflingly, she requested my help with this most serious issue, saying that I presented a neutral entity as an outsider.

That was incredibly foolish of her, especially considering who we’d find out was behind it all. But also, she added grudgingly, that I’d proven “honorable” in the past. Her reluctance to say that just made it feel more sincere, and I kinda doubt that Sloane has the emotional-intelligence or even the plain willingness to engage in flattery to manipulate people to her ends. Later, I wondered if perhaps my refusal to leave Vehn Terev to his fate won an odd kind of respect from her. I’m sure she thought me a sucker for doing so, but maybe she admired the display of principle, especially from a Nexus representative.

I’ve had my issues with Sloane, but I felt no allegiance to the Charlatan, and I was plenty curious to see the bastard myself. So, I accepted. **shrug**

Not long after we entered the meeting-grounds (which, this being Kadara, was a cave), the man himself would reveal his identity. Why do we always react with “I KNEW IT!” to things that we never saw coming? Sloane did not immediately put 2 and 2 together, yet when I saw him, I felt this sudden, bizarre sense of confirmation for an idea I’d never even humored, yet it seemed so obvious in retrospect:

Reyes.

I was so not ready for the whirlwind of emotions that came with his reveal. Shock. Confusion. Disgust. Betrayal. Heartbreak. Yeah, mostly betrayal. I sincerely believed we were doing good work together, helping to try to make Kadara a less shitty place (looks so silly now, in retrospect), yet now I realized it was all a political ploy by Reyes to take the throne. Worst of all, throughout it I knew deep inside that I still felt something for him, even as I was confronted with the realization that he was not who I thought he was. I mean, there had to be some truth to the romanticized image of him in my head… right??

So “The Charlatan” then made his next move: challenging Sloane to a duel, with the winner taking Kadara Port. That, he said, was preferable to an all-out war across the colony. It just did not quite sit well with me, but Sloane accepted without much hesitation. So, that was it, then: they were going to try to kill each other, and I was going to sit and watch the events unfold. Again, it just did not sit well.

I also wasn’t sure whether to find this idea brave or idiotic on Reyes’s part. Sloane was a marine. Reyes? He seemed to have some rifle competency, from what I remember from the Roekaar mission, but going toe-to-toe with Sloane?

I could not fully think through my thoughts before a brief reflection of light glared out of a corner of the cave and caught my eye, at which point SAM identified and alerted me to something: sniper, sights set on Sloane. She was going to die, and was completely unaware of her fate…

… and like an idiot, I _sprang_ to Sloane’s defense.

=|

(*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*)

Sniper fire nullified, Reyes had to pull his own sidearm, but some quick thinking by Sloane preempted it, taking the pistol out of his hands as she fired a disarming shot from her pistol. =,(

He had an escape route. I gave chase. I’m not sure what I thought I’d do if I caught him. In this whirlwind of events, he was like another enemy and I drew my gun, aiming in his general direction.

It was at the moment I looked down the pistol’s sights that I came to see him again as the man I loved. So I froze, paralyzed by my inner-conflict. He looked back at me with a smirk and the slick bastard waved me goodbye, ever so suave.

It would have been prudent to at least fire a few bogus shots in his direction and make it look like I was at least trying. Sloane caught me in my lost daze and made me explain myself. “He was unarmed!” was the best I could come up with, which she scoffed at (even I thought it was pretty lame). I _was_ the “honorable” one, though.

Sloane muttered something about his head on a spike, to which I had a visceral sort of reaction to respond disapprovingly. There would be none of that, I told her. That bothered her. I didn’t care. She owed her life to me, for better or for worse.

Goddammit, Reyes. All of this could have been avoided if he’d just been open and not caught me off-guard! If I’d been able to process it all, I might have even helped him!!

As it was, I reacted purely on gut alone, and I can’t even point definitively to what made me act the way I did back there. I was no fan of Sloane. Hell, I even felt Reyes was much more worthy of her role.

It’s like I felt pity for her, or something. I have been thinking a lot about that conversation I had with her some time ago. I went back and reread my entry (#18) about our chat to see how it affected my view of her. Sloane described to me how Tann bungled the uprising situation, pissing her off, at which point she joined the exiles largely in the interest of protecting them from more bloodshed. She also told me about how it crushed her hopes of us building a new, better society here in Andromeda, implying a kind of idealism I totally identify with (but was nowhere in sight, that I could see, from how she ruled Kadara).

It did not improve my opinion of her much, but it made me feel sorry for her. And the idea of her lover (however much she wants to deny it) getting brutally beaten just before having her own life taken by a scoundrel that dupes her when she was emotionally vulnerable … that sucks, no matter how you spin it.

Ughhh!! In retrospect, FUCK that conversation. I wish we’d never had it. If I hadn’t seen the human side to Sloane, I probably would have stepped aside and watched with a smirk as a Collective sniper ended her, and recognized that she would have deserved it. Having Reyes in charge of Kadara would have worked to our advantage so much more neatly than having to deal with Sloane’s hot head.

I was unable to stomach the brutal reality that this woman who I’d developed an irrational sense of sympathy for needed to be taken out, even in the sleazy way that Reyes had planned it. I thought I’d developed a sense of pragmatism from role and responsibilities that I have been given, but today, I choked. I guess, for better or for worse, my role has not changed me as much as I may have thought. Maybe it’s the scientist in me.

Well, whatever, I’m stuck with her now. At this point, I hope what idealism she once had is not gone forever. I can see how Sloane’s iron-fist rule may have come from a place of necessity, but she’s still a pirate whose results far from justify her means.

Yet I wonder if I was also trying to “save” Reyes, at least… morally -? If he’d been let to take the throne, continuing down this path of doing the right things for the wrong reasons, I wonder if he would not have just become the thing that he was trying to change. I mean, beating Kaetus to a barely-living pulp was pretty heinous, even if I do understand the “strategy” (ugh) behind it.

I mean, that’s kinda silly, because now his actual life is in danger, and a moral victory probably does not comfort a dead guy much. It’s not like I was thinking things out that thoroughly, though, in the moment (... which is why YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH ME, REYES!!!). It’s like I did not want to let go of the idealized, romanticized image I had of him in my head. THAT was what I was protecting, I think.

-{** long exhale **}-

I am going to be pressuring her to do better. If she doesn’t like that, she can cram it. I saved her life, and even the outpost she has agreed to give us in return is a net gain for her — bringing an influx of trade her way in which she reaps some of the benefits — but I foresee heated exchanges and comm-channels getting prematurely cut by either one of us in our future.

Yeah, an outpost on Kadara. That’s a thing now. Reyes probably would have done the same for us in Sloane’s place, but it’s a big win for the Initiative’s colonization efforts, even if _some people_ are not happy with it. I wonder how much differently Tann would feel about it if there were new leadership, not a person he very specifically takes issue with in Sloane.

Normally I enjoy the thought of my actions making Tann squirm a bit, but this just hits like another thing that would have worked out so much better if I had let Reyes finish her. Then again, I can no longer trust what I thought I knew about Reyes. Maybe his Initiative-friendly impression was yet another front to gain my good graces.

Nonetheless, an outpost on Kadara is one of the best outcomes that could have resulted from our business there, and despite the uneasy alliance with their leadership, we did get exactly that.

For what it’s worth, I hinted at my feelings about this whole situation with Addison, and she told me that if anyone can get through Sloane’s thick skull, I might be it. Sloane was the security director on the Nexus in the beginning, and the two of them worked closely with each other from Day 1 of the station’s arrival here. In Addison’s experience, Sloane respects principled leaders, and can be a fiercely loyal ally if one gains her trust.

Still, I feel like this could have gone so much differently (better, even) if I’d just known.

Dammit, Reyes…  
  


* * *

  
I have been busy with so much stuff lately and have forgotten to mention some stuff. Peebee has been doing some digging, and at Kadara today, she met with a source who had information for us to track down Poc from her ex. That looks to be our next mission.

I had another negotiation to make in the shady caves of Kadara’s badlands, this time between an STG agent and a salarian doctor that betrayed the salarian Ark, leaking its location to the kett. Dr. Aden offered me the data he collected in exchange for his life. I had a better idea: we seize all his findings from the kett experiments while putting him to justice. I went with that option, and my STG ally assures me that they will recover Aden’s findings. Thank goodness, at least one thing worked out perfectly there. Something had to go right.

Heh, but I couldn’t even catch a break when I met up at the bar with Drack! Just as Umi served us our badly-needed drinks, some idiot tried to pick a fight with me because I’m Nexus. I tried to talk sense into him, but some folks are determined to be idiots. One would think that the sight of a krogan literally towering overhead would make you think better of things — ‘guess not. =?

Asshole swung his fist at me, and I ducked, catching him over my shoulders and proceeding to flip him over the bar. His buddy joined in next, and I took him out easily. I can only assume that the first couple dudes that came at me were half-assing it, thinking this goofy-looking chick was easy prey, because their effort was pathetic. I’ve had more than a little self-defense training, but hand-to-hand still isn’t really my thing. Next thing I knew, Drack had taken out one or two when I realized: ‘oh shit, I’m in the middle of an all-out bar-fight right now!’

It got tougher once those hooligans could see that I can handle myself, in my own fumbling way albeit, but I felt a heightened sense of sharpness kick in after I took out that second guy. Naturally, some of that was adrenaline, but I would later find out that SAM also took over and revved up those effects even further (I kind of figured he had something to do with the added sharpness I found in the heat of the fight).

SAM also calculated the trajectory of swings coming my way that helped me dodge them. An angara came at me with a knife, but I flinched back like I knew exactly where both his swings were going to land thanks to SAM, and then I had him in a stranglehold before Umi quite fittingly finished him off with a bottle.

I did take a few hits, but nothing serious. Hilariously, one of the toughest challengers was a salarian, who pretty much just threw himself at me, tackling me to the ground. Drack tossed him aside. Then I remembered what I felt really stupid about ever forgetting: my biotics. Why oh why was I holding back such an incredibly obvious advantage?

Another group of dum-dums turned their attention to us, ready to go. Drack and I didn’t wait for them to come to us. As we took the fight to them, I let loose some mass-effect fields, also putting Charge to the test for the first time. Preliminary results from Charge were promising, further testing in combat situations will take place.

Hehehe: _me_ , in a _bar fight_!! I never imagined ever doing that. After the day I’d just had, though? It was incredibly satisfying to punch a few idiots in the face.  >=)

Finally, I was able to snag Liam’s movie request _Last of the Legion_ from a vendor. Not to speak too soon, but it looks like we’ve got everything we need for movie night.

(… once the head stops throbbing, the hip stops aching, the lip stops bleeding, and… )

‘Just one of those days.


	32. Havarl/Aya, Days 37-38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No last-minute editing process for this one. 'Been too long and it's time to wrap this baby up!

Okay, okay, so it’s been a while, but I just had the most AMAZING past couple days of the whole journey!!!!

Alright, Sara, breathe… relax. Okay, first things first, we made a special stop over at Havarl so I could visit Jaal’s childhood home. Officially, this was part of a broader goal of furthering interspecies relations. After all, my partnership with Jaal marks one of the first alliances between our species and his.

In reality, this was really about the two of us. <3

Jaal took me to his childhood home, where his mother and many (many) siblings still reside. As soon as we got there, I was greeted by his mother, who was incredibly welcoming. I hugged her, knowing that the angara are affectionate like that, and to simply earn her good graces where I could (I think I did well for myself there).

Inside, his home was packed with siblings and other close relatives. To me, it felt like everyone was sitting on top of each other, but to them, that closeness is just natural. We even bumped into a few of his siblings who we (*ahem*) encountered on the Roekaar mission, and they just played it cool — fine by me.

It’s such a dramatic departure from my own family situation. 4 Ryders versus ~24 Ama Daravs alone is enough to give you culture shock, but then they are clearly so much more tight-knit than the Ryder clan on our best day. And I have to say, I absolutely loved it. ^^

Don’t get me wrong, I felt a sense of relief when Jaal and I got away and were able to share a moment alone between ourselves in his room, because that amount of company was so overwhelming. Still, you talk about getting the “warm fuzzies” from things? Being around the intimate closeness of all that family… definitely gave me that feeling.

As for that moment between the two of us in his bedroom, Jaal told me about his curiosity for learning things — with his hands. He had a kett rifle years ago that his aunt gave him, and he took it apart — to learn. He had a pet kaerkyn as well for a time, and after it died, he also took it apart — because, why not? It seems strange at the surface, but I’m hardly one to judge; ‘Void knows I geek out about the mechanics of everything from biotics, to my drones, to Prothean- (and now Remnant)-technology.

Jaal told me he wants us to be together. I told him that I’d like that, if he’s okay with knowing that I have a few others in the picture. Jaal did not seem to pay that so much as a second thought, simply cheering “Yes!!” (lol). I guess it’s not like my other relationships are that big of a secret, aside from — hopefully — my misadventures in the escape pod.

Next, we traveled to Aya, where I had some business, but was mostly there on a date with Jaal.

Jaal took me to this absolutely breathtaking beach. Vibrant flora, turquoise water, pink sands, and this scent in the air so exquisite as to be almost mildly intoxicating to the recipient… this site was simply perfect in every way, and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

As we walked toward the water, it should have been fairly obvious what would come next, but I was still taken by surprise Jaal suddenly stripped naked when we got to the shoreline. Turns out that Jaal’s suit ‘pops’ right off, so it was all pretty, uhh… abrupt (lol). Damn, guy, give a lady a little warning before you expose your booty like that! xD

Unexpected though it was, I got over that initial shock pretty quickly and happily followed him into the lake. I, of course, did not go into the water wearing anything, either. Nudity has always been something I have associated with complete comfort and freedom. I simply *love* the feeling of being naked, and it’s that much more enjoyable when you share your nakedness with another person. =]

Those moments together in the water with Jaal went beyond the most romanticized fantasies I had envisioned back on Earth of life in Andromeda. All of the hardship that it has taken for us Milky Way natives to get here and establish any kind of stability may as well have been another thing we had left behind on Earth, Palaven, Thessia, wherever, and forgotten about long ago.

And Jaal, I can listen to Jaal worship me all day! It’s not merely that he says all the right things, but it’s how he says them, and the way he looks at me while saying them. Romance, angara-style, is the way love should be experienced. Both of us were not just completely open, but completely vulnerable, with each other, and that’s what it made it so fucking beautiful. :,-)

The only thing that could have made this experience any more perfect would have been if Jaal and I had steamy, romantic sex in a secluded spot right by the waterfall. I might have just relaxed with my back against the warm, moist rock of a small cave nearby while Jaal went down on me, discovering all the alien tastes of my body before our flesh united in perfect harmony.

Yes, his gentle approach would grow more and more forceful, and I would welcome the intensity as passion came bursting through our seams. I would tense up and come multiple times before Jaal would finally reach his own breaking point, and I would drink him in. Once we were both through, Jaal would collapse at my side, and we would silently caress each other in the cozy solitude of the cave…

… but I mean, THAT would have just been *too* perfect! ;-)  
  


* * *

  
I’ve been in a state of complete, unencumbered wakefulness over the past 72 hours. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this kind of euphoria from love, but it’s definitely one of the most intense that I've ever experienced. I'm on Cloud 9 and don’t ever want to come down, but— ohhhh yeah, … the kett are trying to kill us all. That would probably knock me right off my proverbial cloud if we let it happen, right?

The Tempest has completed launching probes into key spots within the Scourge, and we have charted out Meridian’s most probable direction of travel. Long story short, we have what we need to locate Meridian from the control-panel I interacted with back at Not!Meridian. We’re *that* close now…

Before we drop everything and head over there, I do want to get Peebee’s personal assignment out of the way. Any extra findings we can make on Rem-tech are worth having, in my opinion, even in the final hours leading up to the Meridian investigation’s (potential) conclusion. You never know how stuff like that may make a difference. Besides, it does no good to have a member of the team distracted by something left unfinished at a time like this when we might need all-hands-on-deck.

So, Peebee’s mission, and then what could be our big moment-of-truth for the Andromeda Initiative.  
  


* * *

  
I also made a brief stop on Kadara. A formality, but now it’s official: the Initiative has its outpost on Kadara.

It was kind of a funny exchange, actually. Sloane knew I was there to ask about our outpost, so she cynically asks if I’d come to collect on her debt. Actually, I told her, I was about to ask her how Kaetus was doing — wiped the smug _right_ off her face! I really was planning to ask her that, maybe not upfront, but still. Kaetus and I had some friendly exchanges (as much as any Nexus personnel could with Outcast leadership).

Plus, what happened with him quite obviously affected Sloane. I, of course, am convinced the two of them are an item, no matter how much Sloane tries to deny it. It’s so obvious, and more than a little endearing (I mean, Sloane needs to be endearing _somehow_ ).

And even if they’re not, well screw it, I still ship them and MY HEADCANON HAS NO TIME FOR YOUR FACTS!!!!! … said the completely normal Pathfinder.

I don’t even remember what exactly she and I said about the actual outpost (lol), other than it’s getting built, in return for a fee/tax on all trade (actually, that was probably it LOL). I probably look like a chump for not negotiating those terms — like, at all — but… this is Sloane we’re talking about. That the Nexus flag would fly over a Kadara windmill, what to say of an entire outpost, is a goddamn miracle. One wrong word and she’d probably call the whole thing off — literally what happened in our first negotiation.

Come to think of it, I did negotiate, asking if we get to be friends now. No dice… but I got a look that came about 26% the way to a normal person’s understanding of a smile, and she addressed me by my first name. It’s funny, but not completely frivolous. I’m stuck with her now, so the attempts to chip away at her exterior and get on her (relative) good side are very much deliberate.

Addison tells me that she was not easy to work with even before her falling-out with Tann, but that she has shown loyalty in the past to people like Jien — who, for one thing, proved she could get results, but perhaps just as importantly, offered an exciting vision that she could get behind.

More recently, I actually requested and soon after received Sloane’s dossier from the Nexus. Up to this point, SAM’s briefing seemed like all I needed to know. Now that I have something of a long-term relationship with her, I decided I needed to know her better. Her service is more impressive than what I’d heard; she was actually part of the Alliance team that held off the Terminus invaders at Elysium (“Skyllian Blitz” as it’s now known).

Unreal. I’ve read about the ‘Blitz, and have always been astounded at the idea that anyone could have stood against that kind of invading force. Does this also mean she knew and/or fought alongside Commander Shepard?? That sort of was his first claim-to-fame, and one of the things that led to his nomination to the Spectres (first human to receive that honor).

Hehe, now I’m imagining Sloane Kelly’s name being floated for first human Spectre in a backroom of Alliance paper-pushers — annnd swiftly getting shot down after a cursory glance at her psych-profile (long history of insubordination). xD

Dad had a say in that discussion, himself, as I remember. He wanted Shepard, a fellow N7, from the start. I never heard him talk about any other candidates, probably because “Shepard [was] the best candidate — and it’s not even close,” according to him.

Politics makes for strange bedfellows, so the saying goes. It’s difficult to imagine a more odd pairing than myself and Sloane, at least on the surface, but I think we may have some common ground. We are both idealistic yet kick-ass female leaders with a healthy amount of hatred for Director Tann.  
  


* * *

  
*Sigh* … I’m doing better now, but still not quite over what happened with Reyes, moving from guilt to plain old sorrow. I got an email not long after my last entry. Just: “You’re one hell of a woman,” and “Goodbye, Ryder.” I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for I don’t know how long alone in my cabin. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I mentioned previously that I was worried about Reyes’s ambition, that he’d destroy himself trying to achieve the prestige he sought. That was even before I knew he had his sights set on Kadara’s throne itself (talk about ambition). Now I’m just awaiting the bad news. Sloane wants his head, and he’s too damn proud to surrender.

I thought about if the Initiative or even just my team could get him to safety and make it look like he’d died. I don’t think he’d even accept that offer, though. Again, he’ll sooner die than give up the fight. It may be worth a try regardless, but I’m not optimistic I can save him, at this point.

Oh, Reyes…  
  


* * *

  
Just look at what an absolute rollercoaster this journey has been. On the back of some of the lowest of low points along the ride, the last couple days have been the high-point of the entire thing. It’s hard to imagine anything could top this (which is what makes me a little nervous about Meridian), but who’s to say what other mysteries or great discoveries await us in this galaxy? We’ve only scratched the surface thus far and are already on the cusp of uncovering massive revelations.

I don’t want to miss a thing…


	33. Pas-10, Day 40.

Well, looks like Liam is out of my doghouse, if only because PEEBEE has taken his place there -!!!

So as we arrived in Pas-10’s orbit, Kallo was struggling to find a place to land. Peebee, meanwhile, lured me into her escape pod — and not for you-know-what (besides, Liam was with me). Once we were in, she hit the eject button, and we were off. -_-

We’re goddamn lucky that the pod didn’t become a lava crouton because we were *that* close to getting dunked into an open vent where we landed.

Kalinda and her mercs were already there, and we found ourselves racing them for the last piece of Remnant technology that her Observer had located. Naturally, we had to fight through many of her henchmen and more than a few hostile Remnant. Shoutout to my Hornet SMG. It’s simply the best pound-for-pound weapon in my arsenal, and maybe in the whole Tempest armory.

In the end, it came down to a footrace between Peebee and Kalinda for the prized piece of Remnant we were all chasing. Kalinda damn-near hurled herself off a cliff to get the thing, hanging on the edge of a platform for dear life. Peebee had to decide between saving her life, or the relic.

I have to confess: I thought about making the decision for her. Kalinda was a sitting duck, and the thought of finishing her off did present itself, but, who was I kidding? I knew I couldn’t pull the trigger on that, however badly that Remnant device intrigued me. Life is precious, and that’s especially true of the precious few we have trying to make a living out here in Andromeda.

I’ll grant you that the idea does lose something when I have to plow through an untold amount of hired mooks, the like of which Kalinda employed to kill us, never mind that she did not show our lives the same respect. It was hard not to see her as acceptable collateral-damage for the device, in that context.

Damn, but all this death and destruction we surround ourselves with really gets in our head over time. It scares me a bit to think that I seriously contemplated executing Kalinda like that, even if briefly. Remnant are not sentient, that I can tell, and kett lives are practically forfeit as far as I’m concerned (because they were created out of unwilling victims), but mercs were just like any of us, looking to start a new life out here. Lexi’s data suggests some of them are just ill. Our squad does not use violence lightly or unnecessarily. Still, it’s easy to forget that a lot of the enemies we come across were people with hopes and dreams.

‘Can’t help but feel like we went through all that trouble for not much gain. Not for nothing, though: Kalinda handed over all the Remnant tech that she’d hoarded since arriving. I’m not inclined to believe that the sum total from her trove was worth more than the device, or even close. Yet I guess the acknowledgement of what we did for her and some humility is appreciated. We all make mistakes. It’s nice not to have to frickin DIE because of them.

I guess Peebee has only now finally bought into the idea of being a committed member of the team. Better late than never. I seemed to be the only person on the ship who had not been, at one point or another, annoyed by Peebee’s blithe frivolousness. With that mission, she finally succeeded in getting on my last nerve.

I’ll get over it, eventually, I never stay long at my friends for very long. Still, you have to admire the unwavering nature of her idiocy -!  
  


* * *

  
In my most recent visit to Kadara, I picked up what Liam assured me was the final piece to our Movie Night. Like I mentioned, Movie Night has been the running joke/meme for some time.

But we actually, finally did it!! After the mission, Liam told me that he and Jaal were ready to get the screen set up, and that all of the food ‘n drink were ready to go. Meridian is literally the only thing left on my to-do list at that point, so I say: sure, why the hell not?

It was great, actually. It was a nice moment to bring everyone from the team together. Compare this to our first full-squad meeting after bringing Jaal aboard? Yeah, like night-and-day. We had a great time.

I’m really damn proud of this team. I don’t know what awaits us at Khi’Tisira, but I can’t think of any group of people I’d rather venture into the unknown with than this frickin team.

I’m getting nervous again. What goes up often comes right back the fuck down. Even after Peebee’s stupid mission, I’m riding so high. *Sigh* … I guess I can always hang my hat on getting this far. Seriously: me, the human Pathfinder?? We’re so incredibly lucky Dad’s sentimentality did not doom this side of the Initiative, because that was NOT part of the plan!!

I’ve tried to think of all the things that could go wrong this time around. I doubt we will get the ol' error-message from hell again. I thought about maybe the Archon setting an ambush, luring us into a trap. Too predictable.

But what about what could go right? If Meridian is what we think it could be, we are looking at the return of our golden worlds. The Archon’s statements indicate its capable of even more. That’s good, because we’ll need more. Agriculture, any kind of stable food source, is chief among them. Defenses against the kett, too, because our intel suggests they are not throwing everything they have at us, or anywhere near it.

Well, I’m done for today. As soon as I hit submit, I’ll have Kallo set a course for Khi’Tisira.

Wish me luck trying to catch some shut-eye. ‘Only the fate of our entire civilization at stake here… no pressure.


	34. Tempest, en route Meridian, Day 42

Okay, so, stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but…

~~** i DIED a-gaiiiin!!**

Yeah, dying has gotten REEEAL-LY OLD, REAL frickin FAST!!!! >.<

That’s not even the worst part. Summoning Meridian was a trap all along, but not the predictable, ambush-type. The Archon took the Hyperion shortly after we arrived and just waited for us to do it before he sprang the trap, killing me by severing my SAM connection. It was Scott that helped restore me — with SAM’s help — from a comms-center on the Hyperion.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

We have a chance, though. On our first visit to Khi’Tisira, I noted the existence of exploration vessels, Remnant-design. I think I even mentioned it in this diary. I wondered if there were more where those came from, but filed that thought away under “things to investigate later.”

Well, later had come. After the Tempest arrived for pick-up, I noticed a console at the extraction zone. On a whim, I thought I’d give it a whirl, hoping it would deliver what we so badly needed at that moment.

Incredibly enough, I got exactly what I was hoping for: a fleet of Remnant ships. I *knew* those ships had to come from somewhere!! I could only interact for so long before my nervous-system could no longer handle the connection; that shit is hard without SAM.

And yet, it’s not enough.

The Archon is on the run, planning to reach Meridian control before we do. The Remnant fleet can give our ships a cushion against the kett’s, but the tip of the spear must pierce whatever blockade they try to form around Meridian.

I’m at ~75%. I feel like I’ve recovered quicker than after past deaths. Panic is one hell of a drug.  
  


* * *

  
I don’t have a lot of time to fire off this entry. In truth, I can’t really even focus my thoughts that well to put it together. Yet this might be the last entry I ever make…

Over the past couple days I have been riding some of the highest highs not only of the Andromeda adventure, but in all my life. I laughed, lived, found love, made love, cried, died(!), and leapt headlong into the unknown time and time again. Over the past 40-odd days I have lived longer than in the rest of my 22 years.

At some level, I almost expected the nightmarish ending that seems to be unfolding. We got to peak ecstasy, now came the fall. I have been putting on a brave face for the team. I even kind of unintentionally gave them a pretty powerful speech, by giving them an anti-heroic speech. I am encouraging them, telling them all that we have a real shot at this.

Privately, I can’t help but feel like this is the end, because so much of it was just too good to be true.

I suddenly hate Dad all over again for making me the Pathfinder. A freak accident on Habitat 7 and the next thing we all know, I take the place of a seasoned Alliance marine with everything on the line. I accomplished so much, more than I thought possible. Will it all have been for nothing?

…

I had to give myself a moment to compose myself, but I had to let myself break down, first. I needed that. Tears can be pretty liberating. But now that I got all the doubt, angst, and general negativity out of my system…

*measured sigh*

… Alright, done wallowing. Now, enter the stronger, smarter Sara that got up every time this Initiative business knocked me down, and found a way when we were challenged.

Yes, I *am* afraid. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want for all of this to fall apart around me. I want to live, I want to save my people, I want to see the wondrous society we might build and continue telling our story.

And I am at peace with my fear. I let it run through my veins now as I write, not overpowering my thoughts, but giving energy through my undead, trauma-ridden body.

When our shore party hits the ground on Meridian, I’ll hold nothing back in my pursuit of the Archon. And anger, I make room for you as well. She will be a saving-grace when I feel I lack the will to go on.

So fear, give me haste. Anger, give me strength. I may never return to tell the tale of what transpires next, but I do know one thing: The Archon is about to reckon with the full force of all that I am.

This is Pathfinder Sara Ryder, signing off…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left Scott’s fate and the continued loss of her SAM connection out of the account because there’s a (pretty small) chance I’ll write a separate story to tie-in here, which could contradict both of those things.


	35. Day 44: Home at last!!

 

> Tell them, … tell them we’re home.

=D

A part of me wants to leave it at that!! xD … But that would be a disservice to the epic finale on Meridian (yes, the REAL one) and to all who were involved.

Our Remnant fleet got decimated, but they were an effective enough shield against the kett’s massive navy. Our ships were designed for exploration, not space combat, but they were able to punch through enemy lines with the Remant’s cover.

The Remnant alone would not have been sufficient, and the kett had us on our heels when their ships first engaged our side. Then, suddenly, I had this weird deja-vu feeling a lot like the one I had before we hit the ground on Eos (the one where I rambled something about feeling Dad’s presence to Liam, who I figured probably thought I was losing my marbles). But this time, it was unmistakable, and happened much more quickly. I heard Dad’s voice, reciting that same quote from the memory at Mom’s (not-)deathbed:  


 

> Back against the wall, if you can’t run from it, use it.

  
Dad must have coded that into my SAM transfer, or something. And I guess he wanted me to get that message at a time of need or desperation, but again, I’m just taking shots in the dark as to what exactly that was and how it got there (definitely going to try to investigate it further). And maybe the reason it did not have the same effect before Eos was because those memories were not available to me.

Yet that advice got me thinking: the Scourge. We were up against that and the kett, and I had to make a call with the kett launching a vicious offensive. So I ordered Kallo to use the Scourge to our advantage, fly in close and make the kett bastards negotiate with that if they wanted to come after us. Suddenly, the kett were a lot less aggressive — funny how that works. >=)

So it was the combination of our Remnant ships plus using the Scourge strategically in our defense that got us through our confrontation with the Archon’s naval forces.

Meridian turned out to be, as the images found on Khi Tasira’s system indicated, a "Dyson Sphere." With the connection that Scott and I share with SAM, or any operator able to “think like a Remnant,” it can open and grant passage to incoming ships. Once opened, a few of our ships and some of the kett’s bum-rushed through the passage.

It was a footrace from there. The Archon had us beat. I sincerely, genuinely believed it was over when he hooked himself up into the master-controls. Yet if this journey taught us anything, it’s to claw your way to daylight, no matter how badly reality may have beaten you down. Regardless, we were not going down without a fight. So we kept fighting, until something clicked for us. The Archon, in usual fashion, didn’t understand what he was playing with. When we saw our opportunity to break through and rip away control, we capitalized.

Meridian is just like home!! A lot of folks compare it to Earth, but to me, it’s more like the Citadel’s Presidium (which was more home to me than Earth anyway). Aya is still my favorite planet, for reasons no other planet can hope to compete with, but Meridian is a worthy location for our people’s future. The Ark has landed here, rather permanently. Plans are underway to take it apart and reconstruct it into what will be called “Meridian Port.”

Meridian’s controls are online too, now. Reports came in almost immediately after its activation about flora flourishing on Eos, of the climate warming (relatively) on Voeld, of the water being cleansed on Kadara. It’s all so surreal. Oh, and I just realized: Cora’s garden might have grown already!! If so, EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

So much happened over the last 20-odd hours, it’s hard to even get it all organized into words. While we were fighting through kett on Meridian, the squad and I came across lots of interesting logs about the angara, and their inherent abilities to adapt to Remnant technology. It’s such an exciting time for the Initiative right now, but I am also excited for the angara. The Jardaan had a plan for them, and I can’t wait to find out more about how they fit into all this!

Perhaps fittingly, I was asked to weigh-in on who to nominate for the next Heleus ambassador to the Nexus. In the short discussion between Nexus leadership that ensued, several names were floated: Raeka, Bradley, Moshae, even Morda’s name came up! In the end, it was a pretty easy choice for me: I went with the Moshae. The angara are the true natives to this galaxy, and the Moshae has such knowledge and wisdom that we can all learn from. Tann was not jazzed over my endorsement, saying we give up too much of our ‘influence’ something or another. To my surprise, Addison seemed to get it, telling him that that was the point.

Hell, I could argue my choice even further. You know what, though? Screw it! Let Tann et. al. quibble with the politics now. This is too exciting a time to get weighed down by all that shit.

With the still scarce/limited resources at our disposal, the Nexus threw as much of a party as we were able. It was kinda lame, if we’re being honest, but our ability to dance and drink our asses off without any fucks to give makes this victory taste like the sweetest goddamn thing in the world.

I got to catch up with everyone at this impromptu party: squad, crew, friends, allies, etc. Everyone was in high spirits. Hell, even Sloane and I had a friendly (for her) and unintentionally funny exchange. One can’t help but to think back to Day 1 of our arrival here and how desperate the situation appeared. I also think of Dad, and I can’t describe how liberated I feel knowing that we’ve made his vision a reality.

Heh, how the hell did I pull this one off -?!? I’m hearing things about how my name will go down in legends, and I never even fully got used to the fact that I’m humanity’s Pathfinder. Shoot, I’m just glad this whole Initiative project did not end in tragedy and my name forever associated with the catastrophe. I gotta admit, though: the recognition is nice. We all were willing to give everything to this initiative. I died three times. To call it a miracle that I woke up again after each death is a vast, vast understatement. You do not get to hear what they say about you after you die, but I get to know that mine and the whole Tempest crew’s legacy will be one of heroes to the cause, and that… that truly means everything to me.

After we’d all just about had our fill, Team Pathfinder and Team Tempest congregated for a quick, “motivational” debriefing. It was just as improvised as the party, but I’m glad we did it. In just a few words, I told the team that this was not an end, but a new beginning. There is so much left to traverse in this galaxy, and I want the Tempest to remain at the tip of the spear. As far as I can tell, all three other Pathfinders along with each and every one of my team seems to be fully on board with that. And why would they not? We came here to explore, and explore we shall. There will now be two Ryders for the task!

On a somewhat darker note, the specter of a kett empire looms over our world. Primus will have no doubt succeeded Archon by now, and from what we had gathered, he is not nearly as interested in researching Remtech as he is with capturing and exalting us. In a way, the Archon may have been a lesser evil. We saw their fleet — it was massive, and that was just what they had in this cluster. We may have won an important battle, but the war is not over by a long shot. Meridian looks to be a safe haven, but our outposts are highly vulnerable targets. We have to figure out some way to protect them from an invasion.

But I remain optimistic. Our best minds from across the cluster are coming together to study what we’ve discovered on the Remnant. Its secrets may hold the key(s) to our survival in this cluster. Our outposts no longer have to weather dire climate conditions for our people to build their lives there. We came together in the threat of a great evil and won. That unity will help see us through any challenges we face along the way, of this I’m sure.

On a personal level, I have grown, and I’ve watched this whole team grow into certified badasses in front of my eyes. I feel such confidence in the skills I have developed as Pathfinder and in the experience I’ve acquired throughout this journey that I have full faith in my abilities to confront any crisis or seemingly impossible task that comes my way. Then you add in my brilliant and talented team?

Pretty soon, they may have to look for a new galaxy for us to conquer.

I look forward to chronicling the team’s newest adventures, but for now, the tale of our search for home in Heleus has been told. We made it! =)

 

So, one last time (this time it’s for real, hahaha)…

 

Signing off,

  
— _Pathfinder_ Sara Ryder.


End file.
